Halloween Special – AGAS A B’Damned Family’s Value and YGMB Part 1
In the first half of the Hallo-Rad MiscellanyOctober Spacestravaganza, Space Lord Cesar Salamander returns triumphant (?) in A Gentleman About Space: A B’Damned Family’s Value. Sal is forced to infiltrate the mysterious B’Damned family to secure what matters most: his family’s fortune. That’s followed up with a super-special episode of space’s number one true crime podcast, Ya Got Murdered, Bitch! Join hosts Rebeckie and Janice as they investigate the sexiest murders in the universe.
SCENE 0: CONRAD’S SPOOOOKY HALLOWEEN INTRO
Now I know that some of you in the audience are new to what we do here at the Never Rad Miscellany. It’s possible that you have walked in casually while you were looking for a book on a Monday night. It’s possible that you were having a beer or a glass of wine at one of the coziest spots in town when you were told that there was an event. It’s possible you’ve been dragged here by a friend and have no idea what’s about to happen. In that case, there’s some things you might not know. We’ve been doing these live podcast recordings since 2019. If this is something you like, then I highly recommend checking out our past live shows or podcast episodes at neverrad.com. We’re doing our best to reintroduce some of our favorite characters to our new format here at The Newton, but we have a whole trove of content just waiting for you there on the website in both audio and video formats if you want.
Conrad: Hello, everyone! Welcome to a special Halloween presentation of the Never Rad Miscellany. We’ve got some spooky pieces for you this evening guaranteed to entertain. We’ll hear from some of our old favorites as well as some new characters in new Halloween-themed stories.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank Changing Hands and the Newton performance space for allowing us to have our events here. We are so thrilled to be able to do this sort of thing on a monthly basis now.
Also, the show this evening is free of entry charge. No one has to pay a ticket fee or anything of that nature, but at the same time, putting on a production like this costs money. We currently have goals of having a second camera to improve the look of our videos and having a dedicated sound person, but these are less glamorous jobs, and even our closest, dearest friends who do this sort of work will not do it for free. If you’d like to support us in our endeavors to grow and improve, please consider contributing to our project. We’ve got a tip jar at the front here, and we also have a patreon at neverrad.com/patreon, where you can give us whatever you think the show is worth to you.
With that house keeping out of the way, it’s time that we dive into the most important part of any warm up act for a horror sci fi comedy podcast live recording in a space attached to a bookstore: Audience calibration. This is really really easy if you haven’t done it before. Just react the way that you would if you were actually experiencing the things that I describe.
You were bitten last night and now the hunger is truly taking over. Yes, you’ve been zombified, and now you hunger for brains!
No, maybe it was a different kind of bite. It’s a full moon, you feel yourself turning into a wolf and you need to howl.
Wait a second, that wasn’t a wolf bite at all. It was.. Could it be? A vampire bite? You feel the power of eternal life surging through you and you decide to cackle to yourself in your castle in your newly adopted Eastern European accent.
Hmmm…actually you’re not sure what kind of bite it was, but you can’t make the show tonight so someone else is taking over all of your roles, hopefully not confusing the audience too much! (Get well, Jenae).
And finally, you’re about to witness the greatest Science Fiction Audio drama live show podcast recording experience available to you without getting up and going somewhere else: The Never Rad Miscellany.
Let’s get things started!
SCENE 1: A GENTLEMAN ABOUT SPACE: HALLOWEEN 2: A B’DAMNED FAMILY’S VALUE
SPACE LORD CESAR SALAMANDER (Conrad): Same Sal, different day.
BERTHATRUDE (Kitt): Now w/ tiny hint of desperation!
MUNIZ B’DAMNED (Ricco): Suave, confident, vigorous.
MORBIDIA B’DAMNED (Ryan): Sultry, mysterious, dangerous.
MIDWEEK B’DAMNED (Jenae): Masochist with ultra deadpan veneer.
GRANDMAMUM B’DAMNED (Briauna): Irritable crone.
TRUDGE (Matt): Slow moving, deep voiced butler.
//SCENES ARE DIVIDED WITH CHARACTER LISTS TO FACILITATE MIC USAGE. 2 CHARACTERS WITH A SLASH BETWEEN MEANS THEY SHARE A MIC IN THAT SCENE. MATT WILL TRIGGER SFX, WHICH IS FINE BECAUSE HE WILL REHEARSE, ESPECIALLY SCENE 2.1 WHERE HE WILL TRIGGER AN EFFECT AND THEN RUN TO A MIC TO SAY HIS LINE. YOU CAN DO IT, MATT. WE BELIEVE IN YOU.//
Scene 1.1 (1)- The Beginning (SALAMANDER, BERTHATRUDE)
MFX 1: NARCISSUS ATMO
BERTHATRUDE: 33 Solar Orbits ago, a rogue AI deleted 71% of all Crypto-Memes. The Space Stock Market crashed and panic rippled across the galaxy. In a rare moment of desperation, I took out a small private loan that came with a frankly usurious interest rate. Under normal circumstances I would never do such a thing, but I was in dire need of liquidity to shore up Great uncle Frenchibald’s Ham Shandy Cannery. The market recovered, but Frenchibald’s Franchise never did. All related documents were destroyed when one of the Hard Ham Distillation tanks exploded thanks to a totally unforeseeable malfunction and the whole concern was reduced to ashes. The insurance payout was supposed to remunerate the loan originator, one Mr… James Goomblatz, but apparently the check bounced, because I was recently visited by a pair of his representatives. I was shown the original agreement, the current outstanding balance after interest, and some medical diagrams of alternate payment methods which, let me tell you, are less than desirable.
SALAMANDER: [YAWN] Why don’t you just pay off the loan? You have Craploads of Credits. Mountains of Mammon. Dunes of Dubloons.
