NRM Nothing & Earth God V Space God
Finally, you can get what you really want from a subscription box and coming up on space pay-per-view, it’s the battle of the millennium.
SCENE 1A: NRM HEADQUARTERS
SFX 1: A science fiction noise.
NRM: Is this you?
PERSON 1: Not another subscription box. When did I order this? I’ve really gotta cut back on the Kalaxia. Where am I even going to put this? What is it? Food? Or is it nerdy tchotchkes? My single coffin apartment is already full to the brim with food and doodads, what am I going to do?
NRM: Or how about this?
PERSON 2: I’m so tired of all of this attention! I give people money, and then they just always want to be around me and touch me, and give me attention I don’t want!
NRM: Or maybe this?
PERSON 3: My ears are so bored! I need to put something in them! I can’t put money in my ears, but I keep trying! A magician once found a quarter in there! AHHHH!
NRM: That’s where The Never Rad Miscellany comes in. Introducing Never Rad Nothing Deluxe. We’re like a subscription box, with all the benefits of getting to pay for something on a monthly basis, but instead of getting a box filled with things you’ll either have to consume, store, or dispose of, we give you the gift of nothing.
PERSON 1: There’s… nothing by my coffin door. There’s no stuff. I can’t believe it! I’m free!
NRM: And the Never Rad Miscellany will leave you alone no matter how much money you give us, so you won’t have to deal with any pesky, unwanted attention from us.
PERSON 2: It’s like I’m completely alone for a change.
NRM: And we’ll give you something to listen to, if you want.
PERSON 3: Listen! That’s the word I was looking for! I needed to listen to something, not put something in my bored ears!
NRM: The Never Rad Miscellany is a podcast, but it’s so much more than that. It’s also a thing you can spend money on.
PERSON 1: I do like to spend money. Especially when I’ve taken my Kalaxia.
NRM: For as little as two dollars a month, you can pay us to not send you anything.
PERSON 1: It’s a breath of fresh air.
NRM: For ten dollars and sixty-nine nice cents, you can talk to us, or not. There’s absolutely no pressure.
PERSON 2: I kinda want to talk to someone again, actually. Being alone is scary. I hate my own thoughts.
NRM: And for any amount of money, we’ll give you audio you can listen to whenever, and however you want. If you want.
PERSON 3: I kind of like to sit on the speaker.
NRM: That’s weird.
PERSON 3: It gives my jimmies a rustle.
NRM: We don’t need to know that.
PERSON 3: I like the feller with the deep voice. It’s like butter. Makes me wanna get all strumpy humpy.
NRM: You can keep that information to yourself.
PERSON 3: I give you sixty-eight space cents a month!
NRM: For these simple, easy payments, on an even simpler, easier sliding scale, The Never Rad Miscellany promises to give you nothing, if that’s what you want. And, deep down, isn’t it? There’s also the podcast or whatever. To order your Never Rad Nothing Deluxe, please head to n-e-v-e-r-r-a-d dot com slash p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
The Never Rad Miscellany. The nothing you deserve.
SCENE 1B: EARTH GOD vs. SPACE GOD
MFX 1: Metal music
SFX 1: Fire
ANNOUNCER: This space Sunsday, prepare yourselves for the eschatological EVENT OF THE CENTURY!
SFX 2: Explosions
ANNOUNCER: Meeting incarnation-to-incarnation in the ring for the first time THIS MILLENNIUM.
EARTH GOD VS SPACE GOD
MFX 2: Sick ass guitar
ANNOUNCER: The confrontation YOU’VE been waiting for.
SFX 3: More fire
ANNOUNCER: It’s time to SETTLE THIS.
SFX 4: Thunder
SFX 5: Monkeys
ANNOUNCER: On this Space Sunsday, the universe’s two most powerful deities meet to decide once and for all WHO WILL OWN YOUR SOULS.
With special guest referee Friedrich Nietzschbot.
Tune in SPACE SUNSDAY SUNSDAY SUNSDAY for all the action you can handle.
SFX 6: More ‘plosions
ANNOUNCER: You can’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Coming to you LIVE from Galactic Central Station Arena on pay-per-view this Space Sunsday.
MFX 3: Yet more sick-ass guitar.
ANNOUNCER: BE THERE. SALES AND THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS ARE FINAL! RAIN OR SHINE OR METAPHYSICAL NONEXISTENCE.