Fornicrate 4, Paranoidoxica, Probes R Us 3
MIMI: What’s up, Hot Wing Nation. Mimi here! Hey, you know what I want to talk about—besides the greatest birds in America? ForniCrate.
I know, I know, I can hear what you’re saying, “Isn’t that just another one of those dumb subscription boxes like HomeCannibal or CatchPhrasr?” I thought so too. I remember when Ted first paired with them for the podcast and I was like, “Really?”
Anyway, ForniCrate made a believer out of me, folks. With their new Kink Expansion boxes, every month, you get a sexy new fetish to try out with your significant someone—or someones. That’s right, ForniCrate has officially been polyoptimized for those of you out there with more lovin’ to give. Right boys?
TED: (almost simultaneously) Hell yes!
JAHN SMYTHE: (almost simultaneously) Absolutely.
MIMI: Like I said: I wasn’t on board for, like, a long time. But after the ForniCrate team lost that lawsuit and had to start hiring women, things changed. Ted and I added the Kink Expansion pack to our monthly box and it totally saved our marriage.
TED: Also Jahn.
MIMI: Yes, definitely Jahn.
TED: He is… I mean, what do I even say?
MIMI: So gorgeous.
TED: And such a good listener.
MIMI: And he cooks!
JAHN: I like to cook human foods and eat them with my mandible!
TED: He is the platonic ideal of a lover.
BOTH: [lovesick sighs]
TED: Oh, uh, we should clarify: Jahn did not come with the box.
MIMI: No, we met him at PodCon Akron.
TED: Yeah, things were on a bad turn.
MIMI: We were almost, like, “Is this our last con? Is our marriage a sham? Should we start watching other animals?”
TED: And we showed up and, like, there was Jahn at one of the panels we went to.
MIMI: It was like love. at. first. sight.
TED: For both of us.
MIMI: For all of us.
JAHN SMYTHE: Also the same for me, this emotion of love emanating metaphorically from my normal human heart.
MIMI: 100% turned it around for us.
TED: Yeah. So. ForniCrate. Sign up using code TRULOV—that’s “true love” without either of the es for some reason—for 14% off your first month of sexperiences. It’s really great; I…I really can’t say enough. This has opened my eyes to the wonders of love and depths of passion the human heart and body are capable of. It’s…yeah. ForniCrate. Thanks.
JAHN SMYTHE: I am also in agreement.
TED AND MIMI: (with Jahn) CIAO!
JAHN SMYTHE: (with Ted and Mimi) Typical human farewell expression!
SFX 1: Electronic whirring noises of the astronomy lab equipment (telescopes) in use.
MFX 1: The soft chords of a casual space opera.
SFX 2: A scientist working in their lab, with clicking type into a computer blending with the whirring noises of the telescopes.
SCIENTIST: (Sighs sadly while working)
ADVERTISER Every Space-Year, thousands of other small research teams across the Galactic Expanse conduct research, but only fractionally small amounts experience the psyche bending horrors from the edges of our reality.
SFX 2.1: Typing stops.
SCIENTIST: (Surprised) Who are you? Why are you in the lab?
ADVERTISER: (Ignores the scientist) Do you suffer and toil on research stations orbiting black holes, gray holes, the elusive mauve holes, comets composed entirely of the remnants of ancient and lost civilizations, and experience none of the cosmic horrors you’ve signed up for at the academy?
SCIENTIST: (Pauses to consider) …Go on.
ADVERTISER: If any of this sounds familiar, Paranoidoxica-3 might be the medication your crew needs snuck into their ration packs and water supply.
SCIENTIST: Paranoidoxica-3, but what is it?
SFX 1.1: Electronic whirring stops.
MFX 1.1: The casual space opera stops.
ATM 1: Several discordant melodies layer to build tension.
ADVERTISER: Paranoidoxica-3 is a concentrated dose of hallucinogenic compounds mixed with stimulants to stop you from sleeping, and finally, just enough of the bad kind of weed that gave you anxiety in college.
SCIENTIST: Is it dangerous?
ADVERTISER: Extremely! Paranoidoxica-3 is intended to cause severe auditory and visual hallucinations, false tactile sensations, an extreme feeling of dread, suspicion of yourself, suspicion of others, the urge to create red-string conspiracy boards, Uncanny Valley Effects, Canny Unvalley Effects, Self-Doubt, Others-Doubt, Doubt-fires, and excitement.
SCIENTIST: Why would I want this? Why would anyone want this?
ADVERTISER: Did you sign up to join an edge of space research vessel hoping to find cosmic horrors just beyond the pale of known reality?
ATM 2.1: Several discordant melodies pause.
SFX 3: Record Scratching.
ADVERTISER: (Cloying and teasing tone) Come on.
SCIENTIST: (More firm) No.
ADVERTISER: (Continuing the tone) Really?
SCIENTIST: …Maybe a little.
ATM 2.2: Several discordant melodies continue, with more enthusiasm.
ADVERTISER: There you go. Take the monotony of your routine scientific research and airlock it. Like you might do to your entire crew for what seem to be legitimate reasons at the time while using Paranoidoxica-3.