BERTHATRUDE: This concept is likely beyond the reckoning of your prodigal pea brain, but no fortune is limitless, especially when under assault by the supreme deity we call compound interest.
SALAMANDER: Can we compound this conversation? My interest is declining.
BERTHATRUDE: I’ve no time for your japes, Cesar. If I do not pay Mr. Goomblatz by the end of the lunar cycle, I will be… let us say indefinitely indisposed and thus unable to facilitate your squander-bound trust fund disbursements.
SALAMANDER: Surely you can set up recurring transfers via that holo-pad app, Sendmo? I use it all the time to pay stripper- I mean- skippers. You know, boat captains? I am an avid fisherman.
BERTHATRUDE: I have seen the receipts, Cesar, and I am sure you have caught plenty of crabs. I appreciate your concern for my life, by the way. Let me try to crystallize the situation for you. If we do not find a way to pay Mr. Goomblatz this month, no more allowance, no more Space Mega-Yacht, no more “skippers.”
SALAMANDER: I am a rugged stoic. I can do without.
BERTHATRUDE: No more fancy cocktails.
SALAMANDER: I will find this money.
BERTHATRUDE: That is what I thought. Thankfully, I have a plan.
SALAMANDER: How much do you owe? We need a plan.
BERTHATRUDE: Do not worry about the amount. I have a plan.
SALAMANDER: A heist, perhaps? We’ll need a man on the inside. You son of a bitch.
BERTHATRUDE: Quiet, Cesar. I shall tell you the plan.
SALAMANDER: Ooh! A search for the lost treasure of an infamous thief. You son of a bitch.
BERTHATRUDE: For the love of Glob, Cesar. I am trying to explain…
SALAMANDER: I know! We inherit a massive fortune from a long lost relative, but only if we can stay in their creepy haunted mansion! You son of a bitch!
BERTHATRUDE: Glob damn it, Cesar! I have a bloody plan that’s not- well actually that is pretty close.
SALAMANDER: You son of a bitch.
BERTHATRUDE: I will cut you.
MFX 2: AGAS SHORT THEME
SALAMANDER: Ouch! Careful with those sewing pins, Aunt B. I can only handle so many pricks.
BERTHATRUDE: That’s what she- no, I will not stoop to your level. Stand up straight. This robe has to look perfect.
SALAMANDER: Then why are you making it? Can we not have Q.C. print a fitting garment for me?
BERTHATRUDE: No. Matter-jet printers leave a data trail and QC’s memory is subject to subpoena. If this impersonation is to work, it must be convincing and untraceable. Lucky for us you bear a striking resemblance to our subject.
SALAMANDER: Who am I supposed to be again?
BERTHATRUDE: Nester B’Damned.
SALAMANDER: Is cursing him really necessary? We are already stealing his fortune.
BERTHATRUDE: B’Damned is his surname. The B’Damneds are old money. Very old money. They have been at the top of Fortunate 5 Million’s list of Ultra-Mega-Stupid-Rich since the beginning of recorded history.
SALAMANDER: Well, I have never heard of them.
BERTHATRUDE: Perhaps because they have never been featured in the Space Gentleman’s Quarterly Celebrity Side Boob Nipple Slip Holo-Blast: Semi-Annual Semi Manual.
SALAMANDER: You read the S.G.Q.C. S.B.N.S. H.B.S.A.S.M.?
BERTHATRUDE: Only because you are leering at one right now and it is in the way, you lecherous lepton. Put it down, stand up straight, and keep memorizing your back story.
SALAMANDER: [GROAN] Fine.
BERTHATRUDE: Who are you?
SALAMANDER: Nester B’Damned, heir to the B’Damned Fortune and long lost brother of Mucus B’Damned.
BERTHATRUDE: Muniz [MEWN-iz].
BERTHATRUDE: Muniz. Muniz B’Damned. The Patriarch of the B’Damned Household? His brother Nester mysteriously vanished 20 years ago. This is life or death, Cesar. Have you listened to anything I told you?
SALAMANDER: Everything. With rapt attention. But let us pretend I have not and just repeat the important bits.
BERTHATRUDE: [GROAN] Fine. As boys, Nester and Muniz, the B’Damned Brothers, were thick as thieves. They begrudgingly fulfilled the expectations of high society youths, but preferred to roam the swamps of their home planet, Shostakovich, often sneaking their favorite slimy creatures into formal events to terrorize the uptight guests.
BERTHATRUDE: Approximately 20 years ago, Nester mysteriously disappeared. There was a massive search to no avail. The family was devastated.
SALAMANDER: Very nice.
BERTHATRUDE: What? Cesar, put down the damned Holo Blast!
SALAMANDER: Anything you say, Aunty. [BEAT] What are we doing?
BERTHATRUDE: Cesar Hidalgo Ulysses Gigapenny Salamander, you will be the death of me. Literally. New plan. We drop you on the B’Damned doorstep and pretend you have total amnesia. Just play dumb.
SALAMANDER: Piece of cake.
BERTHATRUDE: Precisely. Just remember, you will ostensibly be reconnecting with your long-lost family, but you must gain access to the B’Damned vault and bring one of its treasures to me.
SALAMANDER: Just one?
BERTHATRUDE: Just one. The Mouth of Plutus.
SALAMANDER: What is the Mouth of Plutus?
BERTHATRUDE: An ancient artifact, rumored to be the foundation of the whole B’Damned fortune. It is said the Mouth of Plutus can produce an infinite quantity of any precious substance. We are going to borrow it, clear my debt, and return it to the B’Damned Vault.
SALAMANDER: Return it?
