Iron Tyrant Part 3
MFX: Return Cue
LEPTON: Welcome back to Iron Tyrant. When we left off, Professor Quantus Verblanskowicz had put thousands of Fleevians to work mining ore for a giant smashing machine. The trouble is that the planet Fleeve is relatively poor in ores and minerals.
QUANTUS: SMASH! SMASH! HATE!
LEPTON: Quantus will likely have to import the iron using the budget allowed to him, but this could get pricey in a hurry.
LEPTON: Quantus has been sulking for hours just smashing rocks under the weight of his hundred pound man hands that only know dirt and suffering.
SFX: A Crushing sound.
LEPTON: How you doing, Quantas?
QUANTAS: (hiding childlike frustration) Smash.
LEPTON: Excellent. Now, I wanted to talk about the secret component.
LEPTON: The guacamole. Have you thought about how you’re going to incorporate it into your doomsday plan?
LEPTON: No, it’s already been smashed. It’s guacamole.
LEPTON: No. You can’t just eat it. You have to include it in your design, and it has to help it actually bring about the doomsday.
QUANTUS: Smash. Smash smash.
LEPTON: That’s the spirit. So what are you thinking?
QUANTUS: Smash. Smash smash smash. Crush. Squelch. Squish.
LEPTON: Interesting. Do you think the guacamole will be sufficient lubrication for the smashing piston?
QUANTUS: Smash. Smash smash smash.
LEPTON: Right, mixing it with a synthetic oil might do the trick. What viscosity are you aiming for?
LEPTON: That’s a bit on the high side, don’t you think?
QUANTUS: Smash, smash smash smash.
LEPTON: Well, it’s a bold strategy.
QUANTUS: Smash smash.
LEPTON: How is the mining going?
LEPTON: That bad. Well, we all knew Fleeve didn’t have much going for it. It’s part of why they were so ready for the world to end.
LEPTON: Let me get this straight. You’re going to try to extract the iron from the soil compounds?
LEPTON: Keep in mind you’ve only got four days left. You have to train the Fleevians to harvest the iron like that.
QUANTUS: Smash. Must Smash.
LEPTON: They’re getting so hungry. Are you sure you don’t want to spend some of that budget feeding your people?
LEPTON: I know that they’re going to die in the doomsday event anyway, but they won’t be much use to you lifting rocks and breaking boulders.
LEPTON: You can’t give them any guacamole.
LEPTON: Well, we’ll see how it plays out.
MFX: Transition cue.
SFX: Far away construction noises, cont. through scene.
LEPTON: Okay, checking in now with doomtestant Malmo. Doctor?
MALMO: Yes, Chef?
MALMO: Sorry, I don’t know where my head’s at. How can I help you, Lepton?
LEPTON: Just checking in to see how you’re progressing.
MALMO: You know, I’m feeling really great about this one. I’ve got the drills organized, my engineering interns have really done a fantastic job.
LEPTON: How are you dealing with the mystery component?
MALMO: The guacamole? You know, I thought about doing a sort of listeria/mass viral infection thing—like a poisoned cherry on top, except with guacamole instead of the cherry—but then I thought: no, that’s too on-the-nose. I mean, it’s been done. Do you know what I’m saying? This isn’t the Chipotle wars of 2273.
LEPTON: What did you decide to do?
MALMO: Well, I’ve got it chilling in the ice cream maker, and I’ve got a really great feeling about that. At first I was nervous, but I’ve come around. I’m really starting to understand why guac is extra, you know?
MALMO: Anyway, I’m starting to feel really confident. Even moreso than usual.
LEPTON: Last but not least, doomtestant Gandra. How are you doing with the guacamole element of the challenge?
GANDRA: Lepton, I love it. So bold! You know, I’ve been experimenting lately with a little ‘molecular eschatology’, so this is right in my rockethouse.
GANDRA: Absolutely! I might have ended up using guacamole even if you hadn’t assigned it!
GANDRA: Of course, darling, it’s so wonderfully unexpected. It’s new. It’s fresh.
LEPTON: It’s actually not fresh; we had to have it shipped in from Earth; the Fleevian biome doesn’t support avocado-type lifeforms.
GANDRA: No, I meant metaphorically.
