Please hold.

SFX 1:    Answering machine sound

REPRESENTATIVE:     Thank you for calling the Miscellany Customer Service line. Your call is important to us; please remain on the line. Your call is so important… so very, very important. The full strength of all three of our emotions is focused — fully, unbreakingly, passionately focused — on your call. We would do anything to make sure your call is handled exactly the way you want. We. Would. Do. Anything.

    There is nothing here in the Triangulum Galaxy Customer Service Hub World that is more important to us.

    [with increasingly ominous intensity] Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. 

    Now, on a scale of 1-69, describe the intensity of the problem.

    [pause]

    Nice. You have selected an intensity of 68.997. This level of intensity if reserved for MORTAL COMBAT with an ANGERED BEEWORLDER. You will need assistance.

    [back to chipper] Your estimated wait time is: 15 minutes. 10 minutes.

MFX:    Hold Music.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany contains 150% of your daily required intake of niacin.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany is part of this complete breakfast.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany brings all the boys to the yard.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany is sponsored in part by viewers like you. Thanks.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany is yo mama.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany did its gap year in Peru. The planet, not the country.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany knows what you did last summer. It was just kind of hot.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany is better than yodeling as a stress relief activity. The Never Rad MIscellany in conjunction with yodelling is more effective than either alone.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany probably holds, like, a bunch of world records. But we’re too cool to submit any of them.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany totally has a girlfriend. She just lives in Canada. For her modeling career. That’s why you haven’t met her. Globb. 

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany is a dish best served cold. Approximately 6 degrees celsius.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany: the other other white meat.

REPRESENTATIVE:     Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany is selling a ’92 Honda Civic. 250,000,000 miles, interstellar mod, no AC. Interested parties should call 224-225-5723.

MFX 2:    Hold Music STOPS.

REPRESENTATIVE:    Apparently your call was not important to us after all. Good luck with the ENRAGED BEEWORLDER. Their weakness is REDACTED. Hopefully this story will help. Transferring.

SFX:    Phone hangs up

SFX:    Dial tone