BERTHATRUDE: That is correct. These may be desperate measures, but when desperate times have passed I shall not live my life as a leech, wastefully clinging to someone else’s nest egg.
SALAMANDER: I see. That would be pathetic.
BERTHATRUDE: Indeed. [BEAT]
BERTHATRUDE: One last thing. It is time to shave your head.
SALAMANDER: No. No. No no no no. My hair is the basis of my entire look, it took ages to get it right, and there’s- already a draft in here?
BERTHATRUDE: It is done. Thank Goodness for Gentleman Jorlack’s Old Fashioned Automatic Straight-Lazer Shavers.
SALAMANDER: What? No! Dear glob, what have you done?
BERTHATRUDE: Get in the shuttle. And put down that damned Holo Blast!
MFX 3: AGAS BUMPER A
Scene 1.2 (2.1)- The House of the B’Damned (SALAMANDER, MUNIZ, TRUDGE/MORBIDIA, MIDWEEK/GRANDMAMUM, SFX:MATT)
SFX 1: OMINOUS BELL
SFX 2: CREAKY/SCIFI DOOR
TRUDGE: You signaled?
SALAMANDER: Um, hello there. My, you are a tall fellow. And gaunt. But in a good way. Like, a sexy gaunt. Please don’t hurt me.
TRUDGE: May I help you?
SALAMANDER: Ah, yes. My name is Ces-[AS IN “CESAR”] Nester. I do not remember anything.
MUNIZ: [FROM A DISTANCE] En Garde! Ha! Trudge, I heard the rusty door sound effect. Who is it?
TRUDGE: It is a “Mister Sinister.”
SALAMANDER: Just Nester.
MUNIZ: [FROM A DISTANCE] Ha! What does he want? Ha! I am battling my demons. Ha! Ha!
TRUDGE: What do you want, Mr. Nester?
SALAMANDER: I do not recall.
MUNIZ: [APPROACHING] Did you say Nester? How dare you take my brother’s name, you- [IN WONDER] Satan’s Tail. Nester? My brother, is it really you?
SALAMANDER: My name is Nester. I have amnesia.
MUNIZ: The face, the robe, the beautifully dimwitted look in your eyes. It is you. Gone for so many years, now standing on my doorstep. Nester, it is me, Muniz. Muniz B’Damned. Your brother.
SALAMANDER: Yes, I am definitely your brother. I mean- I can’t remember anything, but it seems like I am really your real brother. Right?
MUNIZ: Yes! Come to my arms, my beamish boy! Forgive my perspiration. My psychoanalyst told me to fence my demons. Or face my demons. But facing doesn’t do much damage, so I assume she meant fence. Please, come in. Be careful not to cross the line of salt next to the pentagram. Not without a rapier, at least. Would you like a rapier? I saved your old one. It still has toad venom on the tip! No, no there will be time for that later. You must meet the family. [CALLING OUT] Morbidia! Midweek! Thuglin! Grandmamum! Come here!
MORBIDIA: Yes, my darling? Oh, my my. Who is this dull-eyed dulce de leche?
MUNIZ: I am overjoyed to introduce my long lost brother, Nester B’Damned.
MORBIDIA: Oh, Muniz, how grand. You finally found him. Pleased to meet you, mon beau-frere.
SALAMANDER: Dull eyed? Wow, that is a firm hug.
MORBIDIA: [KISSING SOUND]
SALAMANDER: And a firm kiss on the cheek. With tongue. And teeth.
MUNIZ: She is a passionate woman. Aren’t you, mi Amada Muerte?
MORBIDIA: Oh, Muniz. It drives me crazy when you say that.
MUNIZ AND MORBIDIA: [MAKEOUT SOUNDS]
MUNIZ: [WHISPERING] mi Amada Muerte.
MUNIZ AND MORBIDIA: [MORE MAKEOUT SOUNDS]
SALAMANDER: [CLEARS THROAT]
MUNIZ AND MORBIDIA: [MAKEOUT SOUNDS INTENSIFY]
MIDWEEK: I hope this is important, father. I just made a breakthrough in my research on motivational electrocution. Who is the lampshade with the vacant expression?
SALAMANDER: Is there something wrong with my face?
MUNIZ AND MORBIDIA: [BIG CONTENTED SIGH]
MUNIZ: Nester, this is my daughter Midweek. Midweek, meet your uncle, my long lost brother, Nester B’Damned.
MIDWEEK: [DEADPAN] Hello, Uncle. Have you ever been electrocuted?
SALAMANDER: I do not remember.
MUNIZ: Midweek, where is your brother Thuglin?
MIDWEEK: He is unconscious in our workshop. It seems 220 volts is just beyond his motivational threshold.
MUNIZ: You crazy kids. Get the smelling salts and fetch him to the dining hall. It is time for a celebration. Grandmamum?
GRANDMAMUM: Yes yes, keep your knickerbockers on. I’m coming.
MORBIDIA: Are your joints acting up again?
GRANDMAMUM: No. I was finishing up a hex for Beaky Trudeman next door. She asked me if I like my hairstyle and it sounded kind of bitchy, so she’ll be pooping frogs for two weeks. Who’s the dim-looking dandy? He looks familiar.
SALAMANDER: Seriously, is something wrong with my face?
MUNIZ: Grandmamum, this is my brother, Nester.
GRANDMAMUM: Lost and found, eh?
MUNIZ: Yes, isn’t it grand?
GRANDMAMUM: Eh. What’s for dinner? I’m thinking… Hex-Mex.
MUNIZ: Tonight, we eat everything. It shall be the greatest feast of all time. Welcome home, Nester.
SALAMANDER: Thanks. [GIRLISH SCREAM] What is that? What did I just step on?
MUNIZ: The disembodied foot with the wiggling toes?
