Secrets of the Midnight – Fren with Boonifits
Ghost hunters Fren and Nova head to the haunted Sindri Space Station to “get to know” the local specters.
Fren with Boonifits was written by Briauna Kittle, featuring the voices of Ryan Jenkins as Fren, Briauna Kittle as Neva, and Kitt Keller as Skatch, with Fox Williams reading the stage directions.
MFX 1: Freaky haunted organ music
NARRATOR: Now at last the time has come for our final destination—one last venture into the empty depths of the uncaring void, where we may even yet encounter beings of indecipherable strangeness. Are you not chilled to the very bone, my blackbirds? Do your spines not tingle with the most elegant frisson of horror? I ask you, my friends, for the last time: are you prepared to once again take that most dangerous of leaps, to join me as we take our final echoing steps through the halls of the grotesque and the unearthly? Come waltz with me, my fluttering magpies, through the ballrooms of disquietude just once more, with a tale most frightful entitled simply: Fren with Boonifits.
[clears throat] Pardon me, could I get a glass of water? Yes, yes, thank you.
[a beat while he drinks]
Much better, thank you.
SCENE 6B: FREN WITH BOONIFITS SINDRI STORY #3
NEVA (pronounced NAY-vuh): BRIAUNA
STAGE DIRECTIONS: FOX
FREN: Alright, are we recording? Hey ghoulfrens! Welcome back to another Spooktacular episode of Fren with Boonifits! If this is your first time tuning in, smash that planchette, also known as the notification button and be sure to subscribe! Ouija’d love to have you join the Ghoulfren Frightsquad! My name is Fren Zauber, this is my partner Neva Londie–
FREN: — and this little cambot recording is ORAH, say hi ORAH!
SFX 1: ORAH BEEPS CUTELY (DO THE BEEPS THOUGH)
FREN: Ahhhh, so cute! Anyway, the three of us hunt ghosts, traveling to some of the most haunted places in the universe to see if 1) they’re actually haunted and 2) these ghosts are ready to do the boo and bone down with yours truly.
But Fren, you’re saying, you can’t bang a ghost. Au contraire! I… actually haven’t yet, but nothing can or will stop me from trying. It’s been a secret dream of mine for some time now and no amount of naysaying or factual evidence will hinder me from my quest!
NEVA: It’s true.
FREN: This week, we’re visiting the once-lively Epsilon 77A-Sindri mining station. Neva, would you like to spill the deets?
NEVA: Always. The Sindri mining station has been occupied twice here in the Thanatos Asteroid Cluster. The first was by the Phaeton-3 colony who, as all good ghost stories go,
NEVA AND FREN: Disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
FREN: Classic, love it, continue.
NEVA: All we really know about them is one day, they were here mining Dureen, a very strong metal, then the next, they were gone.
About a hundred years later, the Sindri station was re-occupied by employees of Werne/Vells Enterprises. Apparently, the Phaeton-3 colony also found a mineral called Xeromite which was supposed to help with long-term space travel.
FREN: I could definitely use some of that. Waking up from deep sleep is the worrrst!
NEVA: Like a hangover from hell.
NEVA: So Werne/Vells sets up camp, they start their mining operation, and some rumors start going around about mantis-like specters attacking the crew.
FREN: (GASPS) Ghost drop!
SFX 2: AIRHORN THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GHOST.
NEVA: Now, this is all rumor –
FREN: Of course.
NEVA: since everyone involved
NEVA AND FREN: died or disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
FREN: Funny how often that happens, btdubs.
NEVA: But rumor has it, the ghosts evolved, turning more and more humanoid over time. At some point, an explosion went off, rendering the station unusable, and no living being has been here since.
FREN: Until now! So, if everyone died or disappeared, how do you think these rumors got out?
NEVA: Probably a leak from Werne/Vells is my guess. They’d have some kind of record or report of the goings-on here.
FREN: (DISAPPOINTED) Aw, that makes sense.
NEVA: Why, what did you think it was?
FREN: Maybe one single person got away unaccounted for because they were possessed by one of the ghosts who ultimately saved them to survive and then told everyone they knew about it, but nobody believed them, AND they’re still possessed by that very same ghost to this very day.
NEVA: Yeah, that’s plausible.
FREN: Thank you. Before we start our exploration, where do you think this place lies on the Certified Ectogasm scale?
NEVA: Well, based on the rumors and the fact that this is unexplored territory since the big explosion that left no survivors, I’m gonna give it a 3 out of 5 ectos and a 1 out of 5 gasms.
