A bonus episode showing Detective LaFemme in her element.

SPACE DETECTIVE SAOIRSE LAFEMME played by Briauna Kittle, SGT. HIGGS played by Jenae Hirsch, SGT. BOZON played by Ricco Machado Torres, FARLAX played by Jamie Haas, and JINTLEPRONG played by Conrad Miszuk. Written by Matt Braman.

Music, sound, and editing by Matt Braman.

Scene One Cold Open – Ext. Alleyway – Night

SFX: SPD STINGER

FARLAX: Uh, are you sure we should be here? This alley looks kind of sketch.

JINTLEPRONG: What, you want to wait in line 6 hours for a fucking Cronut? Like a jamoke?

FARLAX: I guess not.

JINTLEPRONG: Of course not. Don’t worry. My guy will be here any-

BOTH: (SCREAM)

FARLAX: There’s so much blood!

SFX: SPD THEME SONG (THROUGH)

PRINTERSON: Crime is like a gas. It expands to fill the space it’s in and Space is infinite. A few brave souls have taken up the badge to track down that gas, to hold it in, and to stop it from offending. That is their duty. This is their story.

Scene Two: Ext. Crime Scene – Day

HIGGS: Victim was found at three A.M. by these two Nautiloids. Looks like he was smeared across the pavement like a dollop of paint on a dirty pallet. Like a bit of Alizarin Crimson mixed with just a touch of Pthalo blue. And a nice little swipe of Van Dyke Brown.

LAFEMME: You gotta stop watching that show, Higgs.

HIGGS: That show is my happy place, Detective Lafemme.

LAFEMME: My happy place is catching bad guys. Hurry up and get those teeth and organ bits to the lab. Chief Printerson has been all over my ass since the Gloopulon Bust.

HIGGS: Yes, Sir.

LAFEMME: Nautil Farlax. You said you and Nautil Jintleprong found the body at three?

FARLAX: Yes.

LAFEMME: What were you two doing in a dark alley at three in the morning?

FARLAX: We were trying to get some Cronuts. Jintleprong said he had a guy that could hook us up with as many as we wanted.

LAFEMME: What’s a Cronut?

JINTLEPRONG: It’s like a croissant mixed with a doughnut. They’re delicious. You have to wait in line for like six hours and you can only buy one.

LAFEMME: Who’s the guy? The one with the hook up?

JINTLEPRONG: Binty. I met him in college. I hadn’t seen him in a while, but we started hanging out again recently. Then he beams me about this Cronut deal. He says it has to be tonight. Didn’t have to tell me twice. Cronuts are the shit.

LAFEMME: Is that his body- I mean- are those his remains around the alley?

JINTLEPRONG: I hope not. Binty was a good dude.

HIGGS: Lafemme, just got the results back from the lab. I.D.ed as one Craig Binta Lumilliax. Nautiloid courier. from Braxtium.

JINTLEPRONG: Damn, dawg. I don’t get it. Everybody loved Craig.

LAFEMME: Loved him or hated him, somebody sure took the jelly out of his Cronut.

FARLAX: Cronuts don’t have jelly.

SFX: SPD STINGER

Scene Three: Int. SPD Briefing Room – Day

PRINTERSON: Listen up, detectives. I have a few announcements before the meeting. First, no more coffee machine.

ALL: (AD LIB PROTEST)

PRINTERSON: Put a lid on it. I’m sick of you animals trying make noodles and catching the damn thing on fire. I mean really. Second, We have two new detectives. Please welcome Sergeant Bozon and Sergeant Chromes.

ALL: WEAK CLAPPING AND BORED HELLOS.

SFX: CHROMES AFFIRMATIVE

BOZON: Thank you, Chief Printerson. Everyone.

LAFEMME: God Dammit.

HIGGS: What’s up, Saoirse?

LAFEMME: I went to the academy with that numnuts Bozon. He used to steal my test answers. And my food. And my socks. Ugh.

BOZON: Hey, LaFemme. Long time no see. You been keeping those feet warm?

LAFEMME: Bozon, I swear to Globb…

PRINTERSON: Everybody shut up. I don’t have time for this crap. The victim was working for Big Jimmy Goomblatz. This might be our chance to finally bring down the Goomblatz crime syndicate. Get me some hard evidence and get it fast.

LAFEMME: We should scan the area security holo-cam footage. If Binty was on the Goomblatz payroll, chances are he had a tail. Maybe we can spot them.

