Iron Tyrant Part 4

SFX:    Dramatic Sting.

LEPTON:    Welcome back; I’m your host Lepton Brown and this is the live season finale of Iron Tyrant. We’re going to bring all of this week’s doomtestants back to the judgment hexagon to answer to me, Comptroller Beens, and special guest judges the artist known only as Britamatone, the psychic entity Mauve, Hot Boy Villain Award-Winner EXavier Darkmoon, Celebrity Camelia Loost, and everyone’s favorite master of darkness and purveyor of galactic destruction, Orgelthrek! 

SFX:    Applause

LEPTON:    Each of our three doomtestants has turned up a phenomenal end of days for the good beings of Fleeve and it’s all come down to tonight. 

    Don’t forget: this isn’t just about the judges. You, the viewing audience, have the chance to sway the events by voting now via psychic link (pause) or in the chat! Tell us how you want to see Fleeve destroyed on LIVE HOLOVISION! 

    Now, our contestants are not all just playing for power, fear and glory. There’s also a cash prize of 15,000 credits and a Platinum Corral coupon, and on top of that, Iron Tyrant will donate 5,000 credits to the charity of your choosing. Before we get to the results, what charities are you all playing for today?

MALMO:    I’m representing the HNSPCA—the Horsehead Nebula Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.  You know, I just…I love animals. Beings who abuse animals are just the lowest of the low. They should be incinerated. You know, MalmoCorp makes a convenient home incinerator that’s ideal for the purpose.

BEENS:    Oh, you don’t use any animal subjects in your own work?

MALMO:    No, no. MalmoCorp is 100% cruelty-free. No animal testing; we use human interns. It’s excellent work experience; really prepares them for the ‘real world’—jobs, bosses, office meetings, torture, the whole corporate thing. And of course any survivors get college credit.

LEPTON:    So it’s a traditional internship?

MALMO:    Precisely.

LEPTON:    That is so admirable.

MALMO:    Well, thank you, Lepton.

LEPTON:    Now, onto Quantas. Quantas, what can you tell us about your charity?

QUANTUS:    Smash.

QUANTUS (DUB):    The charity is called SMASH. Single Matriarchs Against Surreptitious Hedonism. It provides funds to quell the dangers of guilty pleasures. You know Lepton, guilty pleasures account for 47% of the accidental injuries in this Universe.

LEPTON:    And Gandra?

GANDRA:    My charity is Chaos.

LEPTON:    Is that an acronym?

GANDRA:    No.

LEPTON:    You’re playing for the concept of chaos?

GANDRA:    Always.

LEPTON:    Now, on to the judges. Comptroller Beens, as representative for the intended recipients of our doomtestants’ work, can you weigh in on Professor Quantas Verblanskowicz’s plan?

BEENS:    [clears throat] The producers have required me to say two nice things about each of your ideas and two not nice things about each of your ideas regardless of how I actually feel about your ideas to build dramatic tension but don’t say this part out loud during the filming. Professor Quantus Verblanskowicz. I love that your idea is fast and dramatic. It’ll be sure to blow our minds moments before we’re turned into a Fleevian paste by the sudden destabilization of our planet’s core. I don’t like that it seems like it might misfire and maybe just destroy us part way, which will not be enough to get us into Herben. Also the rumbling of the planet makes me anxious.

LEPTON:    Britomatone, what do you think?

BRITAMATONE:    [go for it]

LEPTON:    And now, Mauve, what were your thoughts? Audience, please remember that you will need your psychic broadcast headbands firmly attached in order to experience the thoughts of Mauve.

MAUVE:    [A low vibrating sound]


QUANTUS (DUB):    You are correct that the iron might chip, but I contend that this will not be a problem before the planet is destroyed.

LEPTON:    Xavier Darkmoon? Your thoughts?

XAVIER:    I think your plan is stupid and I would have done it better.

LEPTON:    Camelia?

CAMELIA:    Hi, I’m Camelia Loost. You might know me from television or from various beauty and intelligence pageants from around the galaxy. I’m not sure why you want to destroy this planet. It seems fine to me as is and these people are at least okay, even if they aren’t hot like me, Camelia Loost, six time Miss Titan, nonconsecutively. 

LEPTON:    Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction?


LEPTON:    All right, some mixed reactions there. How about you Gandra? What did you end up doing?

SFX:    Bell ringing

GANDRA:    [honks]

BEENS:    I love it.

LEPTON:    Can you go into any more detail?

