Bite Happy

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(BiteHappy is not a real product. Do not attempt to purchase BiteHappy. BiteHappy is written by Kitt Keller, and features the voice of Jamie Haas as the Host.)

Sound by Cody Hazelle.

SFX Intermittently throughout, the sound of bat wings.

SPOKESPERSON Tired of grocery shopping? Heading out to the stores and fighting the crowds, trying to find obscure ingredients, wrestling with hard to understand recipes from bloggers who think you need a 10,000 word life story before you get to the cooking instructions? I get it; it can be a serious nightmare. That’s where BiteHappy comes in. No more worrying about whether you’ve got the right kind of paprika or the compatible blood type for your diet.

Every full moon, BiteHappy sends you a fully customized casket filled with everything you need to prepare and consume the most delicious meals imaginable. Stop hunting and capturing human prey only to find they’ve left behind vengeful, stake-wielding family members. Stop dealing with the complicated chore transporting bodies across state lines. Stop rushing around trying to find any seasoning blend without garlic—BiteHappy makes it easy.

Each refrigerated BiteHappy casket includes freshly harvested ingredients straight from the source, including spices, garnishes, complementary cocktails, and clear, easy-to-cook recipes. On an all-vegetarians diet? Trying the trendy RH negative cleanse? BiteHappy has you covered with customization options including blood type, RH factor, and even platelet count. All our ingredients come from ethically raised, free range specimens, so you can be confident about what you’re putting in your body.

Recipes like Viscera Tartare with Lemon-basil Au Jus, Black Pudding Jambalaya, and Old-Fashioned Bone Broth just like Grandma’s used to make are delivered straight to your door. Talk about convenient!

Last week, the wife and I enjoyed Dick a L’Orange with artisanal O-neg martinis—and we didn’t have to pay an arm and a leg at some fancy mausoleum to do it! Try BiteHappy; I promise you’ll love it, and if you go online and sign up right now, BiteHappy is offering 30% your first month of meals with code HEMOPHILIA. Now, back to the show.