Twin Star Recruitment
General Falstaff has an important announcement regarding the eternal fight against Orgelthrek the Devourer.
The Twin Star Alliance is written by Briauna Kittle and features the voices of Ricco Machado-Torres as the Announcer, Ryan Jenkins as General Falstaff, and Kitt Keller as Natalie.
Twin Star Recruitment Part 1
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program with some breaking news. Captain Adrienne Falstaff of the Twin Star Alliance is here with an update regarding the war on Orgelthrek. Let’s take a look.
MFX 1: MARS, BRINGER OF WAR-ESQUE BATTLE MUSIC
FALSTAFF: Attention, Residents and Staff of our neighboring galaxies. This is Captain Falstaff of the Twin Star System and Leader of the Twin Star Alliance here to share important information about the eradication of existence as we know it by
SFX 1: POWERPOINT SLIDE CLICK.
FALSTAFF: Orjelthurk: Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction. Every day, he looms over us all in the Twin Star System, devouring everything in his sight, including our own people. Millions of lives are lost each day into the gaping maw of Orjelthurk with no sign of return. But with your help, we can fight back and hit Orjelthurk where it hurts and end his reign of terror once and for all!
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) It’s Orgelthrek.
FALSTAFF: Sorry, tonight’s my wife’s biannual audiobook club meeting, so I’m watching my daughter at home. (OFF-MIC) What was that, sweetpea?
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) You said Orjelthurk, but it’s pronounced Orgelthrek with a hard G.
FALSTAFF: (OFF-MIC) That doesn’t sound right at all.
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) It sounds better than Orjelthurk.
FALSTAFF: (OFF-MIC) Alright, well, I will keep that in mind. I have to finish this broadcast, okay? It’s very important, so I need you to not interrupt. (ON-MIC) (CLEARS THROAT) As I was saying…
SFX 2: POWERPOINT SLIDE CLICK.
FALSTAFF: Orgelthrek is a being of pure darkness who has been attacking the Twin Star System for as long as any of us can remember. He is massive, made of pure darkness, like the shadow of the sun with horns, rows and rows of teeth, and a long billowing cape that makes you wish you could remember that one anime you used to watch as a kid. You know, the one with the peppy protagonist on a quest much larger than them and they have to fight that one guy with the badass cape? I can’t remember. Because that’s the other thing about Orjelthurk: he—
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) Are you talking about Mecha-Punch Ultimate?
FALSTAFF: (BEAT)(OFF-MIC) Am I talking about what now?
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) Mecha-Punch Ultimate. It’s really good. The big bad of the tournament arc has a pretty cool cape. My friend Poppy got a cape like it for her birthday.
FALSTAFF: (OFF-MIC) No, I’m not talking about Mecha-Punch whatever. I can’t remember the anime becaaaaause…
SFX 3: POWERPOINT SLIDE CLICK.
FALSTAFF: Orjelthurk devours. It doesn’t matter what: Planets, stars, buildings, memories, time. But people are his favorite.
Which brings us to you.
MFX 2: ENCOURAGING, HOPEFUL PROPAGANDA MUSIC!
FALSTAFF: Up until now, we have sent out specially trained soldiers to attack Orjelthurk which does little to slow him down until we had a breakthrough that could swing the whole fight in our favor.
SFX 4: POWERPOINT SLIDE CLICK.
FALSTAFF: Yesterday, before entering the fray, a squadron from planet Bleebin ate a good luck lunch of Madeline Moostar’s UltraLactose coffee-flavored iced cream, well-known across the galaxy as having three times the amount of lactose as the standard dairy dessert.
FALSTAFF (CONT’D): Of course, this team was devoured immediately, but! Half a Quaggnot hour post-devouring, this happened. (OFF-MIC) Sweetheart, you’re gonna love this.
SFX 5: TAPE RECORDER CLICK. MUSIC STOPS. WE HEAR ORGELTHREK GROAN IN PAIN AND SAY:
ORGELTHREK MoDPoGD: Did those people have dairy in them? Oh me…
DEEP RUMBLING OF TUMMY TROUBLES BEFORE ORGELTHREK SPEAKS AGAIN:
ORGELTHREK MoDPoGD: Lactnos…Need…Lactnos…
SFX 6: TAPE RECORDER CLICK.
MFX 3: PROPOGANDA MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN.
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) Woahhhh, that was Orgelthrek?!?!
FALSTAFF: Yes it was, Natalie. Yes it was. (CHUCKLES) According to some of our generals, Orjelthurk whined and groaned instead of stuffing his nasty gob for 6 Quaggnot hours which allowed us to attack Orjelthurk with a 200% decrease in casualties as you can see on this graph.
Now, we— … (OFF-MIC) Nat, what are you giggling about back there?
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) Nothing, mom. Your graph looks really nice. 😊
FALSTAFF: (OFF-MIC)(SWELLING WITH PRIDE!) Well thanks, Natalie, that means a lot. (ON-MIC) Now where was I… Oh right. We sent out plenty a squadron full-up on iced cream with the standard amount of lactose with no reaction, so we have concluded this was the result specifically of Madeline Moostar’s UltraLactose iced bovine secretion. I know, it’s a mouthful, so I shortened it to IBS. You’re welcome.
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) (SNORT LAUGHING)
FALSTAFF: (OFF-MIC) Natalie!
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) I’m sorry! (QUIET GIGGLING)
FALSTAFF: (MUTTERING) Damn kid… I am deeply sorry about her. This was the only time I had available for this, so naturally it fell on the night my wife had plans.
Anyway, our game-plan is a little something I like to call: Operation Give Iced Bovine Secretion to That Son of a Bitch!
SFX 7: POWERPOINT SLIDE CLICK.
FALSTAFF: Operation GIBSTSOB is straightforward and simple: We are going to feed all of our troops IBS before they take the field. We believe that if we feed Orjelthurk enough of that sweet intestine-twisting treat, we can put a stop to his devouring and destroy him once and for all to bring ourselves into an age of victory.
FALSTAFF (CONT’D): However, IBS and troops are in short supply. We need you to send us all the recruits and iced cream you can spare. Coffee works the best. Mint is good too. Cherry Garcia is on thin ice, but we will accept it. For Conrad. If you have no IBS or people to spare, we do accept monetary donations. If you have no money to spare, I ask you to check again. We’re literally dying. Well, not me, but other people.
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) My friend Amanda with an I said her cousin’s dad got devoured by Orgelthrek.
FALSTAFF: That’s great, honeybun. Many of you have complained about fighting a losing battle, but we are here to inform you today that the battle can be won and IBS is the only solution. I know we can defeat this great evil, but Operation GIBSTSOB will only work with your monetary support. Please. This is Captain Adrienne Falstaff signing off.
NATALIE: (OFF-MIC) Can’t you give the ice cream to Orgelthrek without feeding him more people?
FALSTAFF: (OFF-MIC) Preventing people from dying ruins the whole point of war, pumpkin. You’ll understand when you’re older.
CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk. The credits are read by Matt Braman. The videography on our YouTube channel is done by David Portillo.
Twin Star Alliance is written by Briauna Kittle. General Falstaff is played by Ryan Jenkins, the announcer is played by Ricco Machado-Torres, Orgelthrek is played by Matt Braman, and Natalie is played by Kitt Keller. The music and sound effects are made by Cody Hazelle and Conrad Miszuk.
The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona, and usually performed live. If you’re going to be in town, check out NeverRad.com for future show information. Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/patreon.
Miscellaneous fact #3307 – Benjamin Franklin invented toaster strudel.