Secrets of the Midnight – CryoCrate
A hot new subscription box that you won’t find on any other podcast!
CryoCrate was written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voice of Briauna Kittle as Jorsh.
JORSH: Hey there, bromigos. Jorsh, here. I want to talk to you today about a totally rad product that I definitely use myself—no, no, no, no, no, don’t fast forward! This is the legitest of the legit.
We all got hobbies, right? But I don’t know about you, but lately, I’ve been completely un-stoked with my stamp collection. It used to totally rock my boat if I got ahold of a penny black or an inverted Jenny, but lately? It’s like the sight of a 15¢ Abraham Lincoln stamp from 1867 doesn’t even affect me. I needed to find something new. That’s where CryoCrate comes in. In 2016, World Cryonics of Omaha went out of business and their entire inventory was bought out by Of-The-Month Incorporated, the world’s 3rd largest subscription box management company. They developed CryoCrate, a subscription box unlike any other, except inasmuch as they send you a box in the mail once a month containing a specific item or selection of items based around a set theme and you pay them for it. But CryoCrate is the first subscription box of its kind. Once a month, you’ll get sent a crate containing two or more pieces of frozen dead guy—or gal!—to add to your collection. Each body part comes complete with the decedent’s name, age at time of freezing, and their ridiculous reason for trying cryogenics. Right now, my display case contains the left ring finger of Hamish from Saskatchewan, 57, who wanted to see flying cars and advanced space travel in the 23rd century. I’ve also got the kneecap of Blanche from Grand Rapids, 89, who was hoping that by the year 2035 science would have figured out a cure for all human ailments; the hard palate of Alex from Provo, 38, who lost a bet; the optic nerve of Tiffany M. from Gilbert, 29, who won a bet; and the head of Greg from Tallahassee, 26, who was just a very dedicated fan of Futurama. I’m telling you, listeners: CryoCrate is totally worth it. Each new part comes with a fully insulated display fridge, complete with customizable RGB lighting AND a printed label. And the specimens look just amazing. Whenever I have my DnDnD group over, everybody tells me that my BILLY bookshelves are looking cooler and more ominous than ever. You can choose from different subscription options too: “Assorted Offal” for $49.99/mo plus shipping and handling, “Skin and Bones” for $59.99/mo plus shipping and handling, or “Just Faces” for just $89.99/mo plus shipping and handling! And of course you’re getting a discount code from yours truly, ya boi Jorsh! Sign up now using code PEN 15 for 15% your first three CryoCrates. It’s a phenomenal deal. Just ask my new friend Yorick, here!
(puts on silly ‘skull voice’)
You could be enjoying my kind of infinite jest from the comfort of your own walk-in freezer as soon as the 15th of next month! [/silly voice] Aw, thanks, buddy. So seriously, listeners. Take it from this disillusioned philatelist: check out CryoCrate.com and sign up. You will totally thank me. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming! Woo woo!
(silly voice again)