Miscellany

Caring for Your Kraken

It is important for every good citizen to learn the importance of Responsibility. This short film, produced by Coronello Pictures for the War Education Authority, is designed to help you and your child learn about the value of Responsibility and how every citizen can practice Responsibility at home by adopting and caring for a pet.

Caring for Your Kraken was written by Kitt Keller and featured the voices of William Crook as the announcer, and Ricco Machado Torres as the Voice of the Government

Transcription:

FAAB Citizen’s Guide: Caring for Your Kraken

MFX 1 Fanfare

G-MAN And now, an official presentation from the Federal Agricultural Aggression Board: “Caring for Your Kraken” a citizen’s guide produced in cooperation with the War Education Authority and Coronello Instructional Pictures.

MFX 2 1950s “instructional video” music underscoring all of the below.

NARRATOR Responsibility. It’s one of the most important values for a steadfast citizen in today’s fast-paced world.

NARRATOR/CONT’D OVER…

NARRATOR: Opportunities for responsibility are all around us, all the time, and it is important for citizens to develop a good sense of responsibility if they want to contribute to society and support the nation.

Meet Johnny. Johnny is a young citizen on his journey to developing a good sense of responsibility. Johnny helps his mother at home. Johnny helps his father by bringing him his after dinner cigar. Johnny is always meticulous with his schoolwork. Good job, Johnny! Johnny is a promising young citizen. So what can Johnny do to become even more responsible?

“Mother! Mother!” Johnny says. “Look! The pet store has krakens available to be adopted.”

Caring for a kraken is a very important responsibility, and there are many important factors that Johnny must understand.

The first thing to do is secure a tank for your kraken. Krakens grow very fast, so it is important to have a very large tank. 800 gallons?

NARRATOR/CONT’D OVER…

NARRATOR: Hmm. Better get the 1000 gallon tank, Johnny.

A kraken likes to have lots of places to hide and wait for prey, so Johnny should pick out a number of craggy rocks for the bottom of the tank. Look out, little fish!

SFX 1 Glug glug glug bubble noises

Krakens are very intelligent—perhaps more intelligent that we could ever imagine—so it is important to keep them stimulated. Johnny will need to get some playthings for his kraken: a little ball, a realistic human mannequin, a Tesla coil, a chain of silver bells. The kraken will love these!

Finally, Johnny should have a diving suit with a solid steel helmet so that he can clean his kraken’s tank. It would not do to let the kraken’s tank become overgrown or dirty. It would not do at all.

At home, Johnny sets up his kraken’s tank and fills it with salt water from the municipal salt water line.

NARRATOR/CONT’D OVER…

NARRATOR: Soon, it is time to release the kraken into its new home. Johnny carefully tips the bag into the tank. Splash!

SFX 2 Splash

In it goes!

Now, it will be Johnny’s responsibility to feed the kraken three times a day. Do you know what a kraken eats, Johnny?

That’s right! The very sound of terror, the thick stew of thrashing muscle, water, and blood, the writhing flesh of sailors, hot marrow sucked from the heart of human bones, and brine shrimp are the kraken’s favorite foods. A kraken has a big appetite. It will eat twice its weight in food every day! That’s a lot of feeding, Johnny. Are you sure you understand? Are you? Are you really?

SFX 3 Predatory growl

Let’s check in with Johnny a few months later. He has named his kraken N’groamnjörg [n-GROW-min-YORG] the Wide-Fanged. It has grown considerably. Look!

NARRATOR/CONT’D OVER…

NARRATOR: It is almost as big as Johnny’s father’s car and twice as deadly.

Watch Johnny feeding the kraken. First, he climbs the ladder to the feeding platform. He carefully unrolls the body from the tarpaulin and into the tank.

SFX 4 Gentle splash

“N’groamnjörg the Wide-Fanged!” he calls. “Time to eat!” Watch those tentacles thrash. Isn’t it cute?

SFX 5 violent splashing

Now, let’s watch as Johnny cleans the tank. First, he puts on his reinforced dive suit. Then, he checks to make sure that N’groamnjörg the Wide-Fanged isn’t hungry right now. Of course, it is impossible to know for certain if a kraken is not hungry, but Johnny is a responsible citizen. He should be fine. Johnny uses his net to gather the shards of bone from the bottom of the tank. He wipes the algae from the walls of the tank. He tickles N’groamnjörg the Wide-Fanged under its pulsating mantle. The tank is clean!

NARRATOR/CONT’D OVER…

NARRATOR: Johnny repeats these duties every day to make sure that N’groamnjörg the Wide-Fanged is happy and healthy and above all, well-fed. Johnny has a friend for life in N’groamnjörg the Wide-Fanged, and what’s more, he is fast becoming a citizen with a good sense of responsibility. What do you think, citizen? Are you ready for a kraken of your own?

MFX 3 End underscoring

G-MAN Thanks again, citizens, for your vigilance. The FAAB appreciates your loyalty. Always remember to support the war effort.(ominously) Which war? Any war.

MFX 4 Ending fan fare