MORBIDIA: It’s That. Some would call That a pet, but to us, That is part of the family. Aren’t you, That? Aren’t you just the best little part of the family? Yes you are! That’s my good That.
SALAMANDER: [NERVOUS] Mm hm. Cool. It’s climbing my leg now. That’s cool. May I, uh, may I use the restroom?
MORBIDIA: Of course. Trudge, please show him the way. That, heel.
Scene 1.3 (2.2)- More B’Damned House (SALAMANDER, MUNIZ, BERTHATRUDE, SFX:MATT)
SFX 3: OUTGOING CALL
BERTHATRUDE: I told you not to call me until the job was done. Did you get the item?
SALAMANDER: No, and I am not going to. This menagerie of horrors is no place for a Space Gentleman. I tripped over a foot, Aunt Berthatrude. A foot.
BERTHATRUDE: I do not care if you tripped over a furlong. Get up and get me that statue. Do not call me again until it is in your hands.
SFX 4: END CALL
SALAMANDER: Aunt Berthatrude? Hello? Blast it all to Hades.
MUNIZ: [THROUGH DOOR] Everything alright in there, Nester? Did you fall in? Just kidding. There is a kraken in the pipes, though, so be careful.
SALAMANDER: All good, brother. Just, uh- just wishing I skipped that second chimichanga.
MUNIZ: [THROUGH DOOR] Understood. Give ’em hell, kiddo. I’ll give you a tour after you’ve slain the beast. Metaphorically speaking. Don’t fuck with that kraken.
SALAMANDER: You can do this, Cesar. You are strong, confident, and resourceful. You need nothing but your wits and will.
SFX 2: CREAKY SCIFI DOOR
SALAMANDER: I need a drink.
MFX 3: AGAS BUMPER A
SFX 5: SPOOKY ATMO
MUNIZ: How’s the Tom Collins?
SALAMANDER: Good and strong, thank you. It does have a unique fermentation profile.
MUNIZ: You noticed! We broke out the good stuff for you, hermano. Very special reserve. 37 years old. It’s a devil finding someone whose real name is Tom Collins and stuffing them into the gin barrel for each batch.
SALAMANDER: [SPIT TAKE] Ahem. What an honor. [BEAT] One more please.
MUNIZ: Trudge, be a dear and fetch Nester another TC. Here we are. The B’Damned family graveyard. Remember when we used to play hide and seek amongst these headstones? You always hid in the sarcophagus of Triple Great Grandpa Nefro Pothese [NEF-ro POH=thees]. Smelled like a mummy for days. Is any of this jogging your memory?
SALAMANDER: I am afraid not.
MUNIZ: Damn. Let’s head inside and see if we can’t shake something loose. I have an idea. Morbidia! Perfect timing, my dear. Could you show Nessy around while I run and get our old bat-skin zoot suits? I think they are in the Vault.
SALAMANDER: I could come with you.
MUNIZ: Nonsense, there’s so much more to see.
Scene 1.4 (3) – The B’Damned Reading Room (SALAMANDER, MORBIDIA, GRANDMAMUM, MIDWEEK, SFX:MATT)
MORBIDIA: Please, come with me.
SALAMANDER: How can I say no? Your grip is very strong. And sharp.
MORBIDIA: This room was once a torture chamber. Iron maidens, stretching racks, the scorpion box, so many implements of fear and pain were used here, the dank walls absorbed a patina of blood and terror. Then we converted it to a rumpus room.
SALAMANDER: What did you change?
SALAMANDER: [NERVOUS] That is, uh, nice. [GIRLISH SCREAM]
MORBIDIA: That, get down. It is rude to tickle a guest, even if they are family. This way, Nester.
SALAMANDER: [HUFFING] This must be the longest spiral staircase I have ever climbed. I mean- I do not remember anything, but this seems unnecessarily exhausting. And damp.
MORBIDIA: Isn’t it enchanting? The architect wanted to add a hover lift, but he slipped and fell down the entire staircase. It took over an hour.
SALAMANDER: Did he live?
MORBIDIA: We’re here. Grandmamum’s reading room.
SALAMANDER: Reading? There is only one book.
GRANDMAMUM: The B’Damned Grimoire.
SALAMANDER: [GIRLISH SCREAM] Where did you come from?
GRANDMAMUM: The shadows. It’s where I go to nap. And to creep. Would you like a reading?
SALAMANDER: No, thank you. I’m more of a spaceport-paperback-thriller type. And I do not recognize these symbols. And the book is gnashing its teeth.
GRANDMAMUM: Oh no laddy, reading that book would painfully warp you into a malformed, unholy, and disgusting hell-beast of unimaginable evil with an unceasing hunger for the blood of the innocent. As fun as that sounds, we haven’t time and I don’t want you bogarting my innocents’ blood.
SALAMANDER: Aw, shucks.
GRANDMAMUM: I mean a psychic reading. Sit down at this table made of leg bones.
SALAMANDER: I’m good.
GRANDMAMUM: I hope not. Morbidia?
MORBIDIA: Please, Nester. I insist.
SALAMANDER: How can I resist when you so politely clench my shoulders in your clawed and vise-like grip?
GRANDMAMUM: That’s my boy. I just need one lock of hair…
SALAMANDER: I am bald.
GRANDMAMUM: Not completely.
SALAMANDER: Oh dear. Ouchie!
GRANDMAMUM: Got it. All I need now is one tooth.
SALAMANDER: [MOUTH FULL] Ouchie!
GRANDMAMUM: And one finger…
SALAMANDER: No! Please!
MORBIDIA: I didn’t know you needed a finger to do a reading, Grandmamum.
GRANDMAMUM: I don’t. This is for another thing.