LEPTON: Ah. Anyway, Gandra…
GANDRA: You can go now.
LEPTON: I’ll leave when I’m ready.
SFX: Music Sting.
LEPTON: As you all know, in addition to the secret component challenge, one of the trademarks of Iron Tyrant is the inter-contestant sabotage element.
MFX: Dramatic music cue
LEPTON: Each doomtestant has the opportunity to sabotage one of their opponents’ plans—and anything goes. Except, as we now legally have to clarify due to “The Incident”, murder.
So, let’s check in with our doomtestants to see just how they’re handling their sabotages. First up is Malmo Zarathustra.
MALMO: Doctor Malm—.
LEPTON: Sure. Malmo, just how are you handling your sabotage portion of the competition? Who have you chosen to undermine?
MALMO: Well, I like Gandra; I’ve worked with her before, you know, we’re friends. I mean, I didn’t come here to make friends, but I don’t need any more friends, you get it?
LEPTON: No. I’m not sure that meant anything. So you’re going to be taking down—
LEPTON: What are you planning?
MALMO: I mean, I just hate that guy.
LEPTON: So, what are you going to—
MALMO: He’s just such a [beep] dick, you know?
LEPTON: Right, but what I’m asking here is—
MALMO: Pretentious, that’s what he is. And Space God, he just goes on and on and on wasting everybody’s time with all kinds of—
LEPTON: DR. ZARATHUSTRA
MALMO: I’m sorry; yes?
LEPTON: What are you planning to do for your sabotage?
MALMO: Ah, it’s delightful; let me tell you all about it.
LEPTON: That’s the idea.
MALMO: You see, I have here—um, you there, intern, whatever your name is? Pratley?
MALMO: Right, come over here with those books.
SFX: A metallic clang. Something very big and heavy has just been put down.
MALMO: You see these?
LEPTON: Yes, what are they?
MALMO: Well, you know how Quantas’ entire doomsdebacle is centered around smashing through the planet?
LEPTON: That’s more or less it.
MALMO: Well, I’ve developed a substance that’s 73,000 times harder than diamond. It’s called “Malmonite”.
LEPTON: Very sparkly.
MALMO: Well, I added some glitter as well. Just to really up the evil quotient.
LEPTON: Devious; I love it.
MALMO: Anyway, Malmonite is completely unsmashable. Impervious to hammers, drills, explosives, you name it. It absolutely cannot be smashed, bashed, crushed, cracked, chipped, or coolsculpted.
LEPTON: That’s incredible.
MALMO: Yes. As you can see, my interns have fun-gineered a vast amount of malmonite (and glitter) which we will be placing directly in front of Quantas’ pathetic hammer machines!
LEPTON: Impressive. What’s this under the glitter here?
MALMO: Ah, yes; the most scintillating piece of the puzzle. Each of the malmonite monoliths is inscribed with a full dictionary.
LEPTON: A dictionary?
MALMO: Have you ever been to a dinner party where Quantas is in attendance? The conversation does not entice.
LEPTON: I see, I see. But surely the glitter is the most scintillating element, though, Doctor?
MALMO: I-I don’t get your meaning.
LEPTON: Scintillating? Because it means…
MALMO: I don’t know what you’re—
LEPTON: It’s just, because glitter is—
MALMO: No, I’m not sure what you’re getting—
LEPTON: Never mind; let’s move on.
SFX: TRANSITION SOUND.
LEPTON: Professor Verblanskowicz?
LEPTON: Quantus, we need to talk about your sabotage.
QUANTUS: Smash. Honk. Smash.
LEPTON: You’ve selected Gandra, then? How are you planning on sabotaging Gandra?
LEPTON: You can’t smash Gandra. That’s against the rules. Remember? No murder.
QUANTUS: RING A LING!
LEPTON: I see. You want to attach a bell to Gandra’s neck so people will know when they are nearby.
LEPTON: That knot is difficult to get out, it’s true. And I know my difficult-to-get-out-of-knots.
LEPTON: Finally, let’s see how Gandra’s getting along. Gandra?
SFX: A bell ringing.
LEPTON: How are you getting along?
SFX: A bell ringing.
GANDRA: Time is only conceptual; art is what’s real, darling.
