Secrets of the Midnight – Banshecil
Banshecil If you’ve been suffering from supernatural problems, there’s hope.
Banshecil was written by Conrad Miszuk and featured the voices of Conrad Miszuk as Ghost, Kitt Keller as Woman, and Briauna Kittle as Woman, with Ryan Jenkins reading the stage directions.
GHOST: Six months ago, this was me.
SFX 1: Screaming, wailing, rushing wind, breaking plates, cracking wood, intense reverb.
WOMAN: Just tell us what will put your soul at rest and we’ll do it!
MAN: Our insurance doesn’t cover hauntings!
GHOST: Hi. I’m Buckwallace Minwinster Pop Pop Bangleton the Third and I used to have some pretty serious mood swings. I died horribly in this house two hundred years ago when my husband stabbed me nine hundred times. He went to jail for thirty years for roomate-icide, but I died. You could say I had some unfinished business, so I became a bit of a ghost.
WOMAN: Babe, I think he’s still here.
MAN: Did it suddenly get cold in here?
GHOST: My husband’s family eventually sold the house after he died somewhere else where I couldn’t see it happen, and now I have new people living in my house. And thank goodness they talked to their exorcist about Banshecil.
MAN: Babe, the TV is going all staticky again.
GHOST: And now they barely know I’m here. Thanks to Banshecil.
WOMAN: I’ve got goose pimples again.
GHOST: When I first manifested after my death, I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder.
SFX 2: Screaming, wailing, plates breaking, wood cracking, rushing wind, howling of wolves.
GHOST: I had no idea what was happening to me, but it was clear I was having some trouble processing events.
SFX 3: Screaming, wailing.
MAN: I knew this place was too good to be true!
WOMAN: Are we gonna die?
MAN: I’m calling that exorciser.
GHOST: But now, I’m feeling better, and unliving my unlife to my fullest potential.
If you’re a ghost like me, diagnosed as a level four or greater banshee, a level three or greater wraith, or a level six poltergeist, have your host family talk to their exorcist about Banshecil. It takes those terrible mood swings from your undying rage and tunes them down to a manageable level.
WOMAN: The leftovers exploded in the microwave.
MAN: I guess we can just order in.
WOMAN: What is happening?
MAN: We should just be thankful it’s not like it was.
GHOST: I used to be consumed by anger. I used to literally burn with rage. I used to make life a living hell for those around me. Now I feel something like peace. Now, I merely gaslight my hosts about my mere existence. It’s much better.
WOMAN: I’m losing my fucking mind.
MAN: We did what the guy said to do!
GHOST: Banshecil is available as a bundle of medicinal herbs that can be burned monthly in the affected areas. Unlike ExWraith, it doesn’t smell entirely like burned ass.
MAN: I don’t know how much more I can take of this.
GHOST: Thanks to Banshecil, I feel calm, and I even experience something like bliss from time to time.
WOMAN: Can you please just move on?
GHOST: BRING ME THE BONES OF MY BELOVED.
MAN: We looked into this! He died at sea! There’s no way to recover the body.
GHOST: THEN NOT A CHANCE, SWEETHEART.
SFX 4: A single plate falls and smashes.
MAN: I think it’s wearing off.
WOMAN: I’ll get more Banshecil.
GHOST: YES, YOU WILL.
WOMAN: I’m going!
GHOST: Banshecil. Just because you’re a ghast, doesn’t mean you have to be ghastly.