MORBIDIA: Oh, Grandmamum. As much as I love a good digital download, dinner will be ready soon and he’ll need to use chopsticks.
GRANDMAMUM: Fine, then. Sit still and clear your mind. Empty it of all thoughts. It may take a little-
GRANDMAMUM: Wow. Okay, here we go. [SPOOKY VOICE] Ancient spirits of the great beyond, rise from your dark slumber and make me your vessel of truth that we may reveal the deepest secrets of our new found family member.
GRANDMAMUM: Shush. [SPOOKY VOICE] Great Old Ones, nightmare demons of deadly strength, open your vengeful all-seeing eyes and let us gaze into the very soul of the man before me. I summon thy sight and thy power.
MORBIDIA: Be quiet, this is the best part.
SFX 6: MAGIC WOOSH
GRANDMAMUM: [DEMON VOICE] I am Shezbeth Sathanas. How dare you awaken me from my slumber? I just got back to sleep. [SPOOKY VOICE] Oh Great Shezbeth, tell us the story of our newest guest. His disappearance, his time of absence, his discovery. What does your omniscience inform?
SALAMANDER: I should go now.
MORBIDIA: No, no. Shezbeth hasn’t visited in years and they’re here just for you. Let’s listen.
GRANDMAMUM: [DEMON VOICE] Oh is that all? A 20 year biography of this bald blockhead? Why must you entitled little shits waste my time with- [NORMAL VOICE] Hey! You owe me a favor. Remember? The king’s ring thing? [DEMON VOICE] You just wanted the finger. [NORMAL VOICE] Maybe, but I could have kept the ring and made you work for me. I would have so much dirt on Beeky Trudeman right now. [DEMON VOICE] Fine. Fine. This dumb-looking guy. He has been awash in liquor for several decades, nursed along by an overtaxed animunculus, achieving nothing of note, and forming no meaningful bonds.
MORBIDIA: You poor thing.
SALAMANDER: Hey, I did all kinds of- nothing. I remember nothing.
GRANDMAMUM: [DEMON VOICE] He was brought here by an interplanetary investor hoping to secure a large quantity of-
SFX 7: ELECTRIC SHOCK
SALAMANDER: [ELECTROCUTED SOUNDS]
MORBIDIA: Midweek! What are you doing?
GRANDMAMUM: Shezbeth? Shezbeth? Damn it, we lost the connection.
MORBIDIA: Look what you’ve done, Midweek. We were learning all about your uncle and now Shezbeth is gone and Nester is unconscious.
GRANDMAMUM: And he peed on my pentagram.
MIDWEEK: He’s not who he says he is.
MORBIDIA: What do you mean, darling?
MIDWEEK: I found a video of him on GalacticTok.
GRANDMAMUM: What’s that? It sounds evil.
MIDWEEK: It is, but not in a fun way. Look.
SFX 8: RECORDING OF SAL
MIDWEEK: It was posted by a user named “at cutey edgy testy” with the hashtag “spacelord salamander at it again.”
MORBIDIA: Spacelord who?
MIDWEEK: I discovered that “at cutey edgy testy” follows a Twit-ster user named “at sexy spacelord,” whose bio says “Space Lord Cesar Salamander.”
GRANDMAMUM: I have his feed pulled up in my crystal ball right now. He seems like a real douche.
MORBIDIA: It’s possible that this “Salamander” is just a foolish drunk who happens to look like Nester.
MIDWEEK: I don’t think so. His Twit-ster feed keeps mentioning a “Berthatrude.” I heard him say that same name in the bathroom.
MORBIDIA: You listened to our guest in the bathroom?
MIDWEEK: I wanted to hear The kraken freestyle rapping.
GRANDAMAMUM: It’s getting pretty good.
MORBIDIA: I know. I’ve heard the mixtape. That was still an invasion of privacy, Midweek. Go fetch Trudge and have him carry our guest to the dining room. I’ll find Muniz and we can all talk about it there.
GRANDMAMUM: I’ll get the Scorpion Box.
MORBIDIA: Grandmamum, please. This is no time for fun and games.
GRANDMAMUM: Who’s playing games? If we’re doing an interrogation, I’ll need a snack.
MFX 3: AGAS BUMPER A
Scene 1.5 (4) – Who The Fuck Is Coming To Dinner? (MUNIZ, SALAMANDER, MIDWEEK/GRANDMAMUM, MORBIDIA/BERTHATRUDE, SFX:MATT)
MUNIZ: Nester. Wake up.
SALAMANDER: [GROGGY] Huh?
MIDWEEK: His name is Salamander.
MUNIZ: We don’t know that yet.
MORBIDIA: Midweek, where is your brother, Thuglin?
MIDWEEK: He is still unconscious. I tried increasing the voltage, but he just lay there. Lazy bones.
GRANDMAMUM: Whoever you are, wake up! I don’t have much time left.
MORBIDIA: Oh Grandmamum, are you ill?
GRANDMAMUM: No, but Space PD: Small Towns Division is on in 20 minutes and I forgot to set the DVR on my crystal ball.
SALAMANDER: Hello? Where am I?
MUNIZ: Do you know who you are?
SALAMANDER: I am… not sure.
MUNIZ: Do you know who I am?
SALAMANDER: You are… my brother. Muniz. Muniz B’Damned. I… am Nester B’Damned. This is our mansion on the planet Shostakovich. This is my family.
MIDWEEK: He’s lying. We should up the voltage until he cracks.
GRANDMAMUM: There’s no time. Throw him to the kraken and be done with it. Save me a finger, though.
MORBIDIA: There is no need for violence, ladies. Muniz, may I take him to the rumpus room and help him unwind?
MUNIZ: Everyone, please, settle down. Alright, fellow. Here’s the video, the Twit-ster feed, and the recording from the bathroom. What do you have to say for yourself?