Side Effects May Include: Profuse sweating, profuse swearing, accidentally unlocking psychic potential, believing you accidentally unlocked psychic potential, and anal leakage.
Paranoidoxica-3, the mind-destroying supplement for when nature, or Science-Nature, fails to provide.
ATM 2.3: Music Ends.
ADVERTISER: Sponsored by: Larry’s Space Expedition Salvage and Scrap Yard, “Larry’s, we have more inventory for entirely unrelated reasons.”
PROBES R US 3
SFX 1: Strange mechanical noises
JIMTASTULON: If YOU’RE hearing something strange from your engine room, you know the place to go is Probes R Us. But Probes R Us is more than just your friendly neighborhood rocket parts megacorporation.
I’m Jimtastulon Phalaxes, owner and proprietor of Probes R Us. My grandfather Burp started Probes R Us in 2945 with nothing more than an army of mob enforcers and three uncles on the galactic Senate appropriations committee. Since then, Probes R Us has grown from a tiny little mail-order porno operation to the largest rocket supply company, panopticon management service, mail-order porno operation, discount mercenary army, weapons cabal, boy band, and fast-casual restaurant chain in the outer spiral arm. There are literally only five companies left, and Probes R Us is proud to be one of them.
Recently, my grandson Bezo pointed out that there were still a few markets that Probes R Us hadn’t yet taken over. That’s why I’m pleased to announce the Probr, an app that allows you to order rocket supplies and swipe right on that special someone from the comfort and convenience of your personal device or intracranial microchip. Probes R Us already brings you the best—okay, the only—in rocket repair, security, food, devices, travel, prestige television, and holodeck technology, so you know you can trust the Probr app when it comes to finding love. Probr lets you filter potential mates based on location, age, species, hotness, number of appendages, libido level, number of participants, probe preferences, and rocket make and model. They say you can’t hurry love, but with Probr, you’re definitely headed for the expressway. Uh, ah, I mean, not in like a sex way, in like a…a…aw, hell.
Come on down to Probes ‘R Us today. We’ve got everything you need for a romantic weekend or an engine upgrade, whatever you prefer, and that ain’t no lie. Also, we got a dating app now.
CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you. Swipe right on becoming a subscription donor and get sexy, sexy bonus benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.
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Heistr was written by Briauna Kittle, featuring the voice of Ryan Jenkins as the Spokesperson.
Probes R Us was written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voice of Fox Williams as Jimtastulon Phalazes and Briauna Kittle as Bezo.
Iron Tyrant was written by Conrad Miszuk, Briauna Kittle, and Kitt Keller. It featured the voices of Ryan Jenkins as host Lepton Brown, Conrad Miszuk as Quantas Verblanskowicz, Fox Williams as Gandra, Kitt Keller as Malmo Zarathustra, Camelia Loost,the Intern and Coming Up Next, Briauna Kittle as Comptroller Pippledon Beens, Xavier Darkmoon and the artist only known as Britomatone, and Matt Braman as Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction. Stage Directions were read by Conrad Miszuk.
Romance for One was written by Conrad Miszuk, featuring the voice of Kitt Keller as the Spokesbeing.
Sputnik and Greeb ads were written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voices of Matt Braman as Gorglax Sputnik, Conrad Miszuk as Marty Greeb, and Ryan Jenkins as satisfied customer Slosha.
Fornicrate was written by Kitt Keller, and featured the voices of Fox Williams as Ted, Ryan Jenkins as Mimi, and Briauna Kittle as Jahn Smythe.
Au Juice was written by Conrad Miszuk and featured the voices of Kitt Keller as Legal, Conrad Miszuk as Thud, Briauna Kittle as Guy, Fox Williams as Vlad, and Ryan Jenkins as Francine.
Phantaseta was written by Conrad Miszuk, and featured the voices of Fox Williams as the Narrator, Briauna Kittle as the Whisper and Ryan Jenkins as the Phantasetan.
The Tane Company was written by Matt Braman, and featured the voice of Matt Braman as Shom Tane.
Paranoidoxica was written by special guest Dylan Baldanza,and featured the voices of Fox Williams as the Scientist and Conrad Miszuk as the Advertiser, with Kitt Keller reading stage directions.
A Short Sci Fi Fic was written by special guest Patrick Pierson and featured the voices of Kitt as Johana and Matt as Jackson, with Conrad Miszuk reading stage directions.
Miscellanists in the field may report their strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s 224, then 225, then 5, then 723.
The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, Briauna Kittle, Matt Braman, and Kitt Keller, with credits read by Kitt Keller.
The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcripts.
Videos of the live performances and past streams are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Current and future streams are at NeverRad.com/twitch. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, tell your friends, family, current and former lovers, and any popular celebrities you happen to know about the show, and connect with us on social media at facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.
Special thanks to our Patreon patrons, especially Valerie, Your Real Dad, Dylan Baldanza, Scout, Wraith Ryu, Iron Tyrant Season 30 contestant Paul C, Terraforming Twin production manager Josh Green, satisfied Sputnik and Greeb client Odie, and Probes ‘R’ Us legal advisor Sass Master J.
Which is better, yes or no? Tell us in the comments!
Miscellaneous fact # threeve – Benjamin Franklin invented the flying saucer.