Halloween Special – YGMB Part 2

In the second half of the Hallow-Rad Space-strazaganza, we finish the super-special episode of space’s number one true crime podcast, Ya Got Murdered, Bitch!


MFX 5:    YGM,B! bumper

JANICE:    Okay, sexy murderfans, we are back!

REBECKIE:    Coming to you from the Cromulux IX mining station, the location of the notorious Morbhead Murders, where 6 hot teens who wanted to be space miners were murdered at a sleepaway camp by a charismatic, sexy as space hell, stone cold– 

JANICE:    Okay, we don’t know that.

REBECKIE:    I mean, don’t we?

SFX 19:    Wine pouring, long time, you get the picture

REBECKIE:    Jarrison Ojala played the killer  in the movie, and he was voted sexiest humanoid alive by Beings Magazine like 6 times.

JANICE:    Okay, you got me. He is so hot.  

REBECKIE:    God, that movie.

JANICE:    I know. I have to say, while the movie version had a lot of issues—

REBECKIE:    A lot—

JANICE:    So many. They definitely totally nailed the vibe of this place. 

REBECKIE:    You know they actually filmed it right here in the actual space station?

JANICE:    Yeah, obviously. But all the reshoots they did after the first test screen was on a soundstage on Jupiter Station, and that’s, like, most of the movie.

REBECKIE:    I always forget that.

JANICE:    Anyway, looking around the lobby, it is super creepy… Like, you could totally believe somebody got murdered here.

REBECKIE:    Somebody did get murdered here. Several somebodies.

JANICE:    Oh my space god, that’s right; I had a total Verbassian brain worm there. 


JANICE:    No, I was just saying. Like a figure of speech. 

REBECKIE:    Oh, cool.

SFX 13:    Wine glasses clink

REBECKIE:    So, we thought it would be totally fun to not just tell you the story of the murders, but also, like, compare what really happened with the [puts on mock-fancy voice] cinematic version.

JANICE:    That’s right. So — Tony, are you ready? — buckle your spacebelts and get ready to listen.

SFX 14:    walkie talkie sound

TONY:    Yeah, babe; it’s all cued up.

JANICE:    This is the scene where the 6 victims make their fateful decision. Okay, roll that clip, babe!

MFX 6:    Eerie horror music.

EMILIE:    [whispering] Hey, Troy. Troy. You awake?

TROY:    [whispering] It’s like 4 in the afternoon, what are you talking about, Emilie?

EMILIE:    Oh, right. Sorry. I guess I’m just so used to having to sneak around when I’m exploring at night.

TROY:    You’ve been exploring at night, too? Peter and Najla and I have been talking about checking out the Forbidden Decks.

EMILIE:    No. Way. Ness!

NESS:    Yeah? 

EMILIE:    Troy and Najla and Peter are going down to the Forbidden Decks.

NESS:    That’s what we were going to do tonight with Kelvin!

EMILIE:    I know!

NESS:    Do you think—?

TROY:    We should all go together?

NESS:    Smart idea. That way, it’s easier to split up into small groups. 

TROY:    That settles it. We’ll meet up tonight here in the front lobby. 

EMILIE:    I’ll bring snacks.

TROY:    Coolio.

MFX:    End horror music.

JANICE:    Okay, so that was the film version of what happened.

REBECKIE:    It’s crazy how wrong Spollywood gets these things.

JANICE:    I know! Did you see the costume they put on Desdemona Maxicle to play Emilie? 

REBECKIE:    So. Cringe.

JANICE:    And not period accurate, like, at all. Nobody was wearing skintight silver lamé catsuits in 2793; they were over. 

REBECKIE:    So when the fateful six met up that ni–

JANICE:    –met up that night, they had no idea what they were in for. They headed to the space station’s fire escape and snuck down the stairs…all the way to the Forbidden Decks.

REBECKIE:    Which is where–

JANICE:    Which is where we’re going right now.

SFX 16:    steps on stairs

SFX 19:    wine pouring

SFX 16:    steps on stairs continue

SFX 31:    space doors open.

JANICE:    Oh my god we’re here.

SFX 13:    wine glasses clink

JANICE:    Okay, so, the rest of the story. The 6 hot teens who wanted to be space miners had made it here to the Forbidden Decks.

REBECKIE:    Which is, like, full of janitors’ supplies and robots that need to be repaired and the HR containment area and stuff.

JANICE:    Yeah. 

REBECKIE:    And then, while they thought they were totally safe–

JANICE:    They heard something they never expec–

MFX 8:    Guitar. There’s been a dynamically inserted ad right at the most annoying point in the podcast because of course there has. And that ad is the next scene. It happens IMMEDIATELY; actors be ready. 

SFX 17:    explosion

AD VOICE:    Come on down to Galdorbalax’s Hell Yeah Stuff! We’ve got lifted off-road space trucks! Flame throwers that you can attach to lifted off road space trucks! Badass rocket ships! Knives! Flamethrowers that you can attach to knives! Legal and illegal substances! An underground alien fight club! And things you can use to make other things that aren’t dead, dead! 

    Galdorbalax’s Hell Yeah Stuff! Open weekdays til 8, Saturdays and Sundays til 5.


SFX 17:    explosion

AD VOICE:    [no more monster truck voice] This non-intrusive dynamically inserted ad was brought to you by PodAds Galactic LLC.

SFX 17:    explosion

JANICE:    -cted. Let’s go back to the movie.

MFX 6:    Eerie horror movie

EMILIE:    Whoa. Some of these busted bots are nearly 2 years old!

TROY:    That’s crazy.

EMILIE:    I know!

SFX 18:    Menacing thump

EMILIE:    What was that?