SALAMANDER: That’s not me.
SALAMANDER: I mean, it was me, but I wasn’t myself. I remember a life of hollow pursuits, pretending to be important, but feeling like an imposter. This Berthatrude woman must have kidnapped me as a boy and raised me as her own. I feel like a fog has been lifted from my mind.
MUNIZ: If you were kidnapped by Berthatrude, why did she send you back here?
SALAMANDER: She… she sent me to rob you. Or burgle you, technically. Burgle us. She wants the Mouth of Plutus. I guess to clear up some old debt she owed to James Goomblatz. I am so sorry, brother. I would never betray this family. I was under her sway this whole time. But no more.
MUNIZ: I forgive you.
MIDWEEK: You believe him?
MUNIZ: No. Not the Nester part, at least. Nester would know the Mouth of Plutus was a rumor started by Triple Great Grandpa Nefro Pothese to conceal our true source of wealth, medicated undergarments. Also, Nester could tolerate far more voltage.
MORBIDIA: Oh Muniz, I’m so sorry you must be without your brother still. What shall we do with this stranger?
MORBIDIA: Rumpus Room.
GRANDMAMUM: I don’t care, just save me a finger.
MUNIZ: Please, beloved family. I have made up my mind. No harm shall come to this buffoonish dimwit or his conniving aunt.
GRANDMA & MORBI: Awww.
MUNIZ: I know, I know. But I’ve had dealings with Jim Goomblatz. He’s a notorious asshat and owes our family quite a few credits. It will be more fun to watch his face when I ring him up and tell him to let these plebeians off the hook, kneecaps intact.
MUNIZ: Some kinds of torture are even sweeter than the Scorpion Box.
[BRIAUNA TAKES A BITE OF SOME CHIPS]
GRANDMAMUM: [CHEWING] You know, these could use some sugar.
MUNIZ: Go ahead, Salamander. Call your Berthatrude and give her the news. Do you understand?
SALAMANDER: I do.
SFX 3: OUTGOING CALL.
BERTHATRUDE: You’d better have some good news.
SALAMANDER: I do.
SALAMANDER: I remember everything. I am the real Nester B’Damned and I shall hear no more of your lies, “aunt” Berthatrude.
SALAMANDER: Muniz explained everything. It took a jolt from my sweetest niece, Midweek, to clear my mind, but clear it is. Your spell is broken.
MUNIZ: That’s not what I said.
SALAMANDER: All those years you manipulated me, making me drink and carouse, act like a fool, embarrassing myself, wearing those ridiculous clothes, the desperate, pathetic attempts at validation. The claim to be a “Space Gentleman.” That is over now. I have a new family. My old family. The B’Damned family.
MUNIZ: That is not your situation at all.
SALAMANDER: It is time for all new adventures; they’ll be creepy, and kooky, mysterious, and-
SFX 7: ELECTRIC SHOCK
SALAMANDER: [ELECTROCUTED SOUNDS]
MUNIZ: Thank you, Midweek.
MORBIDIA: Is he dead? That, stop humping the corpse.
BERTHATRUDE: Hello? Hello? Cesar, are you there?
MUNIZ: Berthatrude, this is Muniz B’Damned.
BERTHATRUDE: Did you kill my nephew? I mean- I have no idea who this is.
MUNIZ: It’s alright. I am aware of your ruse and your debt to Jim Goomblatz. Both are forgiven so long as you stay out of our business, his business, and the medicated undergarment business. Capiche?
BERTHATRUDE: Yes. Thank you.
MORBIDIA: Oh Muniz, you are so sweet I could just die.
MUNIZ: If you did, I’d take up necromancy. Again. Come to me, Amada Muerte.
MORBIDIA: You know it makes me crazy when you call me that.
MUNIZ: [WHISPERING] Amada Muerte.
MUNIZ AND MORBIDIA: [FURIOUS MAKING OUT SOUNDS, THROUGHOUT]
BERTHATRUDE: Well, then. Goodbye.
SFX 4: END CALL
GRANDMAMUM: I’m going upstairs to watch SPD:STD.
SALAMANDER: [DISORIENTED]Huh? Where am I?
SFX 7: ELECTRIC SHOCK
SALAMANDER: [ELECTROCUTED SOUNDS]
MFX 2: AGAS SHORT THEME
SCENE 2: YA GOT MURDERED, BITCH pt. 1
AD VOICE: Matt
STATION AI: Kitt
SFX 15: A SPOOKY GHOST SOUND
JANICE: Hello, everyone and welcome to this special Halloween Presentation of “Ya Got Murdered, Bitch” the number one True Crime Podcast in this sector of the Mjölkyway. I’m Janice.
REBECKIE: Oh my space god and I’m Rebeckie.
JANICE: Oh my space god.
REBECKIE: Girl, look at you
JANICE: I know
REBECKIE: You are looking so hot
JANICE: It’s a new sweater!
REBCKIE: Oh my space god! Because it’s
TOGETHER: sweater weather!!!
JANICE: I am so ready to talk about this week’s murder, but first, you know what we need to talk about.
JANICE: Yes, bitch. Tonight, I’m drinking a sexy little bev from Camellia Loost’s celebrity vineyard Crystalé Farms called “Pinking Problem”.
SFX 19: pouring wine. It goes on for a long time.
REBECKIE: And I’m draining this delicious little number called Pank from Scaren’s Vines on one of the moons of Sacramentorb.
JANICE: I love rosé.
REBECKIE: Oh my space god, I know.
JANICE Almost as much as I love
JANICE: And, like, definitely more than I love Tony.
TONY: Hey, babe.
JANICE: Hey, baby.
