Hot Pod Part 6
Drama is brewing among the Podtestants, and we hear from some more of our lovely (fake) advertisers.
HOT POD PART SIX
MFX: Back from commercials cue
HOSTBEING: Welcome back to HotPod. The podtestants…and, uh, the producers…have just found out that fan-favorite Jahn Smythe isn’t who he appears to be.
MFX: Confessionals music cue
NERF: Hello, this is Jahn Smythe, perfectly normal human. Everyone likes me, and that is great. I like when people like me, for I am a normal human with normal feelings.
It has been suggested that I am not Jahn Smythe, but instead I am captain Nerf who is hiding inside of the discarded husk of Jahn Smythe, who is in fact a horrible monster of some sort. This is ridiculous. Captain Nerf would not fit so easily and seamlessly inside of Jahn Smythe’s discarded husk. He was a small man, but he was so full of ice cream.
No, it seems as though Captain Nerfleton Hedley no longer exists, and we should not look any further into that. He stopped existing in the usual way where he just disappeared without a trace. Perhaps his lack of ice cream is what did him in. The lack of the rest of the food as well. It was not a funny joke, according to I, Jahn Smythe, a human that everyone likes that Cthad ate all of the food. I do not feel pranked. I just feel well-liked by everyone without having to do anything. Everything is perfect.
There is now an eldritch horror on board that is claiming to be Jahn Smythe, but let me ask you this: Who looks more like Jahn Smythe? The horror monster or me, your pal and well-liked person Jahn Smythe who definitely is not responsible for crashing the Hot Yacht into Alpha Phallus, the sex star. He is definitely not riddled with guilt for not saving hundreds of lives, and he definitely did not throw donuts at the steering controls as a sort of game to play alone in his underwear. He also feels no guilt for running to hide instead of steering the ship a few degrees to avoid any and all problems.
Nerf is gone. Nerf is nothing.
I do find this horror abomination to be quite friendly and personable, but as human Jahn Smythe who definitely answers to Jahn when addressed without hesitation, I am leery of monster abominations, even if all they want is love. Captain Nerf Hedley may have shown interest in sleeping with this monster, but I, Jahn Smythe, am repulsed by things that are not normal or not well liked.
But I am also well-liked and compassionate Jahn Smythe who takes care of others, so I will show this monster the necessary compassion. It is easier than doing nothing at all, which is why I will do it.
I am concerned about our future. We are out of food and the production company will not save us until we have made seventeen more episodes. I am afraid we will not last that long.
Perhaps it would be smart for me to cut my losses and sever this space suit from its tether. The space ship has too many problems. Throwing this blade at the tether is easier than getting a donut to land perfectly on the steering stick, a fun game for humans that should not leave them feeling so guilty.
MFX: End Confessionals music cue.
HOSTBEING: Next week, on HotPod, everyone has crammed into the confessional booth space suit and they are now floating into deep space in violation of their contracts with the Centauri Broadcasting System. But luckily, the productionbots are still recording…
NERF: Oh, God, what the hell am I stepping in?
CTHAD: BOOM! PRANKED! What up, Bromigos!
JAHN: What a humorous amusement, C’Thad. Also, I am so pleased to see you once again.
NERF and JAHN: Yes?
NERF: Where did you all COME FROM?
CONTESSA: That’s it! No more oxygen for you, Capt. Hedley—
NERF: Jahn Smythe!
CONTESSA: You’re no Jahn Smythe, believe me, and nobody’s fooled by that skin suit, Nerfleton Hedley!
CTHAD: You know what? I don’t think you’re being a good friend right now.
CONTESSA: I didn’t come here to make friends!
HOSTBEING: All that, and more, when we return next week for another episode of Hot Yacht. I mean HotPod. I mean Hot… Suit, I guess? Just, tune in, okay?
MFX: End credits music
CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you, listeners who have a few things in common with you, and listeners who are completely unlike you in every way. Become a subscription donor and get delicious bonus benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.
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HotPod was written by Matthew Braman, Conrad Miszuk, Briauna Kittle, and Kitt Keller, featuring the voices of Fox Williams as Hostbeing Serif Kerning, Matt Braman as C’Thad, Conrad Miszuk as Captain Nerf Hedley, Briauna Kittle as Jahn Smythe, and Kitt Keller as the Contessa, with Ryan Jenkins reading the stage directions.
Ads for Luxville were written by Conrad Miszuk, featuring the voice of Conrad Miszuk as Gary Name and Kitt Keller reading stage directions.
Ads for Kalaxsia were written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voice of Fox Williams Kalaxsia HOA Panopticon board.
Ads for Drosera were written by Briauna Kittle and featured the voice of Ryan Jenkins as the Drosera spokesbeing.
Ads for cutting edge space medications Qierkegaardizine, Portavermis, and Suspenza were written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voices of Fox Williams as the narrator, Ryan Jenkins as the spokesbeing and kitt reading stage directions for Qierkegaardizine; Matt Braman as celebrity chef and food advocate Braxton Roo, Fox Williams as the Narrator, Ryan Jenkins as the Kitchen Peon, and Kitt Keller reading stage directions for Portavermis; and Ryan Jenkins as the Narrator, Conrad Miszuk, Matt Braman, and Fox Williams as the Captains, Briauna Kittle as the side effects, and Kitt Keller reading the stage directions for Suspenza.
The ad for innovative pharmaceutical Complyatol was written by Matt Braman and featured the voice of Ryan Jenkins as the Spokesbeing, Conrad Miszuk as the Captain, Matt as Frab, and Fox Williams as the Disclaimador.
The ad for LavendarTown was written by Matthew Braman and featured the voice of Ryan Jenkins as the lone survivor.
The ad for Lazer Joe’s Bread n’ Bunker was written by Matt Braman, featuring the voice of Matt Braman as Lazer Joe.
Space PD promos were written by Matthew Braman, and featured the voices of Matt Braman as the Announcer, Ryan Jenkins as Higgs, Fox Williams as Bozon, and Briauna Kittle as Det. LaFemme. Sound effects for Printerson and Chromes created by Matt Braman and performed by Conrad Miszuk.
Miscellanists in the field may report their strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s (224)225-5723.
The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Everybody Except Conrad, but mostly Matthew Braman, with credits read by Kitt Keller.
The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcriptions. Videos of the live performances and past streams are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Current and future streams are at NeverRad.com/twitch. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, tell your friends, family, and strangers on the bus about the show, and connect with us on social media facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.
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What are your four favorite numbers? Uh, and your mother’s maiden name? And the street you grew up on? Just curious; no reason. Tell us in the comments!
Miscellaneous fact #6144 – It’s not that gingers have no soul. It’s that we all share one big, dark, twisted soul.