GANDRA:    My work speaks for itself, darling. Sometimes literally. As you can see, the planet has been swaddled in a cocoon of surrealism; the very reality of Fleeve has been disrupted. Trees are melting into birds; birds are rapidly unevolving into the great and terrible lizards of the past; the floor is ice and the ceiling is fire. It is my masterpiece.

LEPTON:    Xavier? You look like you want to say something?

XAVIER:    Whatever. This is bogus. I’m too hot. I’m firing my agent for booking me on this disaster.

LEPTON:    Camelia?

CAMELIA:    Hi. It’s me Camelia Loost. It’s fabulous; I would absolutely wear that. Do you take commissions? 

GANDRA:    I’ll give you my HONKness card.

CAMELIA:    Give it to my assistant. I don’t handle paper. [yelling] Carol!

LEPTON:    Now, how did you end up using the surprise component, guacamole?

GANDRA:    Darling, how didn’t I? 

LEPTON:    I—I—I…can you just explain your process, please? 

GANDRA:    [honks]

[beat of stunned silence]

LEPTON:    Wow, that’s incredible. You’ve somehow captured the very essence of guacamole. 

BEENS:    Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Poetic even. As though you’ve created Herben right here for us on Fleeve already. 

CAMELIA:    You are a sinspiration.

XAVIER:    Whoa

BRITOMATONE:    [car alarm(?)]

LEPTON:    Well, I’m not sure how we’ll top that, but Malmo.

MALMO:    For the last time, it’s

LEPTON:    Doctor.

MALMO:    Thank you.

LEPTON:    Did your fireworks deathstravaganza come off as intended?

MALMO:    Yes. All the caches are set and ready to light up the system. It’s going to be really special. Spectacular. And it’s not some highbrow, experimental, abstract end of days. It’s real; it’s immediate; it’s a great big explosion.

LEPTON:    Our viewers certainly do like that approach. Now, what about the secret component?

MALMO:    As you can see, there are bowls of guacamole ice cream placed within each of the caches. I also made a bunch of the interns eat it.

XAVIER:    Hot.

MALMO:    No, no it’s ice cream.

CAMELIA:    Hi. Cold things can be hot.


MAUVE:    [low vibrating sound]

LEPTON:    I completely agree, Mauve. All right. Well, we the judges are going to have a discussion and we’ll be back to you with our decision…right after this.

SFX:    transition sound

ADVERTISER:    Coming up next on OmniNetwork, we’ve got home improvement with the Terraforming Twins, followed by sport featuring Tom Brady, and wind up your prime time viewing with the heart-stopping 802nd season finale of NCIS, still starring Mark Harmon.

SFX:    transition sound

LEPTON:    Welcome back to Iron Tyrant, I’m your host Lepton Brown and we’re just about to destroy the people and planet of Fleeve. 

    Welcome back to our doomtestants, Dr. Malmo Zarathustra, Professor Quantas Verblanskowicz, and Gandra. 

SFX:    Applause

    We also have judges: Xavier Darkmoon, Britomatone, Mauve, Camelia Loost, and the one and only Orgelthrek, master of darkness and purveyor of galactic destruction.

SFX:    Applause

    Last and also least, we have Fleevian Comptroller Pippledon Beens. 

BEENS:    [claps for themself. They are the only one clapping. It’s sad.]

LEPTON:    All right. Doomtestants, approach.

MFX:    Dramatic cue

LEPTON:    Malmo. We were impressed with your plans and we really love fireworks. However, Comptroller Beens raised concerns over the fireworks spectacular causing distress for pets down on the planet. (Pause for humor) Additionally, the guacamole is really more of a garnish and that’s not what we were looking for. It needed to be a real part of the plan.


QUANTAS:    Smash?

LEPTON:    While your drilling plans were very ambitious, the judges felt that time management really held you back here. Your plan was unfinished and the flavors didn’t really complement each other. Your use of the surprise component was excellent, but in the end, the overall effect just didn’t work for us.


SFX:    Bell ringing

LEPTON:    Your work showcases some of the most incredible eschatological creativity and innovation that I, for one, have ever witnessed. The judges know you’re destined for great things; if this is where your career starts, we’ll all be bowing beneath your iron will in no time. The galaxy will know and fear the name of Gandra.


XAVIER:    I’ve never been so moved by anything in my entire life that wasn’t a reflective surface.

BRITOMATONE:    [dun dun dun! weet weet!]

