Do you suffer from Space Madness? Galactrosine may be right for you.

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MFX 1: Generic calming music

NARRATOR: Space Madness. We’ve all heard of it—the stories of starship captains hallucinating interstellar squid monsters, cosmonauts suddenly believing they’re trapped in some kind of evil mirror universe, otherwise reasonable space pilots losing grip with reality and opening all the airlocks for no apparent reason. Space Madness is no silent killer—in fact, it’s usually quite loud, especially towards the end.

Risk factors for space madness include long-term space travel, frequent teleporter usage, and spending more than 115 consecutive hours alone in an uninhabited zone; if you have experienced one or more of these factors over the past 5 standard galactic periods, you may still be at risk for developing space madness.

That’s why there’s Galactrosine. Galactrosine is an annual injection designed to treat and prevent outbreaks of space madness. Galactrosine works by spectrolyzing the the neural pathways responsible for causing space madness. Patients taking Galactrosine had a 98% reduction in space madness symptoms over one galactic standard period. Embodied visual hallucinations, facial disconnectivity, and glossolalia all decreased significantly.

Remember: there are many places in space where people can hear you scream. Talk to your doctor about Galactrosine. Before it’s too late.

CREDITS:    This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you. Become a subscription donor and get wonderful benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.

Space Meds was written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voice of Ryan Jenkins, with Kitt Keller reading the stage directions.

The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, with credits read by Conrad Miszuk.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcriptions. Videos of the live performances and past streams are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Future and current streams are at NeverRad.com/twitch. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, and connect with us on social media facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.

Special thanks to our Patreon patrons, especially Valerie, Your Real Dad, Dylan Baldanza, Scout, Paul C who reversed the polarity in just the nick of time, Josh Green who amplified the signal, and Sass Master J who ran a level 3.69 diagnostic! (More like Diag-nice-tic!)