LEPTON: Right. I see you’ve gotten your shipment of 400 acres of orange neutron silk delivered?
SFX: The bell rings again
GANDRA: I am still waiting on the fermented sharks.
LEPTON: Check with craft services. Now, Gandra, have you figured out how you’re going to sabotage doomtestant Malmo?
LEPTON: Care to elaborate?
LEPTON: [barely starts talking before being cut off] Just for the viewers’ sake—
GANDRA: Goodbye. I need to align all my energy with my work and you’re clouding the space. HONK!
LEPTON: So, our early focus group testing shows that people are well and truly tired of hearing the word “smash”, so we’ve decided to dub Professor Quantus Verblanskowicz for the remainder of the show.
QUANTUS (DUB): [Something like Anthony Stewart Head, a bit disinterested] Hello. This is Professor Quantus Verblanskowicz. I love to smash. Things are moving along well with my project at present. I am very excited to see that we are getting some iron deposits out of the soil. We have begun forging not just one, but many smashing pistons that are all intended to synchronize with the resonant frequency of Fleeve to destroy the planet in short order. After disrupting the structural integrity of the planet’s core, life on the surface should be quickly wiped out as everything destabilizes. There is the possibility that the fragments of the planet will be reforged into a single planet again by the gravity of the individual pieces, but it will be a long time before this planet develops life of its own accord ever again. It is perfection. I love everything about it.
LEPTON: I wasn’t too sure about this idea, but it’s really coming along here.
QUANTUS (DUB): I think the Fleevians will be quite pleased with what I’ve done here. The end should be fast and dramatic, and I think in their last moments alive, they will be very impressed. That is, if they choose my solution, which they will. I have full confidence.
SFX: A terrible crushing noise.
LEPTON: What was that?
QUANTUS (DUB): It appears, my good fellow, that someone has done sabotage to my beautiful smashing machines.
LEPTON: Are those…?
QUANTUS (DUB): They do appear to be cubes of Dololomite, the hardest mineral known to man.
LEPTON: It’s actually a substance called malmonite, Professor. It can crush even diamonds into a fine, insufflatable powder!
QUANTAS (DUB): I’m not calling it that.
LEPTON: So how has this affected your plans?
QUANTUS (DUB): This is a terrible turn of events for me and my project it would seem. With those objects under the smashers, the smashers themselves could be destroyed in no time.
LEPTON: What are you going to do?
QUANTUS: SMASH! SMASH!
QUANTUS (DUB): I’m going to let out some steam on this pile of boulders over here until my head cools. Then I will likely instruct my underlings to construct some brooms to sweep up the dololomite pieces. If they are out of the way of the smashers, then everything should be back on shed-ule. I will not be turning off the machines for this process, so the Fleevians will need to work quickly if they would like to live long enough to die in the apocalypse.
LEPTON: This is a significant time loss, is it not?
QUANTUS (DUB): Yes, it will take some time to make sure all of the dololomite pieces are completely cleaned up so that they will not gum up the works any longer. It will be, as they say, a photo finish.
LEPTON: We’ll check back with Quantus. Now let’s see what Gandra’s up to.
SFX: Dramatic sting.
LEPTON: I’m sorry?
GANDRA: Remind me, Lepton; what species are you? If I am going to threaten to remove your genitals and feed them to you, I want to make certain I know where they’re located.
LEPTON: Ooh, Gandra, I’m not sure you should be speaking to me that way. Not without some ground rules.
LEPTON: Well, can you at least tell us how you’re dealing with Quantas’ sabotage?
GANDRA: What are you talking about?
SFX: Bell ringing
LEPTON: The bell? The bell Quantas put on your neck so that people could hear you coming and formulate an escape plan?
GANDRA: This is mine. It called to me this morning. The universe is a constant maelstrom of absurdity, darling; the bell is simply a symbolic representation of that underlying chaos. It’s art, darling; it’s creation and destruction; it’s the archetypal truth of all things.
LEPTON: I don’t know why I even asked. All right, viewers, stay tuned. We’ll be right back.
SFX: Bell ringing
LEPTON: Viewers at home, when we come back, we’ll be deciding the winner of tonight’s live program. Tell us in the chat who you wanna see end this planet!