Vocal Butter & Sputnik and Greeb Election
Talk like Conrad! The Sputnik and Greeb Law Group is working for YOU.
SCENE 9A: GODDAMN VOCAL BUTTER
CONRAD: Hi there. I’m Conrad Miszuk. You may know me from podcasting, and if you don’t, that’s probably for the best. I’ve been in the industry longer than some people on the Never Rad team have been alive, and during that time, I’ve been complimented on the sweet dulcet tones of my lucious voice. And who could blame them? Have you heard me speak? Of course you have. (GENTLE CHUCKLE)
And so, in an effort to share my glory with the rest of humanity, I’ve developed Conrad’s Vocal Butter. Conrad’s Vocal Butter is guaranteed to bring your voice the deep seductive tones it’s been missing to really make the ladies in your life say, “Wow, I hope this beautiful-voiced person doesn’t start talking about the uncontrollable foot fetish they ‘definitely don’t have.’”
Made of only the finest salted butters imported directly from Poland and serenaded with tales of youth from yours truly, Conrad’s Vocal Butter can be used in many ways. Bathe in it, massage it into your supple body, spread it on the most delicious of grilléd cheeses; apply Conrad’s Vocal Butter however you please and I guarantee my voice will be deep in your vocal folds with three uses with absolutely zero uncomfortable side effects.
CUSTOMER: I used Conrad’s vocal butter one time, and I already sound just like Conrad. Even down to my most basic mannerisms. I whole-heartedly recommend Conrad’s vocal butter to anyone for literally any reason. Get yours today and thank me space tuesday.
DISCLAIMER VOICE: Conrad’s Vocal Butter cannot be held accountable for signs of increased horniness from yourself or others, existential dread, a desire for feet, losing time to podcast creation, existential dread, inability to close tabs, or saying phrases guaranteed to make all your friends and coworkers uncomfortable on a molecular level.
CONRAD: So buy my butter today. You can trust me; I have a film degree.
SCENE 9B: SPUTNIK AND GREEB – POLITICS
SFX 1: Gavel.
SPUTNIK: I’m Gorglax Sputnik.
GREEB: And I’m Marty Greeb.
SPUTNIK: Have you just decisively lost a free and fair democratic election, but you’re not done throwing a tantrum about it?
GREEB: We will gladly take your money to litigate.
SPUTNIK: Are you trying to convince your greatest supporters that there’s a fight left to fight so that you can continue to elicit their donations?
GREEB: We will gladly take some of those donations in exchange for prolonging the fruitless legal battles.
SPUTNIK: Listen to one of our happy customers.
SCENE 2: Courtroom
SFX 2: Gavel.
JUDGE: So was there someone in the room for the counting of the space ballots?
GREEB: Yes, your honor.
JUDGE: Not you. You’re on probation.
SPUTNIK: There was a non-zero number of people from the candidate’s party in the room, your honor.
JUDGE: Then what are we doing here?
SPUTNIK: That is a great question, your honor.
JUDGE: Get out of my sight.
SPUTNIK: With gusto. That’ll be 8,690 credits, Mr. Galactic Mayor.
SFX 3: Gavel.
SPUTNIK: At the Sputnik and Greeb law group, we’re not done until
SPUTNIK: Say we’re done.
GREEB: Or you run out of money.
SPUTNIK: Call Sputnik and Greeb today. (224)225-5723.
SCENE 10: CREDITS
CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you and their evil step-twins. Become a subscription donor and get spine-tingling bonus benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.
Make sure you’re subscribed, secretly double cross the like button, and come back from the dead (again)to get revenge on your stepstepmother… by hitting the bell icon to extra subscribe and make sure you get notified every time we release a video.
NRM Nothing was written by Conrad Miszuk, featuring the voice of Conrad Miszuk as the Narrator, Briauna Kittle as Person #1, Kitt Keller as Person #2, and Matt Braman as Person #3.
Earth God vs. Space God was written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voice of Matt Braman as the Spokesebeing and Ryan Jenkins reading stage directions
Between the Decks was written by Conrad Miszuk, Briauna Kittle, and Kitt Keller, but all the parts you didn’t like were Conrad’s. It featured the voices of Conrad Miszuk as the Narrator, Kitt Keller as Cormelia Synz, Matt Braman as Yelani and Zelani Gorsht and Captain Ahmayad, Ryan Jenkins as Violet Lovestrong, Briauna Kittle as Smythe Jahn, Conrad Miszuk as Lt. Red MacGoughin, Fox Williams as Dr. Brantix, and Kitt Keller as the ship’s loudspeaker. Stage Directions were read by Conrad Miszuk, Kitt Keller, and Ryan Jenkins.
The Sputnik and Greeb ad for the polycule break-up and the election one were written by Conrad Miszuk and the ads featuring the unlucky ensign and the mad scientist were written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voices of Matt Braman as Gorglax Sputnik, Conrad Miszuk as the recently un-disbarred Marty Greeb, Fox Williams as Jordache, Ryan Jenkins as the ensign, Kitt Keller as Professor Nihilate, Briauna Kittle as the no-nonsense judge, with stage directions read by Kitt Keller.
Space Exterminators was written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voice of Fox Williams as the Spokesbeing, with Ryan Jenkins reading the stage directions.
StarFax was written by Briauna Kittle and featured the voices of COnrad Miszuk as Spacenoid #1, Fox Williams as Spacenoid #2, and Matt Braman as Comet, with Briauna Kittle reading the stage directions.
Meganolias was written by Conrad Miszuk, who bears sole responsibility for its content. It featured the voices of Fox Williams as the Narrator, Ryan Jenkins as Maven, and Matt Braman as Dudley.
Space of Our Lives was written by Conrad Miszuk and featured the voices of Kitt Keller as Capt. Rock Hardley, Fox Williams as Officer Gala, and Conrad Miszuk’s “accent” as Scott, with Ryan Jenkins reading the stage directions.
Rocket Gab was written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voices of Fox Williams as Zerk and Matt Braman as Zark, Conrad Miszuk as Jox, Briauna Kittle as Jahn Smythe, and Ryan Jenkins as Luli.
Conrad’s Vocal Butter was written by Briauna Kittle, but it was Conrad’s idea, so blame him. It featured the voices of Briauna Kittle as Conrad Miszuk, Ryan Jenkins as the Disclaimer, and Conrad Miszuk as the Satisfied Customer.
Miscellanists in the field may report their strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s 224-225-5723.
The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, Briauna Kittle, Matt Braman, and Kitt Keller, with credits read by Kitt Keller.
The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcripts.
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Special thanks to our Patreon patrons, especially Valerie, Your Real Dad, Birthday Boy Dylan Baldanza, Scout, Wraith Ryu, star of Space of Our Lives Paul C, two-time Beings Magazine Sexiest Being Alive winner Josh Green, and galaxy-renowned crystalologist Sass Master J.
Which member of hot new boy band Large Magellanic Cloudz do you think is the dreamiest? Splax? Blornge? Quiddy? Tim? Tell us in the comments!
Miscellaneous fact #2 – One in 10,000 humans is born with fangs and the ability to produce powerful hallucinogenic neurotoxins.