REBECKIE: Oh my space god, so listeners, you all know Tony, Janice’s hubby and also our sound editor and producer. Say hi, Tony~
JANICE: Oh my god, I love him.
REBECKIE: Tony is so great; like, you are so lucky. But we have to talk about this week’s murder.
JANICE: YES I am so excited.
REBECKIE: Bitch, there is no way you’re as excited as I am.
JANICE: Um, I definitely am.
REBECKIE: No way.
JANICE: Fine. We’re both excited.
REBCKIE: There is nothing hotter or more exciting than murder.
JANICE: Oh my space god I know.
SFX 13: wine glasses clink.
JANICE: Okay, so, let’s tell them.
REBECKIE: Okay, just a second.
SFX 19: Wine pouring. It goes on another long time
SFX 13: Wine glasses clink
REBECKIE: Oh my space god, that is so good. Former reality show stars are, like, vintner geniuses, I swear.
JANICE: So, you are never going to believe this, guys, but we’re recording tonight from a haunted space station.
REBECKIE: Yes, bitch.
JANICE: So, tons of you have been asking us when we were going to get to the case we’re talking about this week.
REBECKIE: Get. Excited.
JANCIE: You’ve all heard the stories about Cromulux IX, the insanely haunted space station first built three hundred years ago by the Gruffson Mining Company.
REBECKIE: So creepy.
JANICE: And of course there was that movie they made like a decade ago.
REBECKIE: Yeah. But the real story is so much darker than the film lets on. They had to cut, like 2 and a half hours off the run time due to the ratings board. And a bad couple of test screenings.
JANICE: Did you see that petition for them to release the director’s version? I hear it’s fourteen hours long and sooo much grittier.
REBECKIE: Uh, I already signed it. Release the Sedna cut!
JANICE: Yesssss! I cannot wait for all the blood.
REBECKIE: Don’t forget the unhinged, chaotic violence.
JANICE: Yeah, some beings got real messed up here.
SFX 13: Wine glasses clink
SFX 19: Wine pouring. It goes on a long time
SFX 13: Wine glasses clink again.
JANICE: Okay, so, like the big news.
JANICE: Guess where we are!!!
REBECKIE: We’re on the space station!!!!
JANICE: Where. It. All. Happened.
TOGETHER: Oh my space go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!
SFX 13: Wine glasses clink
JANICE: So, for tonight’s super special ep, we’re going to take you, our sexy murderfans, right into the heart of the deadliest mining space station slash sleepaway camp in the Morbius Asteroid Cluster where WE will tell YOU the real story of the Morbhead Murders.
MFX 5: YGMB Bumper
TOGETHER: [singing over the bumper] You got murdered bitch!
SFX 19: Wine pouring. Guess how long it goes on.
REBECKIE: All right, so we’ve got our refills and our backup oxygen and Tony just beamed us down into the space station’s front lobby which is, like, super dated.
JANICE: Right? I think my moms had this flooring in their cabana on Titan like a thousand years ago.
REBECKIE: So 90s. I would not want to be murdered here.
JANICE: Right? Oh my space god, we have to do an episode about the best murder locations.
REBECKIE: Like, the hottest places to get murdered?
JANICE: Yeah. Like, if you’re going to get murdered anyway, why not have it be someplace amazeballs?
REBECKIE: Thank you! Girl, you always know exactly what I’m thinking.
JANICE: Okay, so. The story. Rebecks, I’m going to let you set it up.
REBECKIE: Okay. The year is 2793. Gobulus Pazzal has just been elected Chancelloid of the Ophius system. Jodhpurs are back in fashion and hotter than ever. Everybody is jamming out to Visualize Wyvern’s hit single “Electromagnetic”.
JANICE: Such a banger.
REBECKIE: People are still saying “banger” re-ironically, which is like when something was earnest, and then it was ironic, and then it wasn’t, and then it was again. And here, on the Cromulux IX mining outpost, the annual summer sleepaway career camp for hot teens who want to be space miners is in full swing.
JANICE: Girl, did you ever go to a summer camp?
REBCKIE: I did space soccer camp every year in high school.
JANICE: And you never got murdered?
REBECKIE: Oh my space god. Anyway, the summer sleepaway career camp for hot teens who want to be space miners is, like, a huge thing. Because mining is such a huge career path in space for some reason, the sleepaway camp is always fully booked. And this year
REBCKIE: Yeah, 2793, there are 6 teens coming to camp whose lives would be forever changed.
JANICE: Well, ended.
REBECKIE: That’s a kind of forever change.
JANICE: Okay, you got me.
SFX 13: Wine glasses clink
REBECKIE: These six hot teens
JANICE: Najla Jemison, Kelvin Kirpkatrick, Troy Martinez, Peter Parker, Emilie Pavlova, and Ness Lochlan
REBECKIE: Would. Be. Murdered.
JANICE: Like, to death.
SFX 13: Wine glass clink
REBECKIE: Super weird that one of them was named Peter Parker, right?
REBECKIE: Never mind. Anyway–
JANICE: The six of them found themselves caught up in a web of mayhem and violence that they never could have expected. Their last nights in space were spent desperately trying to escape what fate had in store for them.
REBECKIE: But… [beat] they didn’t.
JANICE: And, like, honestly, what did they expect? The Morbius Asteroid Cluster is well-known to be one of the top ten most haunted celestial zones in all of known space, and they were at a sleepaway camp.
REBECKIE: I know, right? Come on.
JANICE: Anyway, they all got super murdered, and we’re here to check out where it happened.
SFX 13: Wine glasses clink
REBECKIE: I am so excited because this is the biggest mass murder we’ve had since our first season.
JANICE: Right? I am so glad we got here before those fletch-heads at Murder She Drank.