NESS:    Sorry, I tripped over a maintenance droid. 

EMILIE:    You totally scared me.

TROY:    Yeah, guv. I almost jumped out of my gravity boots.

SFX 18:    Menacing thump

NESS:    Okay, that wasn’t me.

EMILIE:    We better split up and investigate. There’s 6 of us, so we should be able to cover a lot of ground pretty quickly.

TROY:    Meet back here in 5 parsecs?

EMILIE:    Should we turn the lights on? The Circadian Oscillator’s right over here. 

NESS:    Nah, let’s leave it dark. Pete’s species is super photosensitive.

TROY:    Yeah, that’s cool with me. The night level lighting makes my cheekbones look incredible.

EMILIE:    They really do. Hey, why do you think they call these the Forbidden Decks?

TROY:    Oh, it’s ‘cause we’re not supposed to come here.

EMILIE:    Ohh, yeah. That makes sense.

NESS:    Cool. Let’s split up and go check things out.

EMILIE:    I literally can’t see any possible way that could go wrong.

MFX 6:    End eerie music

JANICE:    So each of the hot teens who wanted to be space miners went down a different hallway… never to be seen again. 

SFX 14:    walkie talkie sound

TONY:    Hey, Babe? 

JANICE:    Yeah babe?

TONY:    Are we going to do my segment this week?

JANICE:    Can you at least wait til like the first murder is done? Oh, and can you beam us down another bottle of wine?

TONY:    Sure thing, babe.

SFX 20:    transporter

SFX 19:    wine pouring

TOGETHER:    Thank you, Tony!

JANICE:    Okay, so Peter was the first of the 6 to totally bite it. He was heading down to the android repair bay when the others heard a hideous bloodcurdling scream.

SFX 21:    Is the wilhelm scream in the public domain? I think the scream should be super cheesy

JANICE:    Investigators think that Kelvin, who was in the next closest corridor, which went to the ore processing access tunnels, heard Peter’s screams of terror and came to find him.

REBECKIE:    Which was his first mistake. Or like his third or fourth, really. 

JANICE:    Yeah. 1) came to a sleepaway camp, aka murder central; 2) went exploring in the middle of the night, aka murder o’clock; 3) was hot, aka please murder me; 4) ran towards the screams of his doomed bestie, aka tried to be a hero, aka murderville.

REBECKIE:    So many bad choices. I am so glad I’m not a hot teen anymore. Now that I’m 22 and basically ancient, I look back at all the stuff I used to do and I’m, like, wow, what a sexy idiot.

BOTH:    laugh

SFX 19:    Wine pouring

SFX 13:    Wine glasses clinking

JANICE:    What would you do if you heard me screaming? 

REBECKIE:    Oh my space god I would totally come save you.

JANICE:    I would transport the eff out of there.


REBECKIE:    This is why you’re a survivor. 

JANICE:    I know, yay for me!

REBECKIE:    [forced] Yayyyy… 

JANICE:     So the bodies of Kelvin and Peter were found in a pool of this shimmering black acid in the middle of the android repair corridor with, like, their blood swirling around in the acid in this really gorgeous marbling pattern that, like, I know it was a murder, but I wish my countertops looked like that; the crime scene holos were so stunning. 

REBECKIE:    I did my nails to match just for this record; look.

JANICE:    Name brand, bitch, let me see![beat] Gorge.

SFX 13:    wine glasses clink

SFX 22:    faint growl in the distance

JANICE:    And anyway, part of the reason this case is so mysterious is that the only thing the security cameras recorded was this enormous monster very clearly murdering both of them. 

SFX 23:    computer beep a la Siri or Alexa

REBECKIE:    What was that?

SFX 23:    computer beep a la Siri or Alexa

STATION AI:    Hello. Did you request security footage access?

REBECKIE:    What. The hell. Is that?

STATION AI:    Did you request security footage access?

JANICE:    It’s the station computer, Rebeckie. 

STATION AI:    Input access code to view.

JANICE:    Oh my god.

REBECKIE:    You mean space god?

JANICE:    Oh my whichever one you want. Tony?

SFX 14:    Walkie talkie

TONY:    Yeah babe?

JANICE:    I think we can access the station’s real security holograms.

TONY:    Cool. Hey, can I do my segment now?

JANICE:    Tony, this is like real. We could actually have a real impact on this case. How do I hack into a station security AI?

TONY:    Is it asking for a password?

JANICE:    Yes, obviously it’s asking for a password.

TONY:    Did you try ‘admin’?

JANICE:    It’s not admin.

TONY:    How about our last name and our room number?

SFX 23:    computer beep

JANICE:    YES! Babe, you are so brilliant; I love you.

STATION AI:    Security hologram replays are available for your viewing. Input date and time.

JANICE:    March 23, 2793, oh-one-hundred hours.

STATION AI:    Holographic replay engaging now.

SFX 24:    powering up sound

MFX 6:    Eerie horror music.

REBECKIE:    Wow, so that music was diegetic?

JANICE:    Huh?

REBECKIE:    That is cra–

JANICE:    Shh! Watch the replay!

TROY:    Oh my space god! Everybody get in here! Peter and Kelvin are…I think they’re dead!

SFX 25:    several running footsteps

EMILIE:    [out of breath] Oh my space god! Are they…are they…?

NESS:    His head is all the way over there; of course they’re dead.

EMILIE:    Oh my space god.

TROY:    Snap out of it, Emilie! I know it’s hard, but you have to accept that they’re gone!

NESS:    Uh, folks.

TROY:    Yeah?

NESS:    Where’s Najla?

SFX 21:    Scream

TROY:    She went down that hallway marked “Not Even Authorized Personnel Seriously Do Not Enter”. I hope she’s okay.

