A Gentleman About Space 7 – Shelter in Space

Cesar is ready to party after moon cycles stranded aboard the Narcissus, but after some well needed advice from a lovely space detective, he decides to pursue a passion project.





SALAMANDER: Q.C.Edgetest, will you hurry up and finish my shave? I need a Mars-tini. You remember how I like it?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Of course, Sir. Shaken and stirred.

SALAMANDER: Yes. The same way I like my loins. Which at present they are not. Shine up my dancing trousers. It is time to hit the discoteca. Bailamos!

Q.C.EDGETEST: I am afraid all the dance clubs are closed, Sir.

SALAMANDER: At this hour? It is post meridian somewhere. I feel like I have not left this ship in a dragon’s age.

Q.C.EDGETEST: You have been confined to the Narcissus for three point two moon cycles, Sir. Since the outbreak of… The Macarena.

SALAMANDER: The Macarena? Did we not eliminate that in the 4990’s?

Q.C.EDGETEST: It has returned, Sir. This new strain affects the lower body as well as the arms. There is two-stepping everywhere.

SALAMANDER: I will not be locked in a gilded cage. This bird needs his turn on the catwalk. I’m too sexy for my ship. Too sexy by far.

Q.C.EDGETEST: The market moons are open, Sir, but you will be required to wear a mask.

SALAMANDER: Like some hungry Vitriarch? I am not convinced this “Macarena Two” even exists.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Space Lord, the most renowned medical experts in space have weighed in and it is a serious crisis.

SALAMANDER: I have done my own research and I know better than to trust a scientist. What are they hiding beneath those lab coats, anyway? I have had enough of your conspiracy theories, you warped wingnut. The time for quarrel has passed. We are going shopping. For Space Babes.

Q.C.EDGETEST: I do not believe one can do that, Sir.

SALAMANDER: You did not believe I could win the Super Grand Prix either, but look how that turned out.

Q.C.EDGETEST: You were badly burned, Sir?

SALAMANDER: Is that why I have no eyebrows in the Salamander Solstice Holiday Hologram?

Q.C.EDGETEST: It is, Sir.


LAFEMME: Attention, this is Space Detective Saoirse LaFemme.

SALAMANDER: Well hello there, Detective. An unexpected yet welcome personal call.

LAFEMME: This is a holo-blast to all beings in my contact list.

SALAMANDER: It’s nice to see you, too. I was just thinking we should go to dinner somewhere. Maybe go dancing.

LAFEMME: There are rumors that the current Macarena outbreak is not real, it is exaggerated, or it is a cover up for some absurd conspiracy.

SALAMANDER: Some people are so misinformed. I mean, who doesn’t believe in science? Now, about that rendezvous.

LAFEMME: I assure you, the situation is real, it is serious, and it can only be overcome with the cooperation of all space beings.

SALAMANDER: I also think we make a good team, you and I. Solved a few mysteries in our day. A certain camaraderie grows from our exploits, does it not?

LAFEMME: I am streaming this warning as a professional courtesy. In two cycles, the Pan-Space Bureaucratic Military and Digital Entertainment Marketing Hegemony will announce a Space-wide stay-at-home order for beings with two or more dancing feet.

SALAMANDER: You have a funny way of flirting, Detective, but we can stay in if you wish. Holo-flix and chill, as they say.

LAFEMME: If I see you after that order, I will be forced to incarcerate or disintegrate you. I would prefer not to, but I have done it before. Stay home, stay safe, and I might see you again someday if your arms and legs aren’t melted into smoking nubs by this terrible, terrible condition. Lafemme out.

SALAMANDER: Maybe a teaspoon of caution is in order.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Sir, I must insist you stay- did you say caution, Space Lord?

SALAMANDER: I did, old droid. If things are as dire as all that, I shall not risk contamination. I have survived on the Narcissus this long. What are a few more moon cycles?

Q.C.EDGETEST: A wise choice, Sir. You might avail yourself of the many unexplored amenities of this well-appointed vessel. Perhaps the Holobrary?

SALAMANDER: You are absolutely right, Q.C. I should start a podcast.


SALAMANDER: What is up, everybody, it is your boy, Space Lord Cesar Salamander. Coming at you live from the Space Mega-Yacht Narcissus for the inaugural episode of my new holo-podcast, The Salamander Shake Down. We have metric tons of hot content and we are going to give it to you raw and unfiltered. Let’s get right down to it. Edgetest, hold the holo-cam steady.

