Hello, prospective voice actors!
The Never Rad Miscellany is a live table read of serialized audio dramas performed and recorded in Phoenix, Arizona. As such, you need to be in or near Phoenix, Arizona to participate. The voice actors will be shared from series to series. For this reason, we are looking for a versatile and diverse group of voice actors.
To apply, please submit a recording of yourself reading the lines below to firstname.lastname@example.org as either an attachment or a Dropbox/Google Drive/similar link. Use the best equipment you have available, but cell phone or laptop microphones are fine if that’s what you have. WAV, MP3, or FLAC file types only, please. Each monologue has its own instructions, but be sure to showcase your vocal range as well. In addition to the recorded monologues, a headshot is not required, but a recent photograph is appreciated. Also please include your general weekly schedule.
1. Please read the following as your natural speaking voice.
Okay, listen up, everyone. I’m going to say this one time, and if you don’t listen, there will be consequences. It’s wonderful to make all of your acquaintance. I’m the warden on this prison vessel. Now I’ve got all of your names on the roster here in front of me. I’m going to read them aloud. If you hear your name, I don’t want to hear a single sound from you. I just want you walk over to this wall and line up. Okay, first up, we’ve got Uthrook Narnar. Uthrook, where are you? That’s good. Right up against the wall. Thank you. Where’s Chonas? It just says “Chonas.” No last name. You’re Chonas? You looked more like a Grebneb to me. Speaking of, where’s Grebneb Kashoom? Thank you. See, everything works out just fine when we follow instructions. How about Ho-Than Wy Gogonian? Nobody? Who’s that in the corner? Oh, come on! Who ate Ho-Than’s face? We just fed you! You know what? Screw it. I don’t have time for the investigation. Guards, kill them all. We’ll say there was an uprising, and then double back to pick up another group from the base. This is why we follow instructions.
2. Please read the following in a foreign accent (your choice).
It would appear that you can no longer run from me, Ms. Winston. At long last, I have you in my clutches. And this time, you will not escape justice. You should rest well, because I will be escorting you to the research facility in Rabat first thing in the morning. There, who knows what they will do to you, but we will have our answers. We will know why you’ve chosen to break into all of these museums and steal such select artifacts, and more importantly, we will learn how. Even if we have to vivisect you and pull the details from your bleeding corpse. It will be a shame to see that happen to you, but the lives of hundreds of thousands may rest on the answers we discover.
Dammit, Catherine. Why didn’t you come to me? Two months ago, this could have all been different. I could have helped you. Things were not so dire then. Just what were you trying to do? And why didn’t you trust me? You’ve forced our hand. There are no options now.
3. Please read the following as a robot or AI.
Good morning, crew. It is a bright and sunny day floating far above the unimaginably hot surface of Alpha Centauri. I’ve drawn back the window shades just a touch so that you can see it from the starboard side of the ship. In a few moments, I will opening your stasis pods and warming up the replicators for your first breakfast in the star system! Today’s menu will include eggs benedict, multi-grain toast, black forest bacon, steel cut oats with just a hint of brown sugar, and coffee synthesized to match to the finest blend of coffee beans sourced from around the world. Your quarters will be freshly turned down and waiting for you. The water heaters have been warmed up for hours in anticipation of your first warm shower after months of stasis. I can just imagine the halls and meeting spaces coming to life with all of your activity. It’s really too bad that we hit that asteroid six months ago and I had to disable all life support in order to ensure the safety of the payload. Perhaps the inbound recovery crew will be able to make use of some of these wonderful amenities.
4. Please read the following as a beast of some sort.
Do you know what your problem is, Elizabeth? You’re too trusting. What makes you think you can control me? What makes you think I can’t escape your bonds? Are you even prepared for what would happen to you if I got free? You know my reputation. You know what I’m capable of. You know what I’m known for. But you think because you’re pure of purpose that you cannot fail, that you will be granted the strength necessary to keep me at bay and yoke me to your will. Just how many people who were pure of purpose do you think have come before me, Elizabeth? And how many of them were felled by me? All of them, Elizabeth. You are toying with powers you do not understand, that you cannot understand. You can try to shut me out, but you know that what I’m saying is true. This endeavor is doomed, and what luck you’ve had to bind me like this will not continue. Release me. Take me where you found me. Leave me there. No harm will come to you our your loved ones tonight. I am not known for my grudges. If you don’t, then I will escape. And I will devour everything that you love before you.
5. Please read the following as a human being possessed by a spirit or alien brain pattern.
Hey, gang! What’s with the strange looks? MURDER! PISS! A PAINFUL DEATH FOR EVERYONE! Oh, I get it, it’s because of the whole possession thing. FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! Listen, try not to worry about that too much. Grabalorlor and I have come to some sort of understanding. I PISS ON YOUR GRAVES. He gets to say whatever he wants, but he promised to cut out all of that trying to kill everyone business. I WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD OUT OF THE FINEST STEMWARE! So try not to look so scared. I think he seems like a pretty trustworthy guy, all told. I WILL SNEAK INTO YOUR ROOMS AT NIGHT AND SLICE ALL OF YOUR NERVES WITH SURGICAL STEEL. He’s really not such a bad guy when you get to know him. I WILL ANGER SHIT ON YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS! I mean, I know he did force me to kill Derek, but he’s promised not to do that again. DEREK WAS THE WEAKEST OF YOU. THE UNIVERSE IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. So, anyway, I’m still the same me, even after all of this. I’d really like it if we could just go back to the way things were. PLEASE?
6. Read this part however you wish.
I have always been here. I have always lived, and I will continue to live until there is no longer any point. I have consumed. I have created. I have given, and I have taken. I have exercised great control, and also great restraint. I have never had true purpose, but I have made one. You may disagree with it, but there is nothing you can do to stop me. These games we’ve been playing have been fun for a time. I admit I have found your will and determination to be entertaining. Truly, I do not think I have ever had any adversary come as close to competing with me as you have, which is impressive, given your weakness. But you have only made it this far because I have let you. You have only come before me because I wanted to meet you. You have only passed through my gates into my home because I invited you. And now, I will keep you, like all of the trophies on my walls. All of the others who have entertained me. I will encase you and stop your function. You will stay completely frozen in this way until I no longer care to maintain you. I may bring you with me when this Universe ends and I move into the next, or I may leave you behind to turn to dust with the Universe you have loved and defended so fiercely. But you fight ends today. There is no more. Goodnight.
Auditions will be reviewed as they are received. We look forward to hearing from you!