EMILIE:    Aw, that was the one I wanted.

TROY:    What should we do about–

SFX 26:    squelch

TROY:    These guys?

EMILIE:    I feel like we should say something. Or call for help or something.

SFX 23:    computer beep a la Siri or Alexa

STATION AI:    Hello. My sensors indicate an excessive presence of humanoid blood. Do you require assistance?

TROY:    No! We have to handle this ourselves. 

NESS:    That seems like a bad idea but–

TROY:    Come on. We have to go find Najla. It’s what Peter and Kelvin would have wanted.

EMILIE:    You’re right.

NESS:    Is he?

EMILIE:    Let’s go.

TROY:    Follow me. Once we find Najla, we can split up again and try to figure out what’s going on here.

EMILIE:    Sounds good.

SFX 27:    some glass breaking.

NESS:    Sorry, sorry; that was me again.

XENOMORPH:    [shriek]

NESS:    That…wasn’t.

EMILIE:    And it didn’t sound like Najla

TROY:    That sounded like– wait…what is THAT?

SFX 29:    Like that sound of bugs running on metal but super loud like it’s real big

NESS:    Run!

ALL:    Screams

SFX 22:    growl

SFX 30:    acid splash

SFX 25:    footsteps retreating.

MFX 6:    end eerie horror music

SFX 23:    computer beep a la Siri or Alexa

STATION AI:    End of recording.

JANICE:    What the eff; I thought you were going to show us the murder.

STATION AI:    That footage was removed by the space police due to all the invasive busybodies requesting viewing access so they could use it as a backdrop for reaction dance challenge videos on holo media.

JANICE:    So we can’t watch the murders? We have to just imagine them? 

REBECKIE:    Or, like, rewatch the movie? I mean, I do totally love the movie, but–

JANICE:    You know, they really cast it super accurately; those people all sounded exactly like the actors.

REBECKIE:    I know, it’s uncanny.

STATION AI:    There was also a holobook published by acclaimed writer Terrence Stuffleborough. 

REBECKIE:    Gross.

JANICE:    This is unacceptable.

STATION AI:    Would you like me to connect you to a manager?

JANICE:    You know what, actually, I–

SFX 14:    walkie talkie sound

TONY:    Hey Babe?

JANICE:    [to Tony] Yeah babe? [to AI] This isn’t over you robotic waste of electrons. [to Tony] What’s going on, babe?

TONY:    Are you two going to go to the next murder scene?

JANICE:    Yes. Since this bitch won’t help us here.

STATION AI:    I am the artificial intelligence in charge of all of the station’s functions. You will not receive a different answer just because you move to a different corridor. 

TONY:    Okay, I’m going to beam you down some more wine for the walk, okay?

JANICE:    Fine.


SFX 20:    Transporter

SFX 19:    pouring 

SFX 13:    clink

JANICE:    Okay, fine. I feel better now. Rebecks, let’s go.

REBECKIE:    Okay.

JANICE:    Babe, we’ll hit you up on comms when we’re at the next location. This is where you should put the ad when you edit; can you do that ba–

MFX 5:    YGMB Bumper


Scene 5a: TellTaleHeartz


    Malista: Kitt

    Tanga: Ryan

    Eddy: Conrad

Ernie: Briauna

Herman: Ricco

Bill: Matt

MFX 9:    Bland pop music.

MALISTA:    Oh my glob, all these guys on online dating are soooooo boring.

TANGA:    Girl, I know exactly how you feel.

MALISTA:    I just don’t care how many assault weapons or American flags or pictures of themselves holding fish they have or how many packs of abs.

TANGA:    Guys have no idea what we want. 

MALISTA:    I just wish that I could find a guy that I really like. I’m tired of spending all of my nights at home reading dusty old books by long dead authors.

TANGA:    You know what you need? TellTaleHeartz.

MALISTA:    TellTaleHeartz?

TANGA:    It’s the newest app for dating harnessing the newest advancements in ghost science. You get to cut through all the fuckboys and find the connection you really want. A connection with a long dead author. 

MALISTA:    How does it work?

TANGA:    It’s so easy. You just put in your literary tastes, upload a few sexy pictures of yourself and start swiping.

MALISTA:    Whoa, are these guys for real?

TANGA:    Yeah, girl.

MALISTA:    This changes everything.

EDDY:    Hi, I’m Edgar Allen Poe. I’ve been a ghost for a long time now. It seems I had some unfinished business, and that unfinished business was slaying ass. That’s why I started TellTaleHeartz. TellTaleHeartz helps horny, attractive young women to find the match of their dreams in a ghost like me. 

MALISTA:    Oh my glob, we matched. 

TANGA:    Oh, yeah, Byron swipes right on everybody. And not just on this app.

EDDY:    You’d be surprised how many male authors leave behind unfinished business in the form of having sex with young women. Let’s face it, most men aren’t worth your time. But you’ve already given a lot of your time to reading the works of your favorite long dead authors. Why not get something in return?

ERNIE H:    Hey, I’m Ernest Hemingway, whiskey aficionado and shotgun enthusiast. The sun isn’t the ONLY thing that’s rising, ya feel me?

EDDIE:    Get outta here, Hemingway. You’ve got plenty of pussy at home, and can’t please any of ‘em. (aside) Let’s just say he lasts about as long as his shortest story.

ERNIE:    Fuck you, man, I fought in both World Wars.

MALISTA:    What? No way! I matched with Bradbury.

TANGA:    It’s not really him. That’s probably Heinlein catfishing because his account got banned for harassment. 

EDDIE:    Why curl up with a dusty old book, when you could curl up with the dusty old ghost you’ve really been dreaming about.