LEPTON:    But it’s not just up to the judges. We’ve tallied the home votes and the winner of Iron Tyrant: Fleeve is…

SFX:    A drumroll. It goes on much longer than it should.

LEPTON:    [whomever won the votes in the chat]

SFX:    Applause, which is cut off by…

SFX:    Generic ringtone

XAVIER:    Rude.

LEPTON:    Okay, who’s phone is that? 

BEENS:    Oh, oh, it’s me; sorry, I have to take this. [on phone] Yes? Hello? Yes this is Comptroller Beens…Mm-hm…mm-hm…no, no, I’m not busy…mm-hm…mm-hm…mmmmmmm…right, well I’ll let them know.

GANDRA:    [ominously] Remind me again, Comptroller, what species you are…

BEENS:    Beings and entities, I’ve got some incredible news.

LEPTON:    Yes?

BEENS:    It turns out the planet has already been destroyed?

ALL:    [expressions of surprise/annoyance, etc.]

CAMELIA:    I don’t understand…

LEPTON:    What happened?

BEENS:    Apparently some kind of rapidly advancing venereal disease swept through the entire population. Every species on the planet is now extinct.

LEPTON:    How did that—? Was this part of somebody’s plan? Quantas? Gandra? Malmo? 

QUANTAS:    No smash.

GANDRA:    The purity of creation cannot be dulled by sickness, darling; you should know that. 

MALMO:    When would we have had the time?

LEPTON:    I’m sorry, what exactly is going on here? 

BEENS:    I don’t know, but I’m certainly pleased. Not only did we get three delightful presentations, there was a twist ending. My, television production is exciting.

LEPTON:    I just don’t understand what happened. None of you did this?

QUANTAS:    No. Smash.

MALMO:    As the ancient philosopher Shaggy says, wasn’t me.

GANDRA:    [honks]

LEPTON:    I mean, it’s nice that the planet itself remains intact; by law the production company owns that property now so they can just turn that over to the Terraforming Twins for their next season, but I’m…well, frankly, I’m confused.

CAMELIA:    Ooh, I love the Terraforming Twins. Marsathan is so cute.

BRITOMATONE:    [wolf whistle]

XAVIER:    They’re stupid.

LEPTON:    Let’s go through this. Production got here 10 standard galactic daylight periods ago, we set up, the judges arrived and we put them up in the Fleeve Motel Pi, and then all of a sudden the entire planet is dead of disease. Carrie? Carrie, did we accidentally bring that ultraviolet plague from episode 10 along somehow?

CAMELIA:    I think I know what happened.

[long beat]

LEPTON:    …Are you going to tell us?

CAMELIA:    Oh, right. Well, you know Xavier?

LEPTON:    Not so much that I have a poster of him on the wall in my dressing room.

CAMELIA:    Well, after last year’s Hot Boy Villain Awards, something similar happened to the audience. I remember because the auditorium had to be shut down and Miss Titan ended up being moved to the Portland Convention Center.

XAVIER:    I guess I’m just…dangerous.

BRITOMATONE:    [question sound/mid to high tremolo]

CAMELIA:    It’s a disease called sexopolyzithitis (SEX-oh-POL-ee-zith-IT-is). It’s transmitted through smoldering glances. Anyone who catches it dies of orgasms within 36 hours. My friend Xantham did her doctoral thesis on it.

LEPTON:    Was she looking for a cure?

CAMELIA:    Just for the death part.

XAVIER:    I guess I’m what they call an asymptomatic carrier or whatever. [tosses hair] 

LEPTON:    Right. Well. I guess the doomtestants just get to kill Comptroller Beens, then? Comptroller?

BEENS:    Ah…You know, I wouldn’t want to suffer a different fate to my compatriots. It wouldn’t really seem fair. I should get the orgasm disease too; that’s the most just solution I think.

MALMO:    Are you sure? I have some leftover fireworks. 

BEENS:    No, no; you’re too kind. I’ll stand with my people.

XAVIER:    All right, look into my eyes. Or don’t; whatever. I don’t care. You’re all stupid.

LEPTON:    Well. I guess that’s the end of that. Stay tuned for the season premier of Hot Yacht: The Next Generation after this. 

GANDRA:    [honks]

XAVIER:     You’re all a bunch of losers.

BEENS:    Hooo, boy. I’m feeling something. Here it comes. Oh boy oh boy. Here we go. Oh wow. Would you feel that right where I feel it. Oh, Gosh in Herben. Woooo. Oh boy. Here it is. Wow. HRRRRRRK.

MFX:    Credits music