BOZON: Oh my Globb. That is so dumb. We should be kicking in doors and taking confessions, not watching old movies. Dummy.

PRINTERSON: All you dummies shut up. LaFemme and Higgs, scan the video. Bozon and Chromes, canvas the building. Try not to get the department sued.

SFX: CHROMES AFFIRMATIVE

BOZON: You’re putting me with that piece of junk? It can’t even talk.

SFX: CHROMES NEGATORY

PRINTERSON: Orders from the top. There’s one in every department. You don’t like the interface? Take it up with the Panza Corporation. Now get out there and get me some damn evidence. Now. Go.

SFX: SPD STINGER

Scene Four: Int. SPD Crime Lab – Day

HIGGS: Hey, Saoirse. I brought you some coffee. Had to go down to the Space Vehicle Division on floor 236. Boy, Chief Printerson sure has a stick up their disk drive lately.

LAFEMME: The Chief’s under a lot of pressure. The new chancellor is running on crime safety. If we don’t make a big bust, some people might lose their jobs. Maybe us. Thanks for the Coffee.

HIGGS: Find anything yet?

LAFEMME: Not yet. I’m going to rewind a few more cycles and see if there was somebody there before the incident.

SFX: VIDEO SCRUBBING

LAFEMME: Look at that. Somebody hiding packages around the building. Zoom in 224 to 176. Upscale. Track 45 right. Stop. Upscale 57 to 19. Stop. Engage Back Scatter. It’s a Nautiloid. It’s Binta Lumilliax.

HIGGS: Are those?

LAFEMME: Ion bombs. Looks like Binty got hoisted by his own petard. Get Bomb Squad on the beam. We need to evacuate that building now. Bozon and Chromes are canvassing in there.

SFX: COMM KEYED

HIGGS: Bozon, Chromes. Victim planted bombs around the building. Get everyone out of there, now.

SFX: (FILTER) CHROMES AFFIRMATIVE

BOZON: (FILTER) Don’t tell me what to do. I’ll clear the bombs myself. Chromes, go clear the bombs.

SFX: (FILTER) CHROMES NEGATORY

HIGGS: Bozon get out of there. Bozon. (NO RESPONSE) Idiot.

LAFEMME: Higgs, look at this. Across the street in the trench coat. They dial a holophone right before the bomb goes off. It looks like another Nautiloid. Bring ’em in.

SFX: SPD STINGER

Scene 5: Int. SPD Interrogation Room – Day

LAFEMME: Welcome back, Nautils. It seems one of you was less than honest. Do you want to explain what happened in the alley?

FARLAX: What do you mean? We told you everything we know.

LAFEMME: You say that, but when we took a look at your holophone records, we found something interesting.

FARLAX: My Datester profile? Yes, I was younger in those pictures. It’s misleading, sure, but I mean, I have almost no tentacles left on the back of my head. How am I supposed to get a first date?

LAFEMME: You’re about to get a court date. We can place you at the scene of the crime and show that you detonated the bomb that killed Binta-Lumilliax. You had to leave to meet up with Jintleprong. You knew where he would be because it was you that sent him there. Just like you used Binty’s courier job to make him plant the explosives. You thought you could take them both out, tie up all the loose ends and cover the fact that it was Jimmy Goomblatz who sent you.

FARLAX: You don’t understand. Jintleprong was supposed to be my friend. Suddenly this jerk from college shows up and I get pushed aside. So Jimmy wants to control all the Cronuts on the south side? He needs a bakery removed? Fine. I just solved his problems and mine. If that’s a crime, get me a lawyer.

LAFEMME: That is a crime. Several Crimes. And I doubt a lawyer can help you much after that juicy confession. You really just threw it all out there. I was totally bluffing. That was amazing.

JINTLEPRONG: Damn, dawg.

SFX: SPD STINGER

Scene 6: Int. SPD Briefing Room – Day

PRINTERSON: Well, Children, you solved this one. I don’t know if it’s enough to put Goomblatz away, but it’s a good start. Now go take a break. Sergeant Ketza-Coattle brought in some jelly donuts.

SFX: CHROMES AFFIRMATIVE

HIGGS (OVER): Hey, alright.

BOZON (OVER): Custard’s better.

LAFEMME (OVER): I’m sticking to bagels for awhile.

HIGGS: (BEAT) With shmear?

SFX: SPD THEME

THE END