Hot Boy Villain Awards Part 5
Vol. 8, Part 5 of the live holostream of the 273rd annual Hot Boy Villain Awards, featuring ads for a new brand of tea, another PSA, and some hot new music. (Part of our live stream on Twitch from 8/28/2020. Follow at neverrad.com/twitch)
SCENE 9: HOT BOY VILLAIN AWARDS PART FIVE
MFX 1: A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.
TANGELO: And we’re back. Is it just me, or is it hot in here? Maybe I have a hormone imbalance, or maybe it’s time for our next category, “Best Smoldering Glare!” And the nominees are…
SFX 1: SHORT MUSICAL FLOURISH
TANGELO: Braiden Zorg for- What’s that, Barry? Okay, Barry’s telling me to speed things up and I’m also losing a lot of blood, so let’s skip to the winner on this one. Best Smoldering Glare goes to…
SFX 2: DRUMROLL
TANGELO: Kaylix Etoile. Congratulations, Kaylix. I have to say, I am not surprised by this one. Kaylix has a face that just keeps launching ships. Get up here, gorgeous.
SFX 3: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: Not unexpected, but definitely overdue. Your first Hottie. What do you say, Mr. Etoile?
TANGELO: Hm? Just gonna stand there and look at me like, like… wow, it’s like staring into an eclipse, but I can’t look away. Or like, the reflection of the stars in a pool of crystal water. I, uh, maybe it’s the blood loss, but I’m getting a little weak in the knees here, Kaylix. Please take the statue and go. Whew. Sorry about that, folks. I don’t know what came over me. Occupational hazard, I suppose. Well, that brings us to our last award, the one you’ve been waiting for… You Think You Could Change Him! There are lots of things to love about a Hot Boy Villain, but nothing gets the lips foaming and fanfic flowing like a glimmer of redeemability. Like, if he only knew how much you loved him he would turn away from his life of evil and let you soothe the guilt of all his wrongdoings. And the two of you would just snuggle and drink cocoa and wear comfy sweaters. And he would look deep into your eyes and say, “You saved me. Thank you.” And you would whisper, “No, Hot Boy Villain. You saved me.” At least, that’s how it goes in my imagination. And my blog. Anyway, the nominees for You Think You Could Change Him are…
SFX 4: SHORT MUSICAL FLOURISH
TANGELO: Xavier Darkmoon for “If it leads to your destruction, I shall immolate us all.”
SFX 5: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: Raspian Zenith for “Excuse me, princess.”
SFX 6: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: And Braiden Zorg for “This is stupid. You are stupid. Everyone is stupid.” What a line up. This had to be a tough choice for the judges, but only one gorgeous hooligan can take home this award. Let’s find out who the big winner of the biggest category of the greatest awards show in history is going to be… right after these messages.
SCENE 10: AD BREAK 5
SCENE 10A: TempoWrinkle tea
MFX 1: WHOLESOME OLD TIMEY MUSIC
RV WINKLE: Are you sick of waiting for your computer to install updates? It feels like an eternity! Does the snooze button always leave you wanting more? Are you tired of running around with more tasks to do than there is time to do them? Well, wait up a G dang minute. You can rest easy with a cup of RV Winkle’s Tempowrinkle Tea. RV Winkle’s Tempowrinkle Tea is a proprietary blend of herbs and particles that lets you move through time, on YOUR time!
Just heat up some water, drop in a bag, and brew to taste. Brew for 30 seconds and move five minutes forward in time. 29 and 3/4 seconds, move five minutes back. An additional half second in either direction changes that from five minutes to five years! Beyond that? We don’t even know! No one has come back! Sign up today with code “MORLOCK” and get a 10 pack delivered to your house by sentient drone every thirty days. Which might feel like the blink of an eye. Or Decades! We won’t tell you when to live your life. RV Winkle’s Tempowrinkle Tea is all natural, or supernatural, or something. We honestly don’t know how it works. But hot dang does it work! That’s why we wrote the following disclaimer!
Use at your own risk and at the risk of your timeline and multiverse. RV Winkle Incorporated is not responsible for self-negation, paradoxical incest, or autogenesis. Results of baby Hitler infanticide not guaranteed. If time travel persists more than four universal expansion/contraction cycles, consult a theoretical physicist. RV Winkle’s TempoWrinkle Tea. It’s about time!
SCENE 10B: space drug psa #3
THE SYSTEM: (Vocoder) And now a special announcement from the Galactic Authority.
YEETON: Children and hatchlings of Queth Galaxy, this is Galactic Mayor Bibbidus Yeeton here coming to you with one more important message. Gotta bear with me, okay? Alright, the last one, that, um, we’re talking about today is called Hevorin, sometimes they call it smackle, sometimes they call it dorp. It’s bad stuff, okay. The reports indicate that it feels like you’re having an orgasm, and your orgasm is having an orgasm, and that orgasm is getting pretty close. Dangerous stuff. Primarily because it makes you feel like you’re having an orgasm, but you’re not, okay. And you’re not having an orgasm with a fertile partner in hopes of rebuilding our numbers after the culling. This is dangerous stuff. Too much can kill you. Just enough can seriously hinder the development of mature sexual organs, which are necessary for recovering after the culling. Smaller doses still make the user completely useless in the workforce. We’re all in this together, okay? We’ve gotta work. We’ve gotta reproduce. There’s so many jobs after the culling.
Okay, that’s all from me, Galactic Mayor Bibbidus Yeeton. Remember to make sure you are signed up for the mandatory dating apps Intergalactic Smash Smash and Breedr. Remember, say no to drugs. Just fuck instead. Galactic Mayor Bibbidus Yeeton signing off.
SCENE 11C: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory #2
MFX 1: HOT ASS GUITAR
DEX: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory 12!
CHAZ: The wait is finally over for the latest compilation of today’s best poly music.
DEX: Featuring hot hits like Knob Marley “I Topped the Sheriff (And I Also Topped the Deputy)”; “Doxy’s Midnight Hummers “Come on Eileen…and Jessica and Kevin and Rick and Shauna”; The Righteous Bothers “Consensually Chained Melody”; John Layer, “Your Bodies Are All Wonderlands”
CHAZ: With more than eleventeen number one chart topping hits!
MFX: Matt does a music
CHAZ: Louis Hewis and the Times “That’s the Exponential Power of Love”; Paul McCarnal and Wangs “Band on the Other Members of the Band”; Honey and Bear, “I Got Youse, Babes”, John LaVolta and Olivia Luton-Pawn “You’re the Three That I Want”,
MFX: Matt does a music
DEX: Joe Cocker “Y’all Are So Beautiful”, Cyan Adams “(Everyone I Do) I Do Them With You”, Lonna Dewis “We Love You, Always Forever”, The Beaters “Lovely Rita, et. al”,.
MFX: Matt does a music
CHAZ: And of course, Lionel Richie’s “Endless Love”.
DEX: Order your copy of Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory! right now immediately
DEX: Right away
CHAZ: Supplies are limited
DEX: Order it
CHAZ: Get some for your whole throuple.
DEX: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory!
MFX: Ending flourish