Hot Pod Part 5
Drama is brewing among the Podtestants, and we hear from some more of our lovely (fake) advertisers.
MFX: Back from commercials cue
HOSTBEING: Welcome back to the HotPod, the sexiest escape pod this side of the Kuiper Belt. The podtestants have been figuring out how to make it through their new existence as shipmates on the B-deck escape pod 6 following the tragic ratings-bonanza—I mean, catastrophe, that destroyed the HotYacht luxury space palace Sean Bean in a glorious fireball 3 weeks ago. But with all the food and supplies gone, how are they getting on?
MFX: Confessionals music cue
NERF: [muffled sobbing]
MFX: End Confessionals music cue
JAHN: Hello there! I am The Nameless One, but you all knew me as Jahn Smythe. I’m sorry I lied to you but living as an abomination from outer space is not as fun as it sounds. I always knew I was different from the other abominations because I wanted to be friends with lifeforms, not a symbol of the unfeeling universe and the horror of how terribly mortal humanity is. But whenever anybody saw me, all they saw was infinity stretching out before them and the hopelessness of existence, which I guess is what I really am, but they never could accept me. I can’t help the way I was born. I became Jahn Smythe to build trust, to make sure I felt safe with everyone before I shed my skin.
I think my shedding went well. I had to ask The Contessa to turn the oxygen on so everyone could be conscious for this moment. I gathered everyone except C’Thad (he was still missing) and I… I just did it. Being free of that human skin was so… well, like my true form, I can’t think of the words to describe it, but I oozed out of the facial orifices just like I planned until the shell was empty and only I, The Nameless One, remained. Nobody went mad or anything!
The Contessa seemed uncaring as she is wont to do, and The Captain took my skin suit as his own. It was a little hurtful, seeing him cling to the body I once inhabited, but anything is better than watching the mortal brain dissolve quite literally out of its earholes.
And then, C’Thad showed up saying he had eaten all the food and did his “Boom! Catchphrase!” sound. It was a very funny prank. The Captain did the sad excremental action, but he also made the amused sounds. C’Thad always knows how to make everyone feel better. I want to be like him when I reach my molting period.
Thank you for having me on this show Hot Pod. I am very glad even someone like me, The Nameless One, can experience joy before the final destruction of the universe.
MFX: Confessionals music cue
NERF: [continued muffled sobbing]
MFX: Confessionals music cue
CONTESSA: HONESTLY. This is becoming even more intolerable than one of Lord Kelvin’s holiday balls. Everything is such a bore and the rabble will not stop blathering on about it. “Ooh, Chathad ate all the food and we’re going to starve to death before the production ship gets here” “Ooh, the captain has locked himself in the bathroom with 6 empty tubs of iced cream and nobody can excrete” “Oh, Mr. Smythe is actually a horrific nightmare being from the nether realms disguising himself as a sick parody of human life”. Stop whinging you pathetic bags of flesh. Keep calm and carry on. Where is the indomitable spirit that drove humanity to colonize the stars? Where is the drive?
Let me tell you a secret: when the complaining gets to be too much, I just turn off the oxygen for a little bit so I can get some peace and quiet. It’s a little trick my grandmother taught me—used to use it on the servants. I never thought I’d get the chance to try it out myself because of course everyone’s using android labor these days and cutting off their oxygen actually keeps them in better working order because of the rust or something. The other evening, while Chathad and Capt. Hedley were having one of their shouting duels about the Facilities, Grandmama’s voice just popped into my head and I knew exactly what to do. Mr. Smythe wasn’t affected at all, either, which was a delightful bonus and we had another wonderful chat over holo-tea. Of course, without my body I can’t actually indulge in afternoon tea properly, but one must keep up standards, what!
HOSTBEING: We’ll be right back with more HotPod. But first, it’s time for a message from our sponsors.
Colony – Luxville #4
GARY: Laser Joe doesn’t want you to know where his guns come from. They’re illegally sourced through black market contacts. Laser Joe doesn’t care who gets hurt, so long as he can have his dangerous irresponsible weapons. Here in Luxville, our guns are certified fair trade and cruelty free and DO NOT COME FROM THE INTERGALACTIC BLACK MARKET. You can trust me on that. When we’re shooting at dead gangsters in space, you can rest easily knowing that the guns did not come from those dead gangsters or their rivals.
And we need to talk about Drosera, okay. I’m pretty sure, and just hear me out here, that allegedly those plant people are just going to fucking eat you. Have you ever heard of anyone coming back from there? Their reviews seems super fake. “I love Drosera” “I had a great time” “Can’t wait to go back”? Paid shills if you ask me. And you can trust me, I don’t have any reviews because I have not yet had a single visitor. No reviews means no negative reviews. And I will bend over backward to please. Except not literally. The back doesn’t bend like it used to.
And I think we can all admit that we enjoy being watched. If not I can definitely plug up the peephole in your living space. I just want you to be comfortable here. But who wants to be watched by an HOA, you know? They’re just gonna tell you you can’t shoot guns or whatever. I would never tell you that. I want you to shoot your guns. I want you to shoot my guns. There’s lots of debris and some of it might hit the station if we don’t shoot at it. And let’s just say for the sake of argument that you’ve got a raging Calaxia problem. We’ve all been there, you know. You try it at a party and you think wow this is better than everything else I do with my time. Well, we DEFINITELY DO NOT get any of it through the station as a result of the black market drug trade. We DO NOT. Allegedly. So if you want to sweeten up your teeth, just keep that in mind.