REBECKIE: Ugh, I hate them. That podcast is so store brand.
JANICE: I know. They don’t understand murder like we do.
REBECKIE: But back to OUR murders for this week.
JANICE: Okay, but like real quick, and I’m soooo sorry, but we have to cut to an ad from our show sponsors. Tony, can you, like, cue the ad up?
SFX 14: walkie talkie sound
TONY: I put them in later.
TONY: I edit them in later, babe.
JANICE: Oh, oka–
MFX 5: YGMB Bumper
SCENE 3: PODCAST AD BREAK 1:
SCENE 3a: MADAME TUMESCENT’S EROTIC COSTUME SHOP
MADAME TUMESCENT: Kitt
MFX 4: AGAS MASH
MADAME: Hello out there, my scintillating sex-positive sluts, my thirst trapping thots, my goth girfriends of varying tiddy size. It is I, Madame Tumescent, and it is time again for the Hot-Tober Super Sale at Madame Tumescent’s Erotic Costume Shop. Madame Tumescent’s Erotic Costume Shop has everything from Elegant All Hallows Evening Gowns…
GRACKLE: All class.
MADAME: …to self-twerking, haunted thongs.
GRACKLE: Dat ass.
MADAME: Thank you, Grackle. Everyone loves a spooky/sexy mash-up. You can get overpriced cat ears and cheap, wannabe sexy lingerie at holiday cash-grab pop-ups inside any old abandoned sporting goods store, but at Madame Tumescent’s Erotic Costume Shop, you get unbelievably hot, film-quality, full body appliances and makeup to create hyper-real, gorey dismemberment and decay, accented by adorable vintage garters, stockings, and bustiers.
GRACKLE: Ooh la-la
MADAME: Thank you, Grackle. Check out this tiny top-hat and tailcoat, perfect for a luscious lion-tamer. Well guess what, you sexy circus freak! It comes with 4 deep bloody gashes to completely disfigure your face, and a real dangling eyeball! Here, kitty kitty.
MADAME: Thank you, Grackle. This zombie nurse outfit is sure to get all the flatliners beeping again. White mini dress with red lower-case t on the bust, sexy little nurse’s hat, and half the flesh melted off your body, tattered skin scraps unable to hide the decaying viscera that ought not be seen. Paging Dr. McSteamy!
GRACKLE: I wish I could afford health insurance!
MADAME: I didn’t invent HMOs, Grackle. We’ll talk about it next quarter. Which reminds me, the fun doesn’t have to end on All Saints Day. Madame Tumescent’s Erotic Costume Shop has sexy attire for every holiday. Turkey costumes with the gizzard hanging out. Santa Clause skeletons. Nightmare demon Easter Bunny! Come down to Madame Tumescent’s Erotic Costume Shop where we’ve got you covered almost year round. The Pumpkin Spice Condoms are only available September to January.
MADAME: Thank you Grackle.
SCENE 3b: PARTY OF THE CENTURY
ABYSS CREATURE: Briauna
BROYCE: Hey, you, are you looking forward to Halloween this year?
DIMOTHY: Heck, yeah! I’m going to Braychel’s this year. That party is always hecka tight.
BROYCE: Fuck that shit. Braychel’s never gonna fuck you and her parties are mediocre at best.
DIMOTHY: Well, I guess I don’t know where else to go.
BROYCE: I’m glad you asked.
DIMOTHY: It was really more of a statement.
BROYCE: This year, the hottest Halloween party is Abyss Bash 2822.
DIMOTHY: Abyss? You mean like a party near those caves we’re not supposed to go in?
BROYCE: Not just near, bromigo. This year, we’re. Going. All. the. Way in. Abyss Bash 2822 is happening at the heart of the cave systems THE MAN doesn’t want you visiting. THE MAN doesn’t want you having the best time of your whole fucking life. We’ve got alcohol sponsored by New Old New Amsterdam. We’ve got DJ Zhoom Zhoom WubwubwubWAHHHH. We’ve got the Vodkini Gals gogo dancing all night long. We’ve got the Abyss Creature. We’ve even got foam.
DIMOTHY: What was that about the Abyss Creature?
BROYCE: When it gets close to midnight, the Abyss Creature is going to emerge from a thousand year slumber for a special DJ set that no one will ever forget.
DIMOTHY: It plays music? It’s not gonna, like, just eat everyone is it?
BROYCE: Either way, it’s gonna be one sick party you do not want to miss.
DIMOTHY: I’m a little concerned about the Abyss Creature still.
BROYCE: It’s an honor to be consumed by the Abyss Creature as it wakes from its thousand year slumber to begin a brand new reign of terror across the sector. It is the raddest of experiences to be the first flesh it feasts on as it brings the dawn of a new era of darkness and suffering. And I did mention the foam.
DIMOTHY: Why, um, why are people doing this?
BROYCE: It’s gonna be sick!
DIMOTHY: But… reign of terror?
BROYCE: I did mention the Vodkini Girls right? And the New Old New Amsterdam alcohol sponsorship? And the moment when we disrobe and begin the orgy to honor the Fallen Ones just before the Abyss Creature’s mindblowing DJ set?
DIMOTHY: Orgy, huh?
BROYCE: An orgy of great music, great drinks, hot babes of every kind, and awesome Halloween vibes.
DIMOTHY: And then… reign of terror?
BROYCE: You got it. It’s time to fucking party. Are you in?
DIMOTHY: Yeah. Yeah. I’m in.
BROYCE: That’s what I’m talking about, Bromigo. This Halloween, we usher in a new era of terror. Abyss Bash 2822. A party like you’ve never experienced.
ABYSS CREATURE: Cooooooommmmmmeeee toooooooo meeeeeeeee.