Q.C.EDGETEST: I am trying, Space Lord. It is quite heavy. Would a tripod not be better suited for this task?

SALAMANDER: I do not have time to print a tripod. My followers are thirsty for content and I need to give it to them raw and unfiltered.

Q.C.EDGETEST: You have followers, Sir?

SALAMANDER: You shall be following my coffee grounds out the rubbish hatch if you continue your insolence, you- you- unsteady… cam.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Very good, Sir.

SALAMANDER: You are damn right, very good. Just like our sponsor, Fog Hill Vaporettes. Technically, they have not returned my communiques and thus remain an unofficial sponsor, but never the less, (CONTINUED)

SALAMANDER(CONTINUED): the smooth, impenetrable vapor of Fog Hill Vaporettes keeps me awake and ready to holo-stream 24 hours a rotation. And that is what I plan to do, dear followers. I will be live and hot and I do read the comments, so get at me. (BEAT) Okay, no comments so far. Do not be shy, I want to know what you think.

Q.C.EDGETEST: You just started transmitting, Sir. Maybe you should speak about a topic.

SALAMANDER: Maybe you should disconnect your outbound transducer. I have plenty to say. How about the news? I assume there is something going on out there. Give me your thoughts in the comments. (BEAT) Still no one? Okay let me see. What to talk about. Oh, hey, I know. Have you ever wanted to start your own podcast? I shall break it down for you in three simple steps. Step one, get a holo-camera. Step two, begin streaming. Step three, speak about a topic. (CONTINUED)

SALAMANDER(CONTINUED): It can be anything you want. You could talk about… podcasting. Step four, get a sponsor. The Salamander Shakedown is sponsored by Fog Hill Vaporettes. Kind of. Step… how many steps is that? Nevermind. You get the idea. That’s right, fam. This is the kind of quality content you are going to get from me for free all day erry day. Boom. How long have we been streaming, Q.C.?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Forty five seconds, Space Lord.



SALAMANDER: What ho. It is still your boy, Space Lord Cesar Salamander. Coming at you on day two of the Salamander Shake Down. Today we have all kinds of brand new content so let us just dive right in. (CONTINUED)

SALAMANDER(CONTINUED): My valet, Q.C.Edgetest has proven less than useless in his failure to shave and dress me while operating the holo-cam, so please forgive my state of disarray. I know it is hard being stuck at home all day, but it does provide opportunities to fulfill passion projects, like this podcast for example. Something else I have been putting off is recording my rap album. It will drop next orbit probably and doubtless be brimming with hot fire and low key lit a.f. bangers. Because you are such a great group of followers, I will treat you to a preview of my mad skills exclusively on the Salamander Shake Down Live Holo-stream. Get ready for a freestyle off the top of the dome. Q.C.Edgetest, Drop a beat.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Pardon me, Sir?

SALAMANDER: Drop a beat. Do you not have a drum machine or boombox function or something?

Q.C.EDGETEST: I do not, Sir. I suppose I could attempt to produce a rhythmic vocalization based on my computer clock cycle.

SALAMANDER: Right oh. Let’s hear it.


SALAMANDER: Uh-huh. Yeah. Check it. (BEAT). You know, I would hate to spoil the album for you. Live Holo-beam Freestyles are played out. Stop beatboxing, Edgetest. How long have we been recording?

Q.C.EDGETEST: 24 Hours, one minute, and seven seconds, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Alright, okay, topping. Lots of time for fresh content. Everybody Let me know what you think in the comments below. (BEAT) Still no one? Q.C.?


SALAMANDER: Globb dammit, Edgetest, stop beatboxing!

Q.C.EDGETEST: Apologies, Space Lord.


SALAMANDER: Uhhhh, hello. This is Cesar… Slam Shake. Shake Slam. Slam Down. We are on day… day… Edgetest, what day is it?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Day twelve, Sir.

SALAMANDER: That day. There is… content. Of some variety. I had a guest. A beautiful Space Detective. (CONTINUED)

SALAMANDER(CONTINUED): We danced all night. According to Q.C. that was a hallucination. I have not slept in… how many days, Q