Phantaseta, Probes R Us 2, Fornicrate 2, Edible Jewelry
SFX 1: A lovely chime.
NARRATOR: Are you alone again this Valentine’s season?
NARRATOR: Are the pressures of your civilization making it hard for you to find true love?
NARRATOR: Then consider planning a trip to Phantáseta, the beautiful home planet of the Phantasetans in the Mooper Sector.
NARRATOR: Some people call Phantaseta the Sex Planet, which IS NOT, contrary to the opinion of the Internet, the official planet motto.
WHISPER: SO SEXY.
NARRATOR: The people of Phantaseta know nothing of the cultural rules and norms that guide the rest of the Universe.
PHANTASETAN: (Swedish) Oh what do you mean you don’t have humpy often? Humpy is great! Have humpy all the time. We should do humpy right now! Come with me to my bungalow.
NARRATOR: The Phantasetans have other qualities than just sex appeal. The people of Phantaseta are nothing if not welcoming.
PHANTASETAN: Welcoming for strumpy humpy!
NARRATOR: Visit the great observatory of Phantaseta city.
PHANTASETAN: The telescope looks into my window where I change my clothes, ja!
NARRATOR: Visit the great academy in South Phantaseta. Behold the stately domes on the academy lawn.
PHANTASETAN: The pleasure domes! Inside we work tirelessly to make humpy better. Here we invented the 68.
NARRATOR: Take a lovely stroll along the beautiful beaches that cover nearly the entire planet.
PHANTASETAN: Our landmasses are long and skinny, ja. Almost all beach. But our sand is super comfy no matter where it gets. Come sunbathe with me!
NARRATOR: Explore the national archives and learn the rich history of Phantaseta.
PHANTASETAN: We mostly just lie here looking so humpy and wait for ships from the galaxy to bring us new technology and do humpy with us. We have many detailed frescoes and tapestries! They are very humpy.
NARRATOR: Experience the majesty of the Phantaseta gardens.
PHANTASETAN: These are our local flowers. Their pollen is known to make beings of all kinds feel very humpy. We also do humpy here. Like there and there, and maybe over there, and sometimes there but only on high holidays, and, oh goodness, there’s some of us doing humpy right now. Let’s join shall we.
NARRATOR: Take in a show at the Phantasetan Opera House.
PHANTASETAN: We do humpy there. On the stage. People seem to like it. There’s songs!
NARRATOR: Observe the Phantasetan congress as it debates laws.
PHANTASETAN: Which is why it is in my opinion that we should not do humpy always, but only when it is cool, which is always.
NARRATOR: The Phantasetans are ready to make your dreams come true, and ease your loneliness.
PHANTASETAN: I like to do whatever you like to do!
NARRATOR: It is rumored that the Phantasetans do own up to 70% of the galaxy through their tourism industries’ profits.
PHANTASETAN: Bad credit, no credit, no clothes, no problems! Owning things is neat, ja!
NARRATOR: Come to Phantaseta. It’s… all right, fine, it’s the sex planet, are you happy?
PROBES R US 2
SFX 1: CRASH
JIMTASTULON: Not getting the quality performance you deserve out of your vehicle? Why take it in to an expensive repair shop when you can visit one of Probes R Us’s many convenient locations and pick up exactly the equipment you need?
I’m Jimtastulon Phalaxes, owner and proprietor of Probes R Us. My grandfather Burp started Probes R Us in 2945 out of his parents’ 50,000 square foot, fully-outfitted garage. As the 3rd generation to run Probes R Us, I’m proud to say that our company has grown from a tiny little mail-order porno operation to the largest rocket supply and grocery delivery company in this part of the galaxy. And we have you to thank! In addition to the “beneficial” business regulations our lobbyists have kept in place over the past 90 years. Probes R Us has always been a family operation. My grandfather started this company, my father took it over from him in a Machiavellian coup, and I inherited it from him after he disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Now, my grandson Bezo’s ready to take over the reins, ain’t that so?