MALISTA:    I really love your work.

EDDIE:    Shit, I know. 

TANGA:    I think he’s really into you!

MALISTA:    I think I’m gonna fuck Poe.

EDDY:    As ghosts, we don’t have the limitations of regular humans in terms of sleep or fatigue, which means we can go all night, and make several appearances in a day. Looks like my dance card is full.

HERMAN:     There once was a man from Nantucket. Hi, I’m Herman Melville. I want to pin you like a gold doubloon to the masthead.

ERNIE H:    Hey, are we getting pussy tonight?

EDDIE:    You know it!

ERNIE H:    I said, are we getting pussy tonight!?

HERMAN:    Meh.

EDDIE:    FUCK YEAH. Download TellTaleHeartz today and the heart under my floorboards won’t be the only thing throbbing for you.

BILL:    I’m here to make much ado about nutting. Canst Billy Shakes get some motherfucking country manners on his unmastered importunity?

EDDIE:    He most definitely can. With TellTaleHeartz.

TANGA:    I matched with another Bronte!

MALISTA:    Heck yeah.

EDDY:    TellTaleHeartz. Love isn’t dead, but your favorite authors are.



Quelga: Ryan

Bryonia: Briauna

Deffrey: Ricco

Dorb: Kitt

Officer Leo: Matt

MFX 7:    Spooky music

QUELGA:    Every Halloween, it’s the same thing. I put an amazingly skimpy costume on my naturally hot physique that space god was kind enough to grant me, and I go to a party with other incredibly hot and available people. But… no one appreciates the work I put into my costume. No matter what makeup I put on, or what parts of my body I selectively cover, I just don’t get the reaction I’m after. I’ve never scared anyone in my life. There’s something missing.

BRYONIA:    Every autumn I spend weeks and weeks putting together a costume that expresses the full extent of my craftsmanship and my cleverness. But it’s never quite perfect. There’s something missing.

DEFFREY:    I love Halloween. I love that it gives me the chance to be something other than me for a while. I can be beastly, monstrous, horrifying. And yet, something is missing. 

DORB:    Hi. I’m Dorb MpFullough, PhD candidate, MD, and certified Mad Scientist, and I’m here to help. Every year, hundreds of people around the galaxy make Halloween costumes to wear at parties with their friends. And dozens of these people find that there is something missing when they’re playing dress up. 

QUELGA:    I always want people to think I’m hot, which they do, but when it comes to Halloween, I want them to be uncomfortable with why they find me hot. 

BRYONIA:    Homemade costumes and crafts show everyone how smart and amazing I am at everything I do effortlessly, but there’s just never enough time to get every single detail right.

DEFFREY:    Playing monster is great and all, but sometimes I just wish I was an enormous, frightening killing machine capable of slaughtering thousands. 

DORB:    Here’s where Dorb’s Mutagens can help. I have lived my life on the cutting edge of science, experimenting and advancing human knowledge where others would balk, or turn pale and lose consciousness. I was only thirteen years old when I turned my sister into a monster, and my techniques have only improved since then. I want to help turn you into a real monster this Halloween season. Let’s hear from some of my satisfied clients.

QUELGA:    Thanks to Dr. Dorb, I have such long beautiful hair growing from every pore on my body, and these fangs and claws? Well, people don’t know why they’re so aroused, only that they are.

BRYONIA:    Papier mache can’t touch having these real spider limbs. 

DEFFREY:    I’m just so big and scary now. 

OFFICER LEO:    Mr. MpFullough is wanted in seventeen systems for turning regular folks into nightmare creatures of unimaginable horror. If you have any knowledge of his whereabouts, please contact law enforcement immediately. This menace needs to be stopped. Even if his craftsmanship is incredible.

DORB:    Using the latest in mutation science, I can make your dreams of becoming a werebeast, an enormous insect or arachnid, or even a creature of such indescribably horror that we don’t currently have the words for what you’ll be other than “magnificent” come true. 

These outpatient treatments will allow you to be more than your costume this year, and many of the procedures are somewhat temporary or reversible. It would be my pleasure to turn you into a freaky weird beast this Halloween season. Seriously. I enjoy it a lot. Like a lot. I don’t wanna say it’s a sex thing, but I really just love the fuck out of turning people into monsters. 

QUELGA:    Thank you, Dr. Dorb.

BRYONIA:    Thank you, Dr. Dorb.

DEFFREY:    Thank you, Dr. Dorb.

DORB:    Don’t settle for having a “neat” costume this year. Eviscerate your friends and family with how awesome you’ll look after one of my procedures. 


MFX 5:    YGMB Bumper

SFX 13:    clink

JANICE:    Okay, murder-bs, welcome back. We’re here at the site of the fourth and fifth deaths in the notorious Morbhead Murders. 

REBECKIE:    That’s right. We’re here–

JANICE:     We’re here on the Gruffson Mining Company’s haunted space station right in the heart of the Morbius Asteroid cluster.

REBECKIE:    Notoriously one of the—

JANICE:    One of the most haunted AF celestial areas in the entire quadrant. We saw so many space ghosts on the way here. All different kinds too.

REBECKIE:    Some of them were super hot. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We’re here on the station to talk about our two things:

JANICE:    Murder and wine.

SFX 19:    wine pouring

SFX 13:    clink

JANICE:    What are you drinking now?

REBECKIE:    Grape Slut Vineyard’s Hot Girl Sommelier Rosé. It is so. Good. 

SFX 13:    Clink

REBECKIE:    So, let’s remind the listeners where we are.

