Secrets of the Midnight – Gay Water
Have you been looking to add something new to your beverage rotation?
Gay Water was written by Briauna Kittle and featured the voices of Fox Williams as Man 1 Briauna Kittle as Man 2, and Conrad Miszuk as the announcer, with music by Conrad Miszuk.
MAN 1: Hey man, long time no see! How have you been?
MAN 2: Oh, you know, same old same old. What about you? How’s the new job?
MAN 1: I mean, it’s a living I guess. Nothing special. What have you been doing for money these days?
MAN 2: Oh, a little freelance here and there.
MAN 1: Freelancing? Doing what?
MAN 2: A little modeling, a little poetry.
MAN 1: Poetry? Since when have you been into poetry?
MAN 2: It’s kind of a weird story.
MAN 1: And? Lay it on me!
MAN 2: So… I went grocery shopping and while I was at the store, I saw this new brand of water. It was in one of those cool glass bottles, you know I’m a sucker for glass bottles.
MAN 1: What does this have to do with poetry?
MAN 2: I’m getting there. Anyway, I drank it when I got home, and it tasted real good. It had some fruitiness to it, and I’ve never felt so hydrated in my life.
MAN 1: Weird, but alright.
MAN 2: That’s not even the weird part. When I woke up the next morning, I looked like this.
MAN 1: … Like you always do?
MAN 2: No, not like I always do. I’m like… hotter now. You really don’t see a difference?
MAN 1: Now that you mention it, it looks like you’ve been working out a little. And the hairstyle’s new, it looks good.
MAN 2: It’s not even styled! I woke up like this! I’ve been waking up like this! I have abs now! Look at this!
SFX 1: HEAVENLY CHOIR.
MAN 1: (BREATHLESS) Oh shit, you have abs now.
MAN 2: But that’s not all. I think I’m… into dudes now too?
MAN 1: You can’t be serious.
MAN 2: I mean it! Look, you know how I’ve been talking to that girl Marisa?
MAN 1: Oh yeah, how’s she doing?
MAN 2: I mean, not great now, I would assume. I kind of dumped her.
MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: For a waiter.
MAN 1: What??
MAN 2: I feel so bad about it, but whatever spark I had with Marisa is gone now!
MAN 1: A waiter??
MAN 2: I… asked him for his number while I was out with Marisa.
MAN 1: Oh my god, you asked in front of her?
MAN 2: No! I’m not a total asshole! I waited until she was in the bathroom. But I broke up with her that day, I swear.
MAN 1: Did that guy give you his number at least?
MAN 2: He did!
MAN 1: Wow. But wait, where does the poetry come in?
MAN 2: It sounds so stupid, but I… saw him, the waiter, on our first date, and I looked into his eyes and there was so much beauty in them. I saw a future in them. Everything I had experienced before that moment seemed like a waste when I looked into his eyes.
MAN 1: … Wow.
MAN 2: Yeah… It didn’t end up working out, but I took all those feelings and wrote everything out. Next thing I knew, I had a pretty decent poem. I showed it to a couple friends and they loved it, and I’ve made a pretty penny on my poems since. Literally. Someone gave me a really nice penny.
MAN 1: And it was the water that did this?
MAN 2: I don’t know what else it could be. Maybe you could drink some and we can find out.
MAN 1: No, that’s okay.
MAN 2: Why not? Maybe if you drink it, you’ll became a great actor or something.
MAN 1: What’s that supposed to mean?
MAN 2: I don’t know. I just think it would be good for you. You seem kind of down. Maybe it would do you some good. This is the best I’ve ever felt.
MAN 1: I’m perfectly fine. I don’t need some stupid water to make me good at poetry or be into dudes or whatever. I’m pretty set so far.
MAN 2: Why are you being so close-minded?
MAN 1: I’m not being close-minded! I’m already gay, I don’t need water to change me!
MAN 2: What?
MAN 1: I said—
MAN 2: No, I got that, just… wow. I can’t believe I never noticed.
MAN 1: Yeah, well, there’s a lot you don’t notice.
MAN 2: That’s not true. I noticed you.
MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: Why don’t we get out of here, huh?
MAN 1: Where would we go?
MAN 2: Anywhere you want.
MAN 1: I don’t think that’s a good idea. My new job…
MAN 2: Please? We’ve been friends for so long, and now that I’ve changed for the better, I… I want to be with you. Come with me.
MFX 1: GAY WATER ANTHEM STARTS.
MAN 1: … You know what? Fuck it. Let’s get out of here.
MAN 2: And we can grab some water for the road.
MAN 1: That sounds nice. What was it called anyway? The water that changed your life? Our life?
MAN 2: Gay Water.
MAN 1: Gay Water?
MAN 2: Gay Water.
MAN 1: Gay Water. Huh.
ANNOUNCER: Gay Water: now in a store near you.