There’s a store—a very special, very…unusual store—where you’ll always find exactly what you need.
Frightful Things was written by Conrad Miszuk and featured dang near everybody—William Crook as the Devil, Ricco Machado-Torres as Buster, Jenae Hirsch as Tricia, Conrad Miszuk as Reverend, Briauna Kittle as Dorothy, and Ryan Jenkins as Lillith.
Music and sound by Conrad Miszuk.
SCENE 1: THE STORE
MFX 1: Fun, upbeat advertisement music.
SFX 1: A door opens. The bell above the door rings. Footsteps.
BUSTER: Hey, has this place always been here?
THE DEVIL: We’re seasonal. Welcome to Frightful Things, your Halloween Last Minute Dream Costume Warehouse, where you can always find exactly what you’re looking for at a price you can just afford.
BUSTER: That’s great, ’cause I’ve got this party to go to and I have nothing to wear.
THE DEVIL: Oh, I know why you’re here, Buster Danworth of 227 Oak Tree Lane, 24 years old, still a student at Town University because your drinking problem keeps you from making your morning classes, and you drink so much because your third grade teacher once yelled at you for touching yourself in class, and you’ve never been able to recover. At Frightful Things, we like to give each and every one of our customers personalized treatment.
BUSTER: What the hell? I just need a costume.
THE DEVIL: Aisle 7. It’s a hotdog costume with a little hotdog sticking out of the front like some sort of delightful reference to human anatomy.
BUSTER: It’s… It’s beautiful. Everyone will think I’m so witty.
THE DEVIL: That will be 26.66, and I’ll need you to destroy something holy.
BUSTER: It’s a wiener with a wiener.
THE DEVIL: Use my hammer. Or this stick of dynamite. No one will ever suspect you. The Catholic Church on Maple, if you’d be so kind.
BUSTER: Everyone will think I’m so witty.
THE DEVIL: At Frightful Things, when you get what you want, I get what I want.
BUSTER: Hey, where’s that accent from?
THE DEVIL: Akron, Ohio.
SFX 2: Door, bell, footsteps.
THE DEVIL: Welcome to Frightful Things, the seasonal popup costume supplier with the best deals in town.
TRICIA: I don’t care what it is or what it costs. I just need to look hot. Tonight.
THE DEVIL: Perfect. Aisle 3. It’s a sinfully tasteless caricature of an uncontacted Amazonian tribal woman.
TRICIA: Lady Titty Cocktease? I’ve never laid my eyes on something so beautiful.
THE DEVIL: That will be 66.69. And I’ll need you to take a dump on the doorstep of Buster’s third grade teacher. She will never suspect you.
TRICIA: Oh my god, this talisman is so cute. Is it, like, a sacred honor? Like that feather headdress from two years ago that got me so many likes?
THE DEVIL: Most certainly.
TRICIA: My Insta Story is going to be amazing.
THE DEVIL: Naturally.
SFX 3: Door, bell, footsteps.
REVEREND: That Catholic bastard priest slashed my tires. Where do you keep your axes.
THE DEVIL: Reverend, this is a costume store. For that, you will have to meet me out back later.
REVREND: I can’t wait forever. He’s leading people right to the Devil!
THE DEVIL: Of course he is.
SFX 4: Door, bell, footsteps.
THE DEVIL: At Frightful Things, we also make decorating for your last minute, desperate party a breeze.
DOROTHY: I am in so much trouble. I need decorations now. I went on a terrible video game binge and didn’t get anything I was supposed to do done this week. I have almost no money.
THE DEVIL: We have everything you need for whatever you’ve got in your pocket. But first I’m going to need you to skin a dog.
DOROTHY: What the fuck. I just want to buy decorations.
THE DEVIL: Just one dog? A little one? Hardly cute at all?
DOROTHY: I have to go. I think my guests will be fine with punch.
THE DEVIL: Did I come on too strong?
THE DEVIL: Here, touch this pumpkin lantern. It sings.
DOROTHY: I’m running away now.
THE DEVIL: The year is 2051. The City is Morocco. Your grandson and I will do business. Think of that when you engage in premarital relations with your FWB this evening. Your future spouse.
SFX 5: Door, bell, footsteps.
LILLITH: So I’ve recently gotten into witchcraft, and let me just say I’m a big fan.
THE DEVIL: Oh, not again. Begone woman!
LILLITH: I wanna do real magic!
THE DEVIL: OUT!
LILLTIH: I’ll skin a dog!
THE DEVIL (pause) Meet me out back. Frightful Things. The perfect Halloween costume retailer, when it’s the last minute, you’re desperate, and skinning a dog isn’t off the table.
LILLITH: Should I take off my clothes?
THE DEVIL: That won’t be necessary.