Hot Pod Part 2
We hear more from the Podtestants and our lovely sponsors.
SCENE 3: HOT POD PART TWO
MFX 1: Dramatic Cue
HOSTBEING: This week, on HotPod, the podtestants readjust to life on B-deck Escape Pod 6.
CTHAD: Yo, homies, where’s the action at? It’s time to get this party started [“started” has like 6 syllables the way he says it. He’s like a living airhorn].
JAHN: This is a human activity that I, a regular human, am interested in participating in.
CTHAD: Aw, right! That’s my man, man!
JAHN: Yes! I am indeed a human with a typical physical body!
CTHAD: CHEST BUMP BRO!
SFX 1: A real gross gloop
JAHN: What is this motion? This is a typical human physical touching ritual?
CTHAD: Hell yeah, bro!
MFX: Confessionals music cue
JAHN: Hello there! I go by the name Jahn Smythe. I am between the ages of 28 to 43 years old and a human. I love having bones inside of flesh and drinking smoothies with my compatriots. I was born between 28 to 43 years ago on a planet and I definitely have parents. When I birthed, the human doctor said, “Oh yes, this is a very lifeform that will certainly be a member of a society.” I love to sign papers and buy meaningless objects. Breathing is wonderful! I love having an expiration date!
When I first heard about Hot Pod, I was very excited. I, Jahn Smythe, don’t have many friends. My fellow lifeforms are too scared to know the real me. I am hoping that being on this show will allow me to get close to more people and not traumatize them when I show them my true form. I mean, true self. This is what I look like. This is the only look I have. I am human. Look how I expose my human teeth politely to show I am trustworthy and honest. No shadowy tentacles or tendrils from me, Jahn Smythe! I have a normal amount of eyes. It’s two, right? Two is the normal amount? Yes, I did know that. It was a simple test. Ha ha ha ha.
MFX: End Confessionals music cue
CONTESSA: What are you all doing?
CTHAD: WHOA! who said that?
SFX 2: Robot beeps
JAHN: The drama instigator bot reminds you that the voice you are hearing is that of the Lady Gymnoletta Felicia Melusinia de Montmorency de Bernaise, the 44th Contessa of Enceledus. The Contessa was once a real human, just like I, Jahn Smythe, am a real human.
CONTESSA: I assure you, I am— nevermind. We’ve been stuck like this for nearly a week, Chathad, you must recognize my voice by now.
CTHAD: It’s C’thad, bro. I’ve never heard that before; where’s that coming from?
NERF: The Countess was uploaded into the ship. She’s speaking through the pod’s PA system.
CTHAD: Coooooooooooool. Wait, Jahn, you speak robot?
JAHN: … I speak all normal human languages.
CTHAD: All right, all tight. Boom, catchphrase.
CONTESSA: And it is Contessa, not ‘Countess’.
NERF: Sorry, your countessness. Not that I have anything to be sorry for. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m, uh…I’m not here, don’t look at me.
CTHAD: It’s all cool, cap. No need to harsh that chill.
CONTESSA: And, Chathad, I am not your ‘bro’. The proper form of address would be ‘Your Ladyship’.
CTHAD: That’s coolio, Bro Ladyship. Anyway, we gonna rage or what?
JAHN: Yes, of course! Rage is just one of many human emotions I regularly experience as me, Jahn Smythe, a human!
MFX 2: Confessionals music cue
NERF: Hello, this is captain Nerfleton Hedley, formerly of the starship LE 77-3 Sean Bean, also known as the Hot Yacht, and I am looking for a new job. I have two years of experience flying larger space crafts such as the Hot Yacht. I also have three years of experience piloting smaller vessels during the economy wars (go cronies!). I am a graduate of the space naval academy, with extracurriculars in disc golf, gambling, hand to hand combat and colonization protocols. I have the second lowest time for establishing a habitable zone in the Ano Sumimasen simulation. I won the silver medal at the 703rd annual fist-to-face competition on Zelda Prime. In addition to these skills, I am a fast learner, a hard worker, conscientious, a committed top, and I can lick my elbow.
You might be wondering why I’m still around after I was contractually obligated to go down with the Hot yacht, which is currently sublimating in the unimaginably hot outer layers of the star we were orbiting, Alpha Phallus, the sex star. This was an accident. I was looking for the kitchen to prepare myself a last meal when I made seven wrong turns and locked the door behind myself. There is no fixing this situation now, so I might as well keep living, and piloting your medium to large party vessel.
I bet you’re also wondering what went wrong with the ship and whether or not it is my fault that the atoms of every living and nonliving thing on the ship is now part of the gaseous halo of Alpha Phallus, the sex star at the tip of the Phallus constellation, which is also my birth sign. It was not my fault. I didn’t ask for, nor do I deserve any of this. I just wanted to have a cushy captain position on a ship that runs itself without any issues. I just didn’t want any trouble.
Remember, when it comes to your next hiring decision, it’s Nerf or somebody else.
MFX 3: End Confessionals music cue
HOSTBEING: Meanwhile, C’Thad and the other podtestants are planning a party.
JAHN: I will participate in this a human vocalization using my vocal flaps, as I frequently do. OOOOOHOOHOOHOOHOHO?
CONTESSA: Stop now or I will turn up the air temperature until you melt.
SFX 2: Dripping goop
JAHN: OOOOHOHOOHOHOO I mean…uh…yes…oh no, my body is being adversely affected by this increase in temperature. Alarm!
CONTESSA: There. Don’t make me do that again, Chathad.
SFX 3: Glooping
C’THAD: You know what, Contessa? I like you. I like your style. You’re a real name brand chick. Boom, catchphrase!
CONTESSA: How gratifying.
MFX 3: Confessionals music cue
CONTESSA: Well, I have to say this really is a-a-a- boondoggle of the platinum class. And I should know. Unlike some people around here, I actually have class.
I cannot conscience the slack operation on this—well, it’s hardly a vessel is it. Imagine, to my horror Captain Hedley is a typical lower class type, talking his resume as if that has anything to do with talent or good breeding. Keeps mentioning some prime fisting faces competition he took part in which is not the kind of talk I expect from an officer—well, we all had to sign NDAs before being allowed onto the pod and if there’s anything I respect—and there isn’t—it’s complicated legal documents. I do have to say, I’ve rather bonded with that handsome young debonair Mr. Smythe about that. He seems to enjoy documents almost as much as I do. So…sensual. And mysterious. A real Mr. Darcy type; a delicious conversationalist. [coquettish laugh]
No, I don’t understand, what are you talking about, “regulate the oxygen levels”—am I some kind of workforce? Get one of the production robots to do it. What do you mean “I am one of the production robots now”? Who is your manager? I demand to speak to whomever’s in charge here. Hello? Hello? What was I talking about? Oh, yes. This “Chathad” person you’ve unconscionably allowed onboard is…well, uncouth is all I have to say about him. Rude. Provincial. I think he has some kind personality disorder; he keeps talking about rage: we should rage, don’t you want to rage, get your rage on. I don’t understand why the youth of today are so angry. And he has no idea how to properly drink a sherry.
Anyway, you all know I can hear everything you say, right? Every inch of this bucket is wired for audio, video, and emotional recording. You all disgust me.
MFX: End Confessionals music cue
C’THAD: Hey, bro, how you doing?
NERF: Fine. I’m fine and everything is fine. Fine! [somewhat manic forced laugh]
C’THAD: Aw, sweet, you got some ice cream.
NERF: No I don’t.
C’THAD: I mean, I can see–
NERF: No. No. No no no no no no no no no.
C’THAD: Cool, whatevs. What’s glooping? [like “What’s goin’ on?”]
NERF: I don’t know what that–what?
C’THAD: You know. How’s your viscosity?
CONTESSA: SHUT UP! I’m getting a headache.
NERF: You don’t have a body!
CONTESSA: Don’t be crass.
NERF: [muttering] Probably not even a real contessa.
CONTESSA: What was that? What? How dare you!
C’THAD: WHO WAS THAT?
NERF: An imposter!
JAHN: What? What is…I am not familiar with this human word ‘imposter’ at all!
NERF: What is that accent, even? Where’s it from?
NERF: Right, yeah, like that’s even a place.
CONTESSA: 6 different suns in 4 separate systems never set on the bloody empire, you-you-you [angry noise]
MFX: Confessionals music cue
CONTESSA: I just, well, I, it’s simply. I mean…the impertinence. The idea. I-I-I- I am appalled. Do please excuse my language; I was… well.
