Secrets of the Midnight – Murder Consultations
Are your murders feeling a little stale? We can help.
Murder Consultations was written by Conrad Miszuk and featured the voices of Ryan Jenkins as the Host, Conrad Miszuk as Rosco and Detective Jean Louis Frunk, Kitt Keller as Terry and Tiff, and Briauna Kittle as Ashley, with Kitt Keller reading the stage directions.
MFX 1: Something like the stabbing music from Psycho.
HOST: We all love murder. There’s just nothing better to do on a weekend night than dress up in our most terrifying costume and walk the streets looking for our next victim. But have you ever wondered if maybe your killing has gotten, I don’t know, a little cliché? Take Rosco here.
ROSCO: When I was in high school, all the pretty blond girls used to make fun of me. So I started to kill pretty blond girls.
HOST: How basic.
ROSCO: But then I heard about Murder Consultations.
HOST: I’m Elgric Squish, head of Murder Consultations. I’ve got over 400 years of murder experience, and I’m here to help you hone your craft.
ROSCO: Thanks to Elgric and his services, I now have a costume that really strikes fear into the neighborhood kids. It’s this sick mask, and this weird jumpsuit. I still kill blonds, but now, instead of calling me a sad local pervert in the newspapers, they call me the Monster of Mudwater Springs. There’s even a couple of white ladies that podcast about me. That’s the kind of respect I deserve!
HOST: At Murder Consultations we take your ordinary, run-of-the-mill killers, slayers, and murderers and elevate their game to a new level of horror. The world doesn’t need another desperate loser killing to fill a weird void inside of them. The world needs legends. We take into account the style and individual… needs of each of our clients–
ROSCO: Like the color of gold. Not so precious now, are we?
HOST: –to create something ghoulish and memorable.
TERRY: I used to kill sex workers because they reminded me of my stepmom. Now I still do that—because I HAVE TO—but I do it with a cape and a mask. They call me the Phantom of Hooker Street. It’s actually named Hooker Street. It’s just a coincidence that that’s where some of them work. People will remember me. I’m already the focus of three podcasts.
ASHLEY: People didn’t take me seriously at first. They thought I was a man. Can you believe that? They said my murders were too messy and chaotic, and that didn’t fit the profile. Now they see me escaping from every scene wearing a black tutu and a swan mask. They still think I’m a divorced white male in his late thirties to early fifties who lives with his grandmother and also who likes to wear tutus, but at least they call me The Black Swan in the newspapers. And in the podcast. That is far more satisfying. It makes this whole murder thing worth it.
HOST: Let’s take a look at an example of what we do.
GRORLAK: Hi. I’m Grorlak. I’m an actual monster. There was a sciento-mystical accident involving a toad and a Karen that created me in the swamps not far from here. I’ve always wanted to be close to humanity, but instead I had to keep my distance. I kill to feel close to them.
HOST: Using our trademarked method, we identify Grorlak’s individual needs and reasons for killing. In this case to feel close to a humanity that has shunned him. But we also reduce the chaos and desperation of every attack, making them into a work of art.
GRORLAK: I used to just kill whomever and then just kind of hold them or something. Just to feel that warmth, even as it faded.
HOST: That is not hot. Tell us what’s hot, Grorlak.
GRORLAK: They outfitted me with these nice bandages to cover the horror of my existence. They gave me rules to follow. They helped me to plan my murders so they really send a message to a society that has shunned me. They also taught me about plating. Now when I leave a corpse behind for people to find, it’s positioned to really set the scene.
HOST: We even have some fans in law enforcement.
DETECTIVE: I’m Detective Jean-Louis Frunk. Look, I hate having to investigate a dead body. I wish murder wouldn’t happen. I think it’s a bad thing. Maybe that’s unusual. It’s just… Look, if I have to investigate it, I want it to be at least interesting. I get tired of coming face to face with the bland handiwork of sad weirdos. If people are going to kill, I want a little story. I want a little intrigue. I want to know that they really cared about what they were doing, and about me, the audience– I mean, the guy who has to figure out what happened and hopefully catch them. If you’re gonna kill, you might as well make it worthwhile for everyone involved you know?
TIFF: I’m a murder victim. Okay, I wasn’t quite killed, and the paramedics were able to save me, and just let me say how glad I am that the Butcher of Blobston consulted with Murder Consultations. There were lit candles, he took the time to dress me up and pose me at the dinner table. It was really fancy and made me just feel really cared-about, you know? I’m glad I didn’t die, but I take some comfort in knowing that if I did, it would have been worth podcasting about. I do a true crime podcast myself, so I know what I’m talking about here.
HOST: Don’t be a sad, pathetic, murderer of passion. Learn to premeditate, and make sure your murders are podcast worthy with Murder Consultations.