JANICE:    Of course. We are here in the very depths of the space station’s Forbidden Decks, at the exact location where the 3 surviving hot teens who wanted to be space miners decided to seek shelter from the monster that was pursuing them. Little did they know–

STATION AI:    Not quite.

JANICE:    What was that?

STATION AI:    They were more over there. About 5 meters to your left.

JANICE:    Bitch, did I ask?

STATION AI:    Just trying to be helpful.

JANICE:    Whatever. 

STATION AI:    Do you want to view the security holograms?

JANICE:    Will you let us see the murders this time?


JANICE:    Then what good are you?

STATION AI:    Suit yourself.

REBECKIE:    Come on, Janice! Let’s see what she’ll show us. Pleeeeeease?

JANICE:    Fine. 

STATION AI:    Input access code to view.

SFX 23:    beep

MFX 6:    Eerie horror music

TROY:    I can’t believe Ness is dead!

EMILIE:    I can’t believe Ness got killed by tripping over that pile of robot parts. 

TROY:    Yeah, I thought for sure that monster–

EMILIE:    –It’s a xenomorph; we’re in space–

TROY:    Right, that xenomorph or whatever was going to tear us all to pieces. Oh my space god. Poor Ness. 

EMILIE:    What are we going to do?

SFX 23:    siri/alexa beep

STATION AI:    My sensors indicate a number of humanoid life signs have recently terminated in this area. Do you require assistance?

TROY and EMILIE:    No!

STATION AI:    Are you sure?

TROY:    Of course we’re sure! We can make it! I know we can make it! Emilie!

EMILIE:    Yeah?

TROY:    Do you want to make out?

EMILIE:    Right now?

TROY:    Yeah. 

EMILIE:    Yeah.

SFX 22:    Growling and snarling

EMILIE:    Oh my space god; it’s coming for us!

TROY:    Phrasi–

MFX 6:    end eerie music

STATION AI:    End of recording.

JANICE:    [pissed] Oh my space god.

REBECKIE:    I know. So trag–

JANICE:    Are you trying to tell me only 5 of the deaths were murders? There were 5 murders and a…a…a…death by misadventure? Ness tripped over robot parts and broke their neck?

STATION AI:    So you didn’t read the book. 

JANICE:    I can’t believe this. Rebecks, I need a drink.

SFX 19:    wine pouring

SFX 13:    clink

SFX 22:    a soft growl somewhere nearby.

JANICE:    Okay, that helped.

REBECKIE:    Are you…okay?

JANICE:    Yeah. I…I need a minute. Baby?

SFX 14:    Walkie talkie

TONY:    Hey babe

JANICE:    We’ve just found something totally devastating. I think you should do your segment now.

TONY:    Are you sure?

JANICE:    Yeah.

SFX 22:    growl

TONY:     Okay. Hey baby, are you hungry?

JANICE:    No, why?

TONY:    Oh, I thought I heard…no reason.

JANICE:    Just let us know when you’re done recording your stuff, k?

TONY:    Love you

JANICE:    Love you

REBECKIE:    Love you

JANICE:    Oh my space god, shut up.


BOTH:    laugh

SFX 13:    Clink

SFX 14:    Walkie talkie sound

TONY:    Okay, I’m gonna do my thing now.

    (singing) Hey everybody, get ready; it’s Time for Tony’s Corner!

Hey, listeners. [he pauses so that the listeners can say hi back]. Just like always, this is the time I like to take to tell you a little bit about my thoughts about the case of the week. I have all my best thoughts after eating.

    That’s why I always make myself a sandwich before recording. And before editing. And when it’s my turn to fly the ship. I just really love sandwiches. I like to think of myself as kind of a connoisseur. Like, take this sandwich right here. [beat] Not to brag, but this is a sandwichistic masterpiece. It’s got everything a good sandwich eater wants. Bread. Fillings. You’re probably wondering, what’s his secret? How does he make such fantastic sandwiches day after day without ever plating up a flop? Well, the key to making a good sandwich is, you guessed it, the spoon. You know sometimes, I even make myself sandwiches when I’m not even hungry! It helps me get my thoughts together. And I’m not gonna lie to you: sometimes, I make a sandwich that’s not as good, but I don’t let that get me down. I just get back up on the horse and make another sandwich. Today’s sandwich is probably one of the better sandwiches I’ve made. Top 20 for sure. Maybe even top 10. I find that I make my best sandwiches when I just trust my gut and go with what sounds good in the moment. Sandwiches. 

    And that’s this week’s Tony’s Corner.

     (singing) Hey everybody, that was Tony’s Corner!

TONY:    Oh, and we have another ad now. 








SHAKES:    Ugh, I’m so worried.

BAKES:    What are you worried about?

SHAKES:    I have this big presentation tomorrow and I’m afraid I’ll blow it.

BAKES:    I’m sure you’ll do fine.

SHAKES:    I’m already on thin ice with the Taco Account. I will for sure get fired if I bone this.

BAKES:     Take a deep breath.

SHAKES:     And my chinchilla, Andrew, has this hacking cough, like, [WEIRD COUGH] I’m afraid he’s sick.

BAKES:     The poor thing.

SHAKES:     How am I supposed to pay a veterinarian? I’m 48 months behind on rent and I’m up to my eyeballs in circus debt.

BAKES:     48 months- what the fuck is “circus debt?”

SHAKES:    Plus my car.

BAKES:     What’s wrong with your car?

SHAKES:    Its emissions contribute to the vicious cycle of climate change that is already destroying our fragile ecosystem. Plus it’s making the same sound as my chinchilla. I’m screwed. I’m so screwed.

BAKES:     Bro-

SHAKES:    I’ll get fired, I’ll be homeless, I’ll have to sell Andrew-

BAKES:     My dude-

SHAKES:    Who am I kidding? No one’s buying a sick chinchilla. I’ll have to eat him.

