Children of Orgelthrek
The Children of Orgelthrek have an important announcement regarding the eternal worship of Orgelthrek the Devourer.
Children of Orgelthrek is written by Briauna Kittle and features the voices of Briauna Kittle as Main Course Frootle Oops, William Crook as Amuse-Bouche Tasse, Matt Braman as the Youth Pastor and as our voracious savior and savorer Orgelthrek.
Hymn #420, “While We Wait to Be Devoured”, is written and performed by Youth Leader Matt Braman and the congregation.
AMUSE-BOUCHE TASSE: All rise for the arrival of the Main Course.
MFX 1: DARK CREEPY MUSIC.
FROOTLE: Children of Orgelthrek! This is Main Course Frootle Oops. We have grave news. As you know, Our Great Devourer Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction watches over us all, devouring the unworthy. As the chosen ones of Our Great Devourer, we praise His name and His judgment, and rid ourselves of all material ties to become the best delicacies He has ever tasted. Whereas most of his soul snacks are taken unwillingly, passing on their negative umami, we go into His heavenly maw with open arms and full bellies to aid Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction, in His journey to end hunger. Existence is His buffet and we are willing offerings on His universal plate.
SFX 1: AUDIENCE CHEERS!
FROOTLE: However, there are those who have not yet accepted their place in Our Great Devourer Orgelthrek’s infinite stomachs.
FROOTLE (CONT’D): For some, it is a lack of education; for others, it is deliberate denial that prevents them from becoming more than an empty snack. They refuse to see the good He has done.
SFX 2: AUDIENCE BOOS.
FROOTLE: We, His Dark Entrees, ask that He devour those who have done us wrong, and time and time again, He answers. Sexist bosses, overly nosy neighbors, ex-partners, even our own internal demons; He devours them all, sending them to the Lesser Stomach for Heretics with its hellfire and painfully slow digestive process that will keep those filthy nonbelievers in a state of pain for eternity.
But not us! With Our Great Devourer Orgelthrek in our hearts, we, His Dark Entrees will receive eternal joy and pleasure in the Greater Stomach for Believers which I can say with absolute certainty definitely exists. There, our bodies will become one with Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction and we will ascend from our normalcy, our basic mortality and lend ourselves to His infinite power.
FROOTLE (CONT’D): Also, he’s just… kinda hot. The vague shadowy form, the burning, passionate eyes, and don’t even get me started on the cape of ultimate luxury. Who wouldn’t want to be all up in that?
SFX 3: AUDIENCE CHEERS. MAYBE SOME HELL YEAHS. MAYBE A NICE.
FROOTLE: But I digress. Those who turn away from their higher destiny prove repeatedly they are simply ants inconveniencing Our Great Devourer Orgelthrek’s existential picnic. Yesterday, the biggest nuisance of the ants known as The Twin Star Alliance-–
SFX 4: LOUD AUDIENCE BOOING.
FROOTLE: They consumed an excess amount of Madeline Moostar’s UltraLactose ice cream, which, as you may or may not know, contains triple the amount of lactose as standard ice cream. Our Great Devourer Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction suffered greatly from this minor Snackening. One of our siblinghood recorded the tragic, painful event. Aperitif Lillet, if you will.
SFX 5: TAPE RECORDER CLICK. MUSIC STOPS.
SFX 6: WE HEAR THE FOLLOWING:
ORGELTHREK MoDPoGD: Ohhhh… My tum-tum! I have an ouchie in my tum-tum! Urggggh…
SFX 7: TAPE RECORDER CLICK.
MFX 2: CREEPY MUSIC STARTS AGAIN.
SFX 8: AUDIENCE MURMURS IN DISAPPROVAL AND SHOCK.
FROOTLE: Six Quaggnot hours He cried! Six Quaggnot hours He stopped devouring! Who knows what effect this will have on Our Great Devourer! It is our duty as Orgelthrek’s Dark Entrees to prevent these terrible tum-tum ouchies from happening ever again. We need to crush these ants so Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction can finally experience the Great Buffet, the most pleasant of dining experience that we will provide!
SFX 9: AUDIENCE CHEERS!
FROOTLE: Starting today, we enact the following Tum-tum Ouchie Prevention Plan. This will require everyone’s participation, from the Aperitifs all the way up the Main Course, which is me.
Step one: feed Our Great Devourer Orgelthrek, Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction Lactnos. If stuffing a bunch of ants full of UltraLactose is enough to give big ouchie tum-tums to Our Great Devourer, then stuffing our own Dark Entrees with Lactnos, the preferred lactose intolerance relief pill of the Twin Star System, will be enough to counteract the
FROOTLE (CONT’D): Cursed Dessert. I will separate you into groups that will go out every eight Quaggnot hours when the Lactnos wears off. Each group will ingest a package of Lactnos after their Final Meal but before their Daily Marination in order to maintain its effectiveness for The Master of Darkness and Purveyor of Galactic Destruction.
Congratulations on becoming one with Our Great Devourer. Truly this is an enviable honor I wish I could experience myself but being a leader is very busy work. Everybody talks about how cool it is to have a group of people bending over backwards to fulfill your every will, even if it means their own death, but nobody talks about how hard it is to be an all-powerful ruler. I mean seriously, the people I have to put up with. Wuff…
SFX 10: AUDIENCE TAKES OFFENSE.
FROOTLE: Step two: destroy all ice cream. We intercepted a radio message from Captain Falstaff, head of the Twin Star Alliance, saying they are planning on stuffing all their ants with the Cursed Dessert and sending them to Our Great Devourer for their Snackening. Our goal is to destroy all existing ice cream in the Twin Star System to prevent these attempts.
FROOTLE (CONT’D): As part of this, we do have to stop eating ice cream ourselves. We don’t want to take any risks of upsetting Our Great Devourer.
SFX 11: AUDIENCE BOOS.
FROOTLE: I know, it is a tough sacrifice, but we sacrifice in the name of Orgelthrek. Under no circumstance can we give Our Great Devourer ouchies in his tum-tum. Anyone caught eating ice cream will be destroyed on sight.
But in these tense times, you must remember your purpose, my siblings! This is a glorious day! Together, we will destroy those in opposition and truly earn our titles as Our Great Devourer’s Dark Entrees. This is Main Course Frootle Oops signing off.
SFX 12: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERS.