Hot Boy Villain Awards Part 2
Vol. 8, Part 2 of the live holostream of the 273rd annual Hot Boy Villain Awards, featuring ads from around the Spacedale Fashion OctoSphere food court. (Part of our live stream on Twitch from 8/28/2020. Follow at neverrad.com/twitch)
HOT BOY VILLAIN AWARDS PART TWO
MFX: A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.
BARRISTER TANGELO: Welcome back to the 273d Annual Hot Boy Villain Awards, sponsored by Gerwick’s Tight Pants and Tall Collars. Their new line of Puffy Shirts are guaranteed to billow in the wind 25 percent more than other leading brands. Gotta love Gerwick’s! Okay doomers, it’s time to announce this year’s nominees for “Best Brooding.”
SFX 1: SHORT MUSICAL FLOURISH
TANGELO: Kyuss Von Fangswell for “Cursed with eternal beauty, I prey and yet my hunger grows.”
SFX 2: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: Xavier Darkmoon for “If it leads to your destruction, I shall immolate us all.”
SFX 3: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: Braiden Zorg for “This is stupid. You are stupid. Everyone is stupid.”
SFX 4: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: All great villains, but only one can take home this beautiful shiny statuette. Look at this thing. Ow! Hot damn, that’s a sharp hair do. Literally. Anyway- ow. May I have the envelope please. And a bandage. It’s time to announce this year’s winner of the Hottie for “Best Brooding.” Right after these messages!
SCENE 4: AD BREAK 2
SCENE 4A: Food Court/Alfonse #2
ALFONSE: How it feels to bite into Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dog.
SFX 1: Monkey Screams.
SFX 2: Pouring Champagne.
SFX 3: (porno) Ooh Yeah.
SFX 4: Boing.
SFX 5: Nice!
SFX 6: Electrical shock.
SFX 7: Explosion
ALFONSE: I’m Alfonse, and this is my establishment, Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dog, known for our high caliber of cornéd foods sure to tickle and tantalize.
Let’s say that your friends drag you to the mall for some shopping. You’re used to being able to buy whole malls, but your friends don’t know that. And when they suggest grabbing a bite to eat, you’re afraid to tell them just how sensitive your digestive tract is to inexpensive food products. We are here for you, discerning customer.
You will not be happy with a Big Don from SpaceDonald’s. That filth will pollute the temple of your body and leave you feeling heavy and poor all day. Optional old man flavor? Our seasonal menu has more interesting selections than that. Spice water that allows you to see past lives? We at Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dog deny the existence of such a thing, although our scrumptious bites will leave you in a heavenly glory that is completely future oriented. No past life hooey.
Fishtopher’s House of Pi serves every palate, except, of course, for the discerning, learned, cultured palate. Energy vapors? Like we would let a tasty, tender glowburgher even eat at our establishment. Philosophical quandaries? We see your epistemology, and raise you an ethical quandary in every bite. If you’re not concerned about every flavor and texture, have we really provided you with a fine dining experience? In Fishtopher, you may have a friend in the food court, but do you have someone that will challenge you to be better, and punish you when you’ve done wrong? For that you need me, Alfonse. For an added fee, I will throw your food on the ground and tell you you don’t deserve it.
We’ve recently added an item to our menu as well, the Cornéd Pizza. Some establishments might lead you to believe that they have pizza by virtue of their name, but then take it away from you at the last moment, substituting your processed cheese and bread product for fusion tex Asia mix tacos. Come, nurse your disappointment with our deep fried slice, featuring rustic Italuloid crust, Tomasto sauce, and Italuloid sausage, Cornéd and deep fried to perfection. You can taste Italuloid in every bite. No Italuloids allowed in the restaurant.
At Alfonse’s, we pride ourselves on bringing you flavors from all over the galaxy, from different cultures and non-human peoples. Wink. We are the only choice. Eat your Desires.
SCENE 4B: Food Court/Fishtopher #2
MFX: Some fuckin music or whatever I don’t care leave me alone
SFX 1: party
SPOKESBEING: Heard the news? Fishtopher’s House of Pi has won this year’s Splax DiCapricorn Gold Award for Technically Food.
Every year, the Splax DiCapricorn Gold Award is presented to the fast-casual restaurant that most exemplifies edibility. Fishtopher’s House of Pi is proud to have beaten the ranks of such great eateries as Tortilla Chimes and SplooshBurger, as well as such alleged food sellers as SpaceDonalds or that corn dog snob stop.
FISHTOPHER: I’m nutrieteur and CEO of Fishtopher’s House of Pi, Fishtopher [silly noise]. We here at Fishtopher’s House of Pi are devoted to bringing you the most food at the prices. Come on down to our newest location at the Spacedale Fashion Octosphere; open now… if it’s a weekday before 8; or a Saturday or Sunday before 5.
Scene 4C: FOOD COURT/Burnt Pizza #2
STUPERFULUX: Hello again for the first time, sweet definite customer. My name is Stuperfulux Grantismore and I’m here to tell you about Burnt Pizza Tacos. That’s the name of this restaurant kiosk, not the name of a dish. The dishes we serve are so much more than pizza could ever hope to be in its wildest, dumbest dreams. Our transcendentally flavorful dishes were perfectly formed in the genius mind of our beautiful and sexually gifted founder, Burnt Pizza, may he rest in peace. In addition to a long list of succulent, pan-cultural food offerings, Burnt Pizza developed a Customer Service Algorithm tailored to provide you with the ultimate in experiential ordering.
From the moment you approach a Burnt Pizza Tacos Kiosk, you will feel a fine mist of rose water lovingly caressing your cheek, perfectly spritzed from the bespoke spray bottle of our journeyman certified experiential server support staff. Don’t be alarmed when our burly-yet-tender certified strong woman lifts you off the ground, she’s just making room for one of our certified Burnt Pizza Tacos Footwear Removal Specialists to get those shoes off and put them in a sanitized locker while you stand on our hand-sewn throw pillow waiting queue cushions.Â Rest assured, all of our staff have passed a grueling, painful background check to ensure none of them will perv on you during this intimate retail process.
Our perfectly-bone-structured founder, Burnt Pizza, knew that food and beverages are the most sensual form of retail exchange and that to be truly great, he would need to craft an experience that was intimate and exciting, just like him. I get chills just thinking about him. About it. About Burnt Pizza Tacos. The most sensual-yet-comforting eatery in all of the whole entire The Spacedale Fashion Octosphere Burnt Pizza, I know you’re with Space God now, but I can still feel your pillow seams tickling my feet in a completely professional and non-pervy way. Burnt Pizza Tacos. We also sell food.
SCENE 4D: Food Court/Spacedonalds #2
SPACEDONALD: Howdy, y’all, it’s me, SpaceDonald again, founder and owner of SpaceDonald’s, the family restaurant over in The Spacedale Fashion Octasphere. You know, the one with the neon possum? I wanna take a moment and really get into what SpaceDonald’s offers you, the busy working-class citizen spending your hard-earned credits the way SpaceGod intended. Lemme tell ya, SpaceDonald’s is about as close to purity as y’all get here in The Spacedale Fashion Octasphere. We don’t use any nasty fry oil blends that cost more than your spacecraft payments. We don’t make any of that “idea nourishment” the kids are all into these days. We also have a founder who is very alive and really living it up. I done used my SpaceDonald’s money to buy a second bathtub for twice as many beverages so you can stay hydrated or whatever it is beverages are s’posd to make you do. All these other places, they sell you something you can eat 9 times outta 10, but they don’t serve you an experience like SpaceDonald’s does. Ol’ Sandy came, got themself a Spicewater and spent the day yelling about being the manager over at Lukewarm Theme before them kids ever started workin’ there.
And I’ll be honest: I ain’t got the faintest idea about gastronomony or puttin’ succulents in food, that ain’t edible to anyone but like deer or whatever, and I definitely don’t know what in the hell a mex-tex eedamaim is, but what I do know is burgers, Franch fries, and SpaceGod. And SpaceGod is telling you through me, SpaceDonald, right now, to come on down to SpaceDonald’s. I ain’t got no cross-streets or nothin’, I’m just right here in the middle of the Spacedale Fashion Octasphere with my ol’ neon possum sign. Ain’t no Tacoma’s or Acoma’s or whatever the fucks out here. Just me, you, a burger and a tasty, sweat-free bev fresh from one of two beverage bathtubs.
Oh, and speakin’ of, Mall Morty’s a SpaceGoddamned prick. He told me that makin’ bev in bathtubs was “unhygienic” and “against health code regulations”, but that guy can’t tell a Seratonian Badger from Cattlehustlin Houndshrew, so I wouldn’t trust him to bring a digihorse to reclaimed water if you catch my meaning.
SpaceDonald’s: You can eat here!