FREN: So, medium haunted, not horny.
NEVA: I do not think these ghosts are horny.
FREN: Even after 100+ years of no mortal contact?
NEVA: When I think of mantis ghosts, I don’t think of horny.
FREN: Well, when I think of mantis ghosts, I get horny, so let’s get moving and find us some bootiful ghost booty. Would you like to tell the audience where we’re entering into?
NEVA: We’re starting with the Sindri station itself, going in through the blast left by the fatal explosion. Ghosts tend to stay behind where their traumatic death happened and there were a lot of traumatic deaths that day.
FREN: Neva, how do you think you’ll die?
NEVA: I won’t.
FREN: Oh! How do you think I’ll die?
NEVA: Ghost hunting.
FREN: Oh my space god, and then I can spend my eternal unrest with friends! ORAH, switch to daylight mode please.
SFX 3: LIGHTSWITCH.
FREN: Oh wow, there’s a lot of debris in here, huh? I mean, to be expected, but wow, this place is destroyed destroyed. Neva, are you picking up on any spectral energy?
NEVA: Not at the moment, no. We might have to go deeper in.
FREN: Oh my god, you’re so funny.
NEVA: Thank you.
FREN: It’s just more bodies and rubble, ugh, boring. I’m getting spooky vibes from here for sure, but that’s about it. No hair standing up, no feelings of being watched. Except by all my ghoulfrens, of course! I love you all so much, I really couldn’t be here without your support, or the support of this week’s sponsor, Murder Consultations. We wouldn’t have enough ghosts or true crime podcasts in the world without their expert services. They’re who you call!
Did you find anything Neva?
NEVA: Oh, for sure, she’s an idiot, but that’s what I love about her, you know?
FREN: Are you talking to a ghost right now?
NEVA: Yeah, their name’s—
FREN: And you didn’t tell me???
NEVA: Their name’s Skatch.
FREN: Oh em ghost, a real ghost!! But wait, you’re… a person.
SKATCH: … Yeah?
FREN: Weren’t there supposed to be mantis ghosts? With the long scythe hands? Bug eyes? Desperate to love and be loved in return?
SKATCH: Oh, those guys! Yeah, that was before my time. It’s always been people-ghosts since I’ve been here.
FREN: But… that’s so… boring.
SKATCH: Now hold on, I take offense to that.
FREN: I wanted my first time to really mean something, you know?
SKATCH: First time? Like a–
NEVA: Her first time with a ghost.
SKATCH: Wait, what?
NEVA: She’s got a thing for ghosts.
SKATCH: And you encourage this?
NEVA: It makes her happy.
FREN: I guess I could, but it won’t be the same. You said your name was Skatch, right?
FREN: Would you like to do me the honor of being my first bangin’ boo?
SKATCH: … Look, you seem nice and all, but we just met and I don’t think I’m ready for all that right now.
FREN: Are there… any other ghosts around who might be interested?
SKATCH: Nah, they’re all hibernating for the moment. Xeromite can only sustain ghostlife for so long, so we all take shifts. I’m on for the month. It’s pretty boring honestly, but there’s a projector that’s still functional up in Rec Deck. You ever seen Sashaying with Celebrities?
FREN: I’ve heard of it, but I haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. I heard it’s terrible.
SKATCH: It is. I’m all caught up. We can watch it if you want.
FREN: You know what, I’ve actually got a thing, but uh… It was nice to meet you, Skatch.
FREN: Well, that was… disappointing.
NEVA: I thought they were alright.
FREN: Not really my type though.
NEVA: What is your type?
FREN: You know, like spooky. Spectral. Tender but sexy about it.
NEVA: Too bad there’s nothing like that here.
FREN: You said you were never going to die.
NEVA: I’m not.
FREN: See? Enough flirting, I have to sign off. So that was the Sindri mining station. Mostly exploded, not my favorite place we’ve been, but it definitely has ghosts and they definitely aren’t horny. I’m sticking with 3 out of 5 ectos, mostly due to the fact that there are ghosts although haunted seems to be debatable. The scariest thing about this place is the fact that someone is still watching Sashaying with Celebrities in this spacetime. 0 out of 5 gasms, of course, due to the lack of horniness.
SFX 4: A “WAH WAH WAH” SOUND BUT GHOST VOICE.
FREN: There’s gotta be at least one horny ghost out there. Like statistically or whatever.
NEVA: Oh, for sure.
FREN: We’ll see how we do next week, I guess. In the meantime, keep it spooky and keep it tight, and we’ll see you next time! Boo-ces!