MFX: End Confessionals music cue
HOSTBEING: We’ll be right back.
Colony – Drosera #2
SPOKESBEING: Are you lonely? So, so lonely with only the cold glares of an overly picky HOA to keep you company, constantly telling you how you should trim your cactus or what shade of beige your house is allowed to wear? Are you so lonely that you’ve taken to sending out overly clingy personal ads to the universe under the guise of vacation booklets in the hopes that someone will come hang out with you despite your insistence that you are, in fact, just a normal, regular guy definitely not running away from a galactic space force? Are you tired of being the only survivor of a planet long gone from an unstoppable, unknowable event and in constant fear of every sound you will ever hear in the rest of your teensy-tiny lifespan? Here at Drosera, you don’t have to be alone ever again.
Drosera is filled with people of all kinds. Humans, humanoids, cybernets, floranids, and other vacationers just like you to talk with, talk at, and most importantly, spend time with should you so choose. Everyone on Drosera is here to help you run away from loneliness and stress in all the best ways they can, whether that’s food, a ride on a roller coaster, drinks with a friend, a single glance across the bar that could mean something more. Does it mean something more? Could this glance carry a connection, a true connection unlike any you’ve had before with hopes for a future you never once dreamed you had, a future filled with love and genuine mortal affection, a future where you are no longer afraid to wake up and face the day, a future where happiness is so engrained into your casual everyday life that you forget what it means to be sad? Could this glance be the answer to life you’ve been waiting to receive this entire time? Could this split second be the vehicle for change you’ve prayed for each night before bed? Could it be an escape into the person you always wanted to be but were too afraid to become because of the pressures of the society you were born in? Could this simple glance with a complete stranger have the power to create a new, more confident you, no longer afraid of embracing the true desires you’ve had to bury as you’ve aged and faced the harsh realities of a world completely indifferent to your passing existence? Could you finally be something more?
Well, there’s only one way to find out! Come to Drosera and figure out who you should be.
Sputnik and Greeb
SPUTNIK: I’m Gorglax Sputnik
GREEB: I’m Marty Greeb.
BOTH: We’re the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group.
SPUTNIK: We take any case, no matter how implausible.
GREEB: Personal injury, fraud, DWI, FWI, WWI
SPUTNIK: Intellectual property, anti-intellectual property, malpractice, real estate, small claims, grande claims, venti claims.
GREEB: Immigration, employment, criminal, and bankruptcy cases.
SPUTNIK: If you’ve got money and you think you’ve got a case, then so do we.
GREEB: Just hear what our valued customers have to say.
ETTIE: When my spaceship crashed on a backwater planet in the middle of nowhere—like, seriously, the planet was totally bogus; they didn’t even have hoverboards— I was taken prisoner by members of the bipedal dominant species. You better believe I used my one phone call to get the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group on my side. Now, I’m safe back in my home galaxy, and the settlement from the Oosa government more than paid for my medical and travel expenses.
SPUTNIK: And that’s just one of the many beings we here at the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group have helped over the last 25 cycles.
GREEB: Sputnik and Greeb has been the trusted name in legal circles for years. Why? Because we’re good at what we do.
SPUTNIK: And because here at the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group, we work…
BOTH: For YOU.
Colony – Luxville #2
GARY: This is Gary. He’s all alone out here in space. Won’t you be his friend? Move to Luxville today and keep the lights on.
SPACE PD AD 1
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on Space PD: Crime Squad division. A Lafemme you’ve never seen before…
LAFEMME: I don’t give a good god damn about protocol, chief Printerson! Jimmy Goomblatz kidnapped my god-podling and I’m taking him down, my way.
ANNOUNCER: A Bozon you’re not sure if you’ve seen before…
BOZON: I don’t sound different. You sound different. Gimme that cronut.
ANNOUNCER: Things heat up in the streets of space, and the sheets of the detectives’ dormitory.
HIGGS: I want you, Detective Chromes. I need you. I know you’re married, but I can’t deny these feelings.
SFX 2: CHROMES LINES
ANNOUNCER: And it seems the 3rd floor plumbing isn’t the only thing with a leak…
SFX 1: PRINTERSON LINES
ANNOUNCER: Don’t miss any of the secrets, surprises, or astonishing revelations. Stay tuned after Hot Yacht for the latest episode of Space PD: Crime Squad Division.