Secrets of the Midnight – Gay Water

Have you been looking to add something new to your beverage rotation?
Gay Water was written by Briauna Kittle and featured the voices of Fox Williams as Man 1 Briauna Kittle as Man 2, and Conrad Miszuk as the announcer, with music by Conrad Miszuk.

MAN 1:    Hey man, long time no see! How have you been?

MAN 2:    Oh, you know, same old same old. What about you? How’s the new job?

MAN 1:    I mean, it’s a living I guess. Nothing special. What have you been doing for money these days?

MAN 2:    Oh, a little freelance here and there.

MAN 1:    Freelancing? Doing what?

MAN 2:    A little modeling, a little poetry.

MAN 1:    Poetry? Since when have you been into poetry?

MAN 2:    It’s kind of a weird story.

MAN 1:    And? Lay it on me!

MAN 2:    So… I went grocery shopping and while I was at the store, I saw this new brand of water. It was in one of those cool glass bottles, you know I’m a sucker for glass bottles.

MAN 1:    What does this have to do with poetry?

MAN 2:    I’m getting there. Anyway, I drank it when I got home, and it tasted real good. It had some fruitiness to it, and I’ve never felt so hydrated in my life.

MAN 1:    Weird, but alright.

MAN 2:    That’s not even the weird part. When I woke up the next morning, I looked like this.

MAN 1:    … Like you always do?

MAN 2:    No, not like I always do. I’m like… hotter now. You really don’t see a difference?

MAN 1:    Now that you mention it, it looks like you’ve been working out a little. And the hairstyle’s new, it looks good.

MAN 2:    It’s not even styled! I woke up like this! I’ve been waking up like this! I have abs now! Look at this! 


MAN 1:    (BREATHLESS) Oh shit, you have abs now.

MAN 2:    But that’s not all. I think I’m… into dudes now too?

MAN 1:    You can’t be serious.

MAN 2:    I mean it! Look, you know how I’ve been talking to that girl Marisa?

MAN 1:    Oh yeah, how’s she doing?

MAN 2:    I mean, not great now, I would assume. I kind of dumped her.

MAN 1:    What?

MAN 2:    For a waiter.

MAN 1:    What??

MAN 2:     I feel so bad about it, but whatever spark I had with Marisa is gone now!

MAN 1:    A waiter??

MAN 2:    I… asked him for his number while I was out with Marisa.

MAN 1:    Oh my god, you asked in front of her?

MAN 2:    No! I’m not a total asshole! I waited until she was in the bathroom. But I broke up with her that day, I swear.

MAN 1:    Did that guy give you his number at least?

MAN 2:    He did!

MAN 1:    Wow. But wait, where does the poetry come in?

MAN 2:    It sounds so stupid, but I… saw him, the waiter, on our first date, and I looked into his eyes and there was so much beauty in them. I saw a future in them. Everything I had experienced before that moment seemed like a waste when I looked into his eyes.

MAN 1:    … Wow.

MAN 2:    Yeah… It didn’t end up working out, but I took all those feelings and wrote everything out. Next thing I knew, I had a pretty decent poem. I showed it to a couple friends and they loved it, and I’ve made a pretty penny on my poems since. Literally. Someone gave me a really nice penny.

MAN 1:    And it was the water that did this?

MAN 2:    I don’t know what else it could be. Maybe you could drink some and we can find out.

MAN 1:    No, that’s okay.

MAN 2:    Why not? Maybe if you drink it, you’ll became a great actor or something.

MAN 1:    What’s that supposed to mean?

MAN 2:    I don’t know. I just think it would be good for you. You seem kind of down. Maybe it would do you some good. This is the best I’ve ever felt.

MAN 1:    I’m perfectly fine. I don’t need some stupid water to make me good at poetry or be into dudes or whatever. I’m pretty set so far.

MAN 2:    Why are you being so close-minded?

MAN 1:    I’m not being close-minded! I’m already gay, I don’t need water to change me!

MAN 2:    What?

MAN 1:    I said—

MAN 2:    No, I got that, just… wow. I can’t believe I never noticed.

MAN 1:     Yeah, well, there’s a lot you don’t notice.

MAN 2:    That’s not true. I noticed you.

MAN 1:    What?

MAN 2:    Why don’t we get out of here, huh?

MAN 1:    Where would we go?

MAN 2:    Anywhere you want.

MAN 1:    I don’t think that’s a good idea. My new job…

MAN 2:    Please? We’ve been friends for so long, and now that I’ve changed for the better, I… I want to be with you. Come with me.


MAN 1:    … You know what? Fuck it. Let’s get out of here.

MAN 2:    And we can grab some water for the road.

MAN 1:    That sounds nice. What was it called anyway? The water that changed your life? Our life?

MAN 2:    Gay Water.

MAN 1:    Gay Water?

MAN 2:    Gay Water.

MAN 1:    Gay Water. Huh.

ANNOUNCER:    Gay Water: now in a store near you.