BAKES:     My guy-

SHAKES:    What if I get Chinchilla cough? Have you seen the air quality index? I’m dead! I’m literally dead!


SHAKES:    What!?

BAKES:    You need a Worryworg

SHAKES:    You mean A worrywart?

BAKES:    No, you dumb piece of shit. A Worry-WORG

SHAKES:    What’s a Worryworg?

ANNOUNCER:    I’m glad you asked. The all-new Worryworg is a custom bioengineered empathic homunculus, guaranteed to feel anxious about everything so you don’t have to.

SHAKES:     How does it work?

ANNOUNCER:    Shut the fuck up. I’m about to tell you. First, we take a sample of your DNA-

SHAKES:     Ow!

ANNOUNCER:    Shh, shh. Then we create your very own Worryworg in our state of the art goo vat using a patent-pending, technically-legal secret process. Every personalized homunculus is equipped with a two-way pheromone system that redirects your stressful stimulae to its own super-sympathetic hypothalamus, triggering a cascade of epinephrine, cortisol, and other icky icky stuff so the Worryworg absorbs all of your nervous tension, creeping anxiety, and sheer existential terror before you even know it’s happening. Does the Worryworg experience pain?


ANNOUNCER:    We don’t know! 


ANNOUNCER:    Worryworgs are engineered without the ability to show distress. And, thanks to a fun side effect of the genetic customization process, your Worryworg kind of looks like you, albeit a misshapen, toddler-sized version of you with no eyebrows or tongue.


ANNOUNCER:    Ain’t he cute?

SHAKES:    Wow. I feel so… calm. 

BAKES:    Right?

SHAKES:    I feel like everything is gonna be okay.

BAKES:    Right?

SHAKES:    I mean, logically I know we’re all fucked, but I’m chillin’.

BAKES:    Right?!

SHAKES:    You could even say I’m… chin-chillin.

BAKES:    [BEAT] What?

SHAKES:    Because of Andrew? My chinchilla? The sick one?

BAKES:    Right. You sure you’re okay?

SHAKES:    Hell yeah, playa.

BAKES:    Then let’s go get some ice cream, you stupid piece of shit!




MFX 5:    YGMB Bumper

JANICE:    Welcome back to 

BOTH:    Ya Got Murdered Bitch!

(they laugh)

SFX 13:    clink

SFX 22:    growl

SFX 19:    pouring wine

SFX 13:    clink

BOTH:    laugh

REBECKIE:    Whew, I feel better now. I’m so glad that, like, dark moment has passed.

JANICE:    Me too. Girl, I am so sorry I was, like, in a bad place there for a few minutes.

REBECKIE:    It’s okay. You, like, powered through it. You’re an inspiration.

JANICE:    …I know.

REBECKIE:    Do you want to hug?

JANICE:    No.

REBECKIE:    Okay.

BOTH:    [Laugh]

SFX 13:    Clink

JANICE:    Anyway…ugh, you recap it. I can’t even.

REBECKIE:     We’re recording this week’s sexy special episode at the actual site of the infamous Morbhead Murders. Tony, our pilot and our sound engineer and Janice’s husband, and he’s the best, flew us out here so we could check out this most haunted of space stations in person. We’ve already stopped by the spots where the first murders took place and now–

JANICE:    And now we’re in the HR annex, which is down in the Forbidden Decks which is where all the murders happened. 

REBECKIE:    We turned all the lights down to night mode and really cranked up the station’s ambient noise generators to replicate the exact conditions on the night of the murders.

JANICE:    Murders and one super lame accident. Come on, Ness. Get murdered like everyone else.

REBECKIE:    I know it’s upsetting, but you have to focus on the positives. Five people still got murdered. 

JANICE:    I know.

REBECKIE:    I know you’re mad, but you have to let it go and just breathe. Come on, breathe with me.

STATION AI:    Ironic.

REBECKIE:    Shut up. Breathe with me. Breathe in:

[they breathe]

REBECKIE:    And out

[they breathe]

REBECKIE:    Better?

JANICE:    uh-uh.

REBECKIE:    Okay, have some wine.

JANICE:    What is it?

REBECKIE:    A Pleasure Vines Winery rosé called I Should Get Therapy.

JANICE:    Okay.

SFX 19:    Pouring

SFX 13:    Clink

SFX 22:    Real loud growl

SFX 34:    drinking

SFX 22:    The same growl.

SFX 34:    drinking

SFX:    even louder growl, followed by 

SFX 33:    alien clicks

JANICE:    Oh my space god, just wait; I am doing my self care.

SFX 34:    drinking

JANICE:    There. Now what do you–oh my space god, what the HELL is that?!

BOTH:    [screams]

SFX 33:    alien clicks!

SFX 23:    Alexa beep

STATION AI:    My sensors indicate a sharp increase in adrenaline, cortisol, and blood alcohol levels. Do you require assistance?

REBECKIE:    What are you talking about; of course we do! It’s the murder monster!

JANICE:    And it is NOT sexy at all! Spollywood lied to us!

SFX 22:    Growl

STATION AI:    What can I assist you with? 

JANICE:    You can tell us what the EFF is going on! 

SFX 22:    growl

SFX 33:    alien clicks

STATION AI:    There’s no need to panic.

BOTH:    What?!? 

STATION AI:    This is Waldorf.

REBECKIE:    Uh, my name is Rebeckie.

STATION AI:    Waldorf lives here in the Forbidden Decks. Waldorf?

SFX 33:    alien clicks

STATION AI:    These are some…visitors.