And I just want to make my residents happy, so I want you to know that I just got a motorcycle. We all get to use it. Most of the hallways are tall enough to ride it. The air filters have to do some extra work, but it’s really cool!
Just come hang out with Gary! Gary’s your guy!
SPACE MEDS – SUSPENZA
MFX 1: Generic sad music, so we know this is a serious illness and we should feel sad about it.
SPOKESBEING: If you’re one of the millions of beings who suffer from xenomeningial superfluity (ZEEN-oh-men-IN-gee-ul), also known as Su-Flu, you’re not alone…
CAPTAIN 1: While exploring an uncharted zone north of Alpha Centauri, my ship was trapped in a cloud of de-natured graviton particles. When I headed out in a spacesuit to try and clear off the hull, I ended up getting a full face of the stuff due to a materials flaw in my helmet. A few weeks later, I started showing the symptoms.
CAPTAIN 2: During a routine away mission, myself and my away team were attacked by venomous Martian were-bats. My entire team of brand new ensigns was killed except for me, and when I got back to the ship, I found out: Su-Flu. I thought my life was over.
CAPTAIN 3: Yeah, I boned an alien.
CAPTAIN 1: At first, I was embarrassed…
CAPTAIN 2: I felt like I didn’t have anywhere to turn…like I was doomed to go through life constantly dealing with recurring outbreaks.
CAPTAIN 3: [shrugging] Yolo, brah.
MFX: The music changes from sad to hopeful. That’s right, Music—we’ve reached the turning point of this commercial. You tell ‘em!
SPOKESBEING: You’re not alone, and now, you don’t have to worry anymore.
CAPTAIN 1: No more beard worms.
CAPTAIN 2: No more tooth rash.
CAPTAIN 3: No more awkward conversations with your chief medical officer like they’re so perfect; EAT SHIT, KARL!
SPOKESBEING: You don’t have to worry, because now, there’s Suspenza. Suspenza is an annual injection that works to heal and prevent outbreaks of Su-Flu by defibrillating the nasolabial capillaries that Su-Flu hides in, curing the infection before it erupts into violent green pustules all over your most attractive physical feature, whatever that may be. Patients taking Suspenza reported a significant reduction in symptoms over a 6 month period, with over 90% of all patients completely asymptomatic after 2 years.
CAPTAIN 1: Suspenza has given my life back.
SIDE EFFECTS: Do not take Suspenza if you are allergic or biologically incompatible with Suspenza or any of its ingredients. Do not drive or operate robotic exoskeletons while taking Suspenza. Some patients taking Suspenza reported experiencing side effects. Side effects may include nausea, drowsiness, new or worsening space madness, the sniffles, boneitis, loss of appetite, rapid nail growth, more nausea, mood swings, and early-onset reincarnation. If you experience any of these side effects, call your chief medical officer immediately.
SPOKESBEING: Ask your doctor about Suspenza today!
CAPTAIN 1: I’m so glad I did.
CAPTAIN 2: And you’ll be glad too.
CAPTAIN 3: Ready to go make another first contact. You, uh, you know what I mean? First contact. Yeah.
Colony – Kalaxsia #3
MFX: Radical music, bro!
SPOKESBEING: So life’s got you down. You’re tired of being constantly surrounded by swampy, damp conditions and having your view obstructed by a bunch of overgrown jungle weeds; tired of your weirdly invasive mayor who’s way too interested in the number of feet you and your fellow citizens have; just over the smell of baking bread and laser ammo. There are plenty of adventure parks in the Outer Galactic Zone, but none of them can compare to Castles ’n’ Coasters Kalaxsia.
CNC Kalaxsia offers a primo theme park experience that’s sure to please the whole family with over 3 attractions and an icee station, all set against the backdrop of a beautiful desert planet. And for Mom and Dad, the Kalaxsia Motel Pi offers a chance to relax with drinkable water and food rehydrators available in every sleeping pod. Kalaxsia offers all the fun and heatstroke you can handle– you’ll never want or be able to leave–plus peace, quiet, and an incomparable climate. Remember—on Kalaxsia, it’s a dry heat.
Further information is available from the Kalaxsia HOA Panopticon governing board.
SPACE PD PROMO 3:
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned tonight after Hot Pod for an episode of Space PD with so many twists and turns you’ll need a chiropractor.
LAFEMME: Funny story, Chief Printerson. Turns out Jimmy Goomblatz did not kidnap my god-podling, she was just under a laundry basket.
HIGGS: I’m sorry, Detective Chromes, I lied. It’s not your baby. I just had a big lunch.
BOZON: Hey, Chief. I was here late last night watching dirty pict- washing dirty dishes when I caught this roomba downloading our super secret documents. You want I should rough ‘im up?
ANNOUNCER: You won’t want to miss a single split second, so tape your eyelids open and keep the Visine flowing. Space PD: Crime Squad Division. Coming up at some point after Hot Pod probably.