Iron Tyrant Part One
SFX 1: Intense music sting (think Who Wants to Be a Millionaire)
LEPTON: Welcome back to Iron Tyrant, the show where we take planets full of hopeless, pitiful beings and match them with the celebrity tyrants that will whip them into shape.
Planet Norx C from episode 33 is now happily under the domination of Count Randinoid Casterblatch, who was ejected from the planet Azzisp for being brutal, and also for some financial mistakes involving short selling gamespace. Once a peaceful herbivorous people, the Norxians have been taught the ways of the carnivore, even if they have to conquer their enemies to find meat on this planet populated only by sapient lifeforms. The People of Grand Rapids C have been living happily under the iron fist of Duke Evits Rabdoog, who was evicted from the planet Hoodge for excessive executions, and a raging Crimson Reth addiction. Their population has dwindled to three percent of what it was, but at least the STRONGEST three percent remain.
We’ve spent the last fifty-six episodes installing dictatorships on otherwise loser-filled planets just dying for the leadership of a strong, if sometimes eccentric, new daddy, and now it all comes down to this, the season finale.
This week, we have a special surprise for you… On Planet Fleeve.
SFX: Transition music
BEENS: Hi, I’m Planetary Comptroller Pippledon Beens, the highest elected official on Fleeve. The scribes and high priests predicted that we would be having… well, it was supposed to be the end of the world last Tuesday. We had a big party, there were some drunken mistakes, we spent a lot of money, and long story short, we don’t have the budget to actually keep the planet going. Not to mention, we’re pretty sure that Gosh should have ended everything and scooped us up to Herben. On account of the tight position we’re in, we really just need to bring about the end times in a hurry. It’s gonna be winter soon, and we already ate all of the food, and drank all of the drinks and well… It’s better to go out with a bang than a whimper right? At least that’s what we thought on Tuesday.
LEPTON: Hi, I’m Lepton Brown, host of Iron Tyrant. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s when weak, pathetic, naughty planets don’t have the dominant leadership they need to thrive. The Fleevians have requested NOT an overlord to dominate and lead, but an overlord who will destroy the planet and bring about their predicted end-times… tonight on Iron Tyrant.
SFX: Musical Sting.
LEPTON: We’ve brought together three of the Universe’s most criminal, most heinous, most insane scientific giants to offer the Fleevians three potential end-times scenarios. Dr. Malmo Zarathustra.
MALMO: I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to destroy them.
LEPTON: Professor Quantus (ver-BLAN-skə-vitch) Verblanskowicz.
QUANTUS: SMASH! SMASH!
LEPTON: And Gandra.
GANDRA: I want energy, I want electricity, I want rays, I want radiation! All that and a space bag of flavor dusted soy lentil flakes. Honk
LEPTON: Our competitors will compete to bring the Fleevians the apocalypse they deserve! Let’s get to know our doomtestants.
MFX: Transition cue.
LEPTON: First up with their vision for the Fleevian End of Days is cataclysm expert Malmo Zarathustra.
MALMO: H-Hello, yes, hello. Um…wow, I’m not really sure what to say here, um…I’m Malmo Zarathustra, Dark Ruler of the Ultimate Abysssssss and employee of the month at the Twin Suns Mall K-Mart. I’m from New Ganymede and I received my BA in Evil with a minor in Theater from Arizona State University. Since then, I’ve been working as a private overlord for clients in the Kuiper Belt. And, of course, still plugging away at my day job at the K-Mart. Gotta stick to that hustle!
I guess you could say I’m really here on Iron Tyrant for my family. They’re the ones who encouraged me to try out; I, I didn’t think I was really Iron Tyrant material, but they convinced me to send in an application and here I am. It’s like a dream come true! Winning this would be literally life-changing. For everyone involved, really, although I guess ‘life-ending’ might be more accurate for the Fleevians. [cheerfully nervous evil laugh] I’m so nervous; I just hope they like what I’ve come up with.
MALMO: Hello, I’m Dr. Malmo Zarathustra; I’m delighted to be here today.
BEENS: Welcome to the planet. Now, Malmo—
BEENS: Dr. Zarathustra. What do you have for us today?
MALMO: Well, as you can see here on my vision board, I’ve got something really spectacular cooked up for the good beings of Fleeve.
SFX 1: A large sheet of paper is turned over.
BEENS: Looks interesting. Tell us about it.
MALMO: As you can see here—do you mind if I use my laser pointer?
BEENS: Not at all.
MALMO: Right. Well, as you can see here—
SFX 2: Laser blast
MALMO: The initial set up will involve a little bit of investment, but there is potentially enormous ROI.
BEENS: Go on.
MALMO: Now, I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Trivinian mega drills. Trivinian is a top of the line mining equipment company, and the mega drill is their most powerful product.
BEENS: I see.
MALMO: What I’m planning on is gathering a fleet of mega drills—at least 9, possibly as many as 15—and placing them strategically around the planet on fault lines and such. Now, once placed, we can begin the two-phase drilling process: during the first phase we place the fireworks in a variety of pre-planned areas, during the second, we actually penetrate down into the planet’s mantle, releasing magma into the various fireworks cachés. Timed correctly, the magma will make contact with a series of firework cachés in a specific, choreographed order, sending the planet into oblivion via a combination of erupting lava and spectacular fireworks display.
BEENS: What’s that in the corner there?
MALMO: Ah, yes; the music. So the entire celebration will be set to a score of John Philip Sousa marches—until the last 15 minutes, which will, of course, be set to the 1812 Overture; that’s traditional.
BEENS: Of course.
MALMO: Of course. And the final explosion will hit right at that bit with the cannon.
BEENS: Ooh! Well, it sounds delightful.