BEZO: [chipper] That’s right, old man. You better watch your back.
JIMTASTULON: Try it; I dare ya, ya little punk. Come on down to Probes ‘R Us today. We got good deals at a hefty markup that goes straight into the family cocaine budget, and that ain’t no lie.
SCENE 5C: Fornicrate 2
TED: Hey, listeners. Ted here. Look, I know you’re enjoying hour 5 of the podcast, but I wanted to take a minute to talk with you about something serious: marriage. You know my lady Mimi and I have been doing our thang for a couple years now, and we wanted you all to be the first to know:
BOTH: We’re getting married!
TED: Yeah, that’s right! I’m tying the knot with this chick right here—
MIMI: Heck yeah, babe!
TED: —And a big part of what’s helped us get here has been our monthly box from ForniCrate. You’ve heard me talk about ForniCrate before, and let me tell you: this is a fantastic product, you guys. Listen: not all of us are super well versed in the sack if you know what I mean
MIMI: Yeah, they know, babe.
TED: and sometimes we need someone to step in and say, Hey! There are more ways to do it than just the three you’ve been rotating through. That someone can be your bro Greg, the same guy who told you dipping your little buddy in a can of cola counted as birth control, or it can be ForniCrate.
ForniCrate is the tits, folks. Mimi and I get monthly personalized crates with everything we need to get out of a rut. Each crate comes complete with a new position, like “Standing Up” and “Car” and “In the Cave of the Flying Demon, Travelers Pursue the Exquisite Quest” plus helpful pop-up diagrams that show you exactly how to put things together, detailed instructions, and all the tools you need to complete the job.
There are four tiers to choose from: tall, grande, venti, or magnum. Use the convenient personalization settings to tell ForniCrate what kind of things you’re interested in, so that you never get a box with ingredients you can’t use. ForniCrate’s sexologists have spent years developing techniques that work for every body, every time, right, babe?
TED: Exactly. So sign up. Use code COME-ON-EILEEN for 6.9% off your first crate. ForniCrate, proud sponsor of Hot Wings, the Midwest’s #3 birdwatching fancast.
MIMI: So, babe, can we ta—[end of ad cuts her off]
TED: [1000% stoked] Not right now babe, look there’s a greater prairie chicken over there in that grove!
SCENE 5D: Edible Jewelry
SHOM TANE: TANE CO JEWELRY FOUNDER AND SPOKESPERSON: Matt, (Conrad reserve)
SHOM: Love is in the air and it smells like corn syrup. I’m Shom Tane and I’m here to help you find the perfect gift for that special someone or group of someones in your life. Traditional gifts like flowers, chocolate, or teddy bears might seem nice, but they are actually terrible clichés and everyone hates them. If you don’t want to get dumped on the lovingest day of the year, avoid that crap like the plague. On the other end of the spectrum is the real fancy stuff. Diamonds. Rubies. Sapphires. The kind of stuff they say they don’t care about until they get it and then they love you in a way you didn’t know you were missing. You can’t afford that stuff. Lucky for you, there’s Tane Co. We split the difference between the shitty candy hearts and the ostentatious gemstones. Tane company carries beautiful, hand-selected candy necklaces and ring pops in every price range. You’re sure to find something your Valentine will love and cherish for one or two minutes. Unlike our competitors, our candy necklaces use only the finest elastic string, hand-tied by wearable confection artisans in our own local sweatshop. Our ring pops are mounted on a durable one-size-fits-all plastic setting so they never fall into the dirt. If you care about someone and want to show it, come on down to Tane Co and let our non-commissioned sales bots help you find the perfect gift. And if you end up alone and sad, you can always eat it by yourself for the momentary relief provided by carbohydrates activating your dopamine pathways. Whether you are with one or more loved ones, or sad and alone, you have a friend in the edible jewelry business. The Tane Company located on Spacedale Rd and Acoma, just one mile south of Bell Rd, open weekdays til 8, Saturdays and Sundays til 5.