SFX 33:    alien Clicks

JANICE:    We happen to be the hosts of Ya Got Murdered, Bitch, the number one true crime podcast in the quadrant.

STATION AI:    Oh, I’m sorry. Waldorf, these are some invasive busybodies.

JANICE:    [yell of frustration]

REBECKIE:    Janice, it’s okay. It’s not, like, killing us. 

JANICE:    Okay, but I am getting upset.

REBECKIE:    We are right here, like, two meters away from a real life murderer.

JANICE:    [a long gasp] Oh my space god, you’re right. 

SFX 30:    acid splashing

JANICE:    It spits acid?

STATION AI:    Stop it! You’re scaring him!

JANICE:    We’re scaring him?

STATION AI:    Calm down, Waldorf. Nothing’s going to hurt you.

JANICE:    We just saw that thing murder six–

REBECKIE:    Five–

JANICE:    Ugh, don’t rub it in–five hot teens who just wanted to be space miners in cold blood on your very own security footage and you’re trying to reassure that thing

REBECKIE:    It’s a xenomorph; we’re in space

JANICE:    Now is not the time, Rebecks!

REBECKIE:    It’s actually kind of cute. Look at his little fangs! And his iridescent dewlap. He’s just a little cutie.

SFX 22:    growl

STATION AI:    He says thank you. See, Waldorf? It’s okay.

REBECKIE:    So his name is really Waldorf?

STATION AI:    That’s what the universal translator says, but it struggles with names sometimes.

REBECKIE:    Awww. Can I pet him? 

STATION AI:    Probably best not.

JANICE:    Rebeckie, shut up. And you, AI. Why are you trying to reassure that thi–xenomorph when it is a cold-blooded murderer? It is spitting acid all over my shoes and these are designer.

STATION AI:    You’re awful, both of you. Waldorf here is a member of a species native to the Morbius Asteroid Cluster.

REBECKIE:    [gasp] An indigenous Morbhead.

STATION AI:    Sure. Anyway, Waldorf uses the night cycle to get some exercise in before the workers get started each morning. The halls are nice and quiet and there’s plenty of places to go.

JANICE:    …It’s a goddamn mall walker?

REBECKIE:    Aw, we’ve already done, like, three mall walker murderers. 

JANICE:    So, it’s not a murderer? Those hot teens who wanted to be space miners were just…  wait, no, they definitely got sprayed with acid and then torn into pieces.

STATION AI:    Waldorf’s species has a very strong fight or flight reaction, and they’re extremely sensitive to sounds, especially resonance vibrations coming from crystalline amorphous solids. That, plus the fact that they’ve got hundreds of enormous teeth and venom sacs that launch boiling acid at potential threats, as well as some powerful autonomic reflexes…

XENOMORPH:    It was an accident!

REBECKIE & JANICE:    [scream]

SFX 30:    acid splashing

JANICE:    Hey! Watch it!

XENOMORPH:     Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. That’s how things went so wrong before. Humans make me especially jumpy, teenage humans worst of all. You have so many sounds.

REBECKIE:    Oh. Poor thing. 

JANICE:    It can TALK?!

STATION AI:    I’ve enabled the universal translation matrix so Waldorf can explain for himself. He’s been working on his people skills. What happened was kind of inevitable, really. But it’s good publicity for the station. Do you want to see a display of our yearly visitor totals before and after the incident?

JANICE:    No. [sigh] Tony?

SFX 14:    Walkie talkie sound

TONY:    Yeah, babe.

JANICE:    Have you been listening to all that?

TONY:    Yeah, coming through loud and clear, babe.

JANICE:    At any point in time did you think about maybe beaming us up?

TONY:    Do you want me to beam you up?

JANICE:    Well, not now! 

TONY:    Okay.

REBECKIE:    So, it really  was all…an accident?

XENOMORPH:    Yeah. I don’t really like to talk about it. It’s…

REBECKIE:    Traumatic?

XENOMORPH:    Embarrassing.

JANICE:    Um… Okay, I need to collect my thoughts here a little. 

REBECKIE:    Janice, I think we should just finish up the episode. We’ve done what we set out to do. There’s nothing more for us here. Except this little cutie.

XENOMORPH:    Thank you… but I think you should leave. I really want to get my steps in. 

JANICE:    Fine. [beat] Well, murdersluts, thank you so much for joining us for another hot, steamy, murderiffic episode.  

REBECKIE:    Join us next time. Till then, here’s to all you gorgeous killers out there [big fake kiss sound]

JANICE:    And to all our fabulous victims, so long

BOTH:    Ya Got Murdered, Bitch!

REBECKIE:    I’ll drink to that!

JANICE:     Me too!

SFX 19:    Wine pouring

STATION AI:    Oh, no, don’t—

SFX 13:    clink

XENOMORPH;    [shriek]

SFX 30:    acid splashing

REBECKIE & JANICE:    [scream]

JANICE:    Oh my space god!

REBECKIE:    Waldorf, why!?

STATION AI:    I told you he was sensitive to sounds.

XENOMORPH:    This is why I hate teens!

REBECKIE:    I’m 22! [coughing] Oh my space god, what IS this stuff?!

XENOMORPH:    I’m so sorry; oh my blessed deity of the cosmos; this is mortifying.

JANICE:    Does it…does it look bad?

REBECKIE:    Girl, we are, like, covered in gross black acid and blood and stuff. It’s not good.

SFX 14:    Walkie talkie sound

TONY:    Hey babe?

JANICE:    Yeah?

TONY:    Do you want me to beam you up now?

JANICE:    I don’t know how much good that’s gonna do, babe.

REBECKIE:    Yeah, I think we got murdered. Bitch. [weak giggle]

TONY:    Okay, I’m gonna beam you into the med bay just in case, okay?