MALMO: Thanks. Beings will be able to listen along on their personal ear transmitters. I’m really thinking of this not just as an Apocalypse, but as a real celebration of death. And, you know, everybody likes fireworks.
BEENS: Oooh, I do love fireworks. And marching bands!
MALMO: There will be a live marching band included in the explosion.
BEENS: Now, I do have a few questions.
MALMO: Of course, of course. Let me know how I can best put your minds at ease.
BEENS: What kind of environmental concerns are there with your scheme?
MALMO: Ah, excellent question. The environment will of course be entirely destroyed.
BEENS: That answers that! Thank you so much for your presentation Malm—
BEENS: Dr. Zarathustra.
MFX: Talking head interview chord.
MALMO: Well, obviously I’m delighted that they liked my pitch and I can’t wait to get started.
What’s that? No, no, I’m really more of a doctor in theory. I…I’m looking into it. It’s on the list, you know what I’m saying? Anyway, like I said, I’m really pleased that the Fleevians are on board. I think I’ve really come up with something special here.
MFX: Transition cue
LEPTON: Next to share their plans is Professor Quantus Verblanskowicz. Professor Verblanskowicz was once a mild mannered professor specializing in Destruction Studies at the University of Central Londondondon. One day, he was crushed under a large rock in his laboratory. A lab assistant injected him with an experimental de-destruction serum he had been working on, which un-smashed his body, giving him incredible strength, if a somewhat limited vocabulary.
After smashing the rock that had smashed him, Quantus smashed the University of Central Londondondon with his enormous bare hands. The spectacle was so amazing, he amassed many followers, amplified their abilities through de-destruction science, and eventually led them to smash most of the planet of Central Londondondon. He has been imprisoned seventeen times, but was able to smash his way out of incarceration every time. Let’s check in on him as he explains his plan to Comptroller Beens.
QUANTUS: Smash. Smash, smash smash smash smash.
BEENS: Right, with the pulley system and the large… smashey thing.
QUANTUS: Smash. Smash smash smash. Wooo! Smash smash, kadoosh.
BEENS: And it’s going to crack the planet in half? That’ll wipe everything out?
QUANTUS: Big smash. Smash crash smash smash smash.
LEPTON: The big pillar will be thrust into the planet at the planet’s resonant frequency. This will increase its impact with every swing.
BEENS: I do like the sound of that. Will it be quick and painless?
QUANTUS: Smash smash. Kablaaaaaaa.
BEENS: We shall prepare ourselves then to avoid any discomfort. Now, is this the machine here? The one that will do it?
QUANTUS: Smash smash. Smash smash smash bwaaaa.
BEENS: How much bigger will the real thing be?
QUANTUS: SMASH. Big Smash.
BEENS: Well, you have my people at your disposal.
LEPTON: Are you certain you’ll be able to find all of the materials you’ll need, Professor Verblanskowicz?
QUANTUS: Smash. Big Smash.
LEPTON: I’m just a little concerned that you’re not going to find all of the necessary materials.
LEPTON: Don’t forget that… “things don’t always go to plan on Iron Tyrant.”
LEPTON: Then you’d better get the people to start mining. That’s a lot of iron you’re going to need. On Iron Tyrant.
LEPTON: Okay. I’ll trust you on this one. Let’s see where this goes.
SFX: Interview transition.
QUANTUS: Smash. Smash smash. Kabooom, smash. Smash smash smash. Smash, smash smash. Boom. Big smash. Smash smash smash smash smash. Kadoosh. Smash. Smash smash smash. Boom boom bap bap gat. . Skoosh kazhaaa kashaka boom blast. Smash smash smash smash smash smash smash smash; smash smash. SMOOSH. AKAKAKAKAKAKAKA Ka-PEW. WHAM! Smack-slap Ka-bow! Smash boom smash smash smash smash smash smash blam. Shakalaka. Big smash.
LEPTON: Right. Well, good luck with all that. Finally, we’ve got doomtestant Gandra.
GANDRA: Hello. Honk.
LEPTON: Welcome, Gandra.
BEENS: Yes, hello and welcome to the last days of Fleeve!
LEPTON: Gandra is an up-and-coming dark super-mutant from the Cygnus system.
BEENS: She looks like a goose.
LEPTON: Yeah, it’s called ‘convergent evolution.’
BEENS: So what do you have planned for Fleeve, Gandra? What do you have ‘cooking’ so to speak? I’m so excited to hear about what you’ve come up with!
GANDRA: [extremely ominously] Oh, you want to see it coming?
GANDRA: Are you certain? Isn’t it all the more delicious not knowing what’s to come? Waiting all alone, knowing the end is right around the corner, maybe rummaging in your garden, but not knowing where or when or how you’ll finally be introduced to oblivion? Feeling your own heart as it starts to beat harder and harder, not sure whether this will be the last time your blood makes its circuit around your body? Are you sure you want to know, Comptroller Beens? Doesn’t that ruin the fun?
MFX: Talking heads music cue.
GANDRA: [suddenly very energetic and enthusiastic] If I had to describe my style, I’d call myself more of a maverick. You know, I, I, I don’t hold to this old fashioned idea that destruction should be somehow clear cut and organized and wearing a nice uniform—the identical soldiers with their vision-obscuring helmets, the precise haircuts, the conformity; it’s just not for me, darling. Destruction is something that should be untamed; it should be free to spread as it pleases. There are four horsemen; let them ride wild as nature intended.
I mean, it’s chaos; I’m chaos, darling. I just like to see where the journey takes me. The old way of doing things is so bound to hierarchy and uniformity, and I just…I can’t, I can’t, I can’t limit myself that way. It wouldn’t be fair to my victims. I’m not a fascist, darling, I’m an innovator. I’m an artist.
MFX: Transition cue
LEPTON: We’ll be right back after these messages.
MFX: Go to commercial cue