Hot Boy Villain Awards Part 3
Vol. 8, Part 3 of the live holostream of the 273rd annual Hot Boy Villain Awards, featuring a PSA about space drug safety and an ad for some hot new music. (Part of our live stream on Twitch from 8/28/2020. Follow at neverrad.com/twitch)
HOT BOY VILLAIN AWARDS PART 3
TANGELO: Welcome back to the 273d Annual Hot Boy Villain Awards! It’s finally time to reveal the winner of the Hottie for “Best Brooding.” And the winner is…
SFX 1: DRUMROLL
TANGELO: … Xavier Darkmoon! This is his twelfth Hottie! Wow, congratulations, Xavier. Come on up and say a few words.
SFX 2: APPLAUSE
XAVIER: This statue is a meaningless trinket in an existence beyond redemption. A wasted speck of dust serving only to gather more dust as this sick world plunges slowly into the sun. If we share anything in the short remainder of our pitiful lives, it will be a bitter regret for this very moment. Also, I would like to thank my agent and my mom and dad.
TANGELO: Powerful stuff. Thank you Xavier. Be careful with the statue, there. Very sharp, a little bloody. Isn’t he great, folks? So much gravitas, even with hair covering one eye. That’s how you win a Hottie. Up next is my favorite category “Best Smirk, Sneer, or Mocking Laugh.” There’s just something about a playful jerk that get’s my warp drive pulsing. This year’s nominees are…
SFX 3: SHORT MUSICAL FLOURISH
TANGELO: Zack Heartgrasp for “It’s hard to be bad when you look this good, but I’ll manage.”
SFX 4: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: Braiden Zorg for “You’ve tested my patience. Care to test my bed springs?”
SFX 5: APPLAUSE
TANGELO: And Raspian Zenith for “Excuse me, princess.” Boy, does that one get me going. I am pleased to announce the winner of “Best Smirk, Sneer, or Mocking Laugh,” right after these messages.
MFX 1: A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.
CUT TO AD BREAK 3
SCENE 6: AD BREAK 3
SCENE 6A: Space Drugs PSA #2
THE SYSTEM (MATT)
THE SYSTEM: (Vocoder) And now a special announcement from the Galactic Authority.
YEETON: Okay, listen up, Queth Galaxy. This is Galactic Mayor Bibbidus Yeeton again. I got another important message for you galactic youths out there. That’s right, I’m here to talk to you about Hlock, otherwise known as the Lock, Ottoman, Kush Cushion, and Rest. When insuflated, or otherwise ingested, it makes the user think they’re a couch or another piece of furniture. Users find themselves unable to move, and passersby may feel inclined to sit on them.
This is bad, okay. Even if it feels really good to be a piece of furniture, it’s bad. You can’t help rebuilding the galaxy when you think you’re a love seat, okay? And you can’t be doing your duty to your species by helping to repopulate after the culling. These are serious times. There’s no time to be a couch, okay. Say no. What if you’re on the street and suddenly you think you’re a wardrobe. You’re going to get run over by a megatruck driver doing actual work. And we can’t lose you as a potential source of reproduction. Not after the culling, okay.
SCENE 6C: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory! #1
CAST: (THEY BOTH HAVE VERY EXAGGERATED HIPSTER BRITISH ACCENTS, AS IN THE ACTUAL NOW! ADS BUT MORE SO)
CHAZ (WILLIAM / BRIAUNA)
DEX (RYAN / JAMIE)
MFX 1: HOT ASS GUITAR
DEX: Get ready, because it’s finally here: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory 5!
CHAZ: Grab your closest partners and get ready to get that van a-rockin with the hottest hits and coolest crooners.
DEX: Guaranteed to get your toes tapping and boots knocking.
MFX: Matt does a music
DEX: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory! This 6 disk compilation has all the hit music your polycule craves.
CHAZ: Featuring 65 massive chart-topping hits.
DEX: [aside to Chaz] Just 65?
CHEZ: [aside to Dex] Yeah. We couldn’t afford the other four.
DEX: [aside] So close!
CHAZ: —65 chart topping hits that will have you topping all night long.
DEX: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory! With songs like “I Want a Five-Way” by the Front Street Boys.
MFX: Matt sings some of that shizzz.
CHAZ: Weavie Stunder “For Thrice in My Life”, Egon Newell “I Don’t Know Much (But I know I Love All Four of You)”, Michael Boneton “When a Man Loves Some Women (and Some Other Men)”
MFX: Matt sings some of that shizzz
DEX: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory! The Grey Strips “Fell in Love with Some Girls”, Will Blithers’ “Just the Ten of Us”, Taniya Swain “You’re Still the Eight”.
CHAZ: You can only get this exclusive 6-disk set if you call now!
MFX: The Fornications “My Group” (The Temptations “My Girl”)
CHAZ: You know the number! 224-225-5723
DEX: Now! That’s What I Call Polyamory 5! Available Now.
MFX: Closing flourish