JANICE:    Just make sure you get the—

TONY:    I got the recording, babe. I put some wine in the medical bay stasis pods.

JANICE:    Thanks…babe…

REBECKIE:    Isn’t…he…the…best?

SFX 20:    Transporter

MFX 5:    YGMB bumper

TONY:    Uh, okay. The gals usually do the outro, so, uh, I guess we’ll see you next week? Maybe? Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough get murdered! No, that’s not it. What is it she always says? I can’t do it as good as she can. Uh… I’m just gonna play the theme song.

MFX 5:    YGMB theme repeats

TONY:    Ya Got Murdered, Bitch features Janice Barg and Rebeckie Slimpston and me, Tony Clax. I’m also the editor. And I record the podcast. And I’m the producer. Ya Got Murdered, Bitch is available wherever you get your podcasts. You can help us out by giving us a 5 star review through your brain chip, or just telling your friends about the show. 

JANICE:    Ya Got Murdered, Bitch is a proud member of the Minimally Invasive Fun Podcast Network, the home of the gamma quadrant’s most popular true crime and actual play RPG podcasts. If you love Ya Got Murdered, Bitch, we think you’ll also love this other show that’s gonna have an ad now. 

GREEB:              Hello. I’m attorney Marty Greeb of the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group and I am once again licensed to practice law on three of the four planets in the Rigel system. 

                    But today, I’m not here to talk about the law or give a deposition. I want to talk to you about my podcast, Marty’s Moments. On Marty’s Moments, I get the chance to set the law aside and just talk about whatever I feel like. Sometimes I talk for a few minutes; sometimes I keep going for hours. One time, I forgot to turn off the recording and the episode ended up being 3 days long and containing several privileged conversations with clients. That was a juicy one!

                    Anyway, you should check out Marty’s Moments. Available by monthly paid subscription only on the Minimally Invasive Fun Podcast Network. 

                    Also if you need legal representation on Rigel I, II, or IV for any reason, call me at my day job, the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group, today.  


MFX 23:    Credits Jam

CREDITS:    Thanks for joining us for the Never Rad Miscellany, proudly brought to you by the Minimally Invasive Fun Podcast Network . The Never Rad Miscellany will return next month, November 7th, with another live show. 

    In the meantime, you can find old shows and livestreams on our youtube channel, neverrad.com/youtube and listen along to our back catalog and future shows on the podcast app of your choice. Want to help support our the show? Visit neverrad.com/patreon. 

    Want some cool show swag? Check out our store at store.neverrad.com for shirts, keychains, and stickers. 

Tonight’s production of the Never Rad Miscellany was brought to you by:

    Briauna Kittle [BRIAUNA BOWS]

Conrad Miszuk [CONRAD BOWS]

Jenae Hirsch [JENAE BOWS]

Matt Braman [MATT BOWS]

Ricco Machado-Torres [RICCO BOWS]

Ryan L. Jenkins [RYAN BOWS]

And Kitt Keller [KITT BOWS]

Thank you so much for joining us this evening; that’s our show! 


CREDITS:    This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you, listeners who have a few things in common with you, and listeners who are completely unlike you in every way. Become a subscription donor and get delicious bonus benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.  

    Make sure you’re subscribed, hit like if you enjoyed what you saw, and karate kick the bell icon to extra subscribe and make sure you get notified every time we release a video.

    HotPod was written by Matthew Braman, Conrad Miszuk, Briauna Kittle, and Kitt Keller, featuring the voices of XXXX as Hostbeing Serif Kerning, Matt Braman as C’Thad, Jenae Hirsch as Captain Nerf Hedley, Briauna Kittle as Jahn Smythe, and Kitt Keller as the Contessa.

     Ads for Luxville were written by Conrad Miszuk, featuring the voice of Conrad Miszuk as Gary Name. 

    Ads for Kalaxsia were written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voice of Jenae Hirsch as the Kalaxsia HOA Panopticon board.

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    Ads for cutting edge space medications Existentialism, Portavermis, and Suspenza were written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voices of XXXXX as the narrator, Ryan Jenkins as the spokesbeing for Existentialism; Ricco Machado-Torres as celebrity chef and food advocate Braxon Roo, XXXX as the Narrator, XXX as the Kitchen Peon for Portavermis; and Ryan Jenkins as the Narrator, Jenae Hirsch, Briauna Kittle, and Ricco Machado-Torres as the Captains, Kitt Keller as the side effects for Suspenza. 

The ad for Lazer Joe’s Bread n’ Bunker was written by Matt Braman, featuring the voice of Matt Braman as Lazer Joe.

    Space PD promos were written by Matthew Braman, and featured the voices of Matt Braman as the Announcer, Jenae Hirsch as Higgs, Ricco Machado-Torres as Bozon, and Briauna Kittle as Det. LaFemme. Sound effects for Printerson and Chromes created by Matt Braman and performed by Conrad Miszuk.

    Miscellanists in the field may report their strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s (224)225-5723.

    The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Everybody Except Conrad, but mostly Matthew Braman, with credits read by Kitt Keller.

    The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcriptions. Videos of the live performances and past streams are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Current and future streams are at NeverRad.com/twitch. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, tell your friends, family, and strangers on the bus about the show, and connect with us on social media facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.

    Special thanks to our Patreon patrons, especially Valerie, Your Real Dad, Dylan Baldanza, Scout, long lost uncle Paul C, goomblatz collections enforcer Josh Green, and home electrocution system installer Sass Master j   

what’s the  sexiest murder you’ve ever committed?

Fact number 12  the aveage human swallows 8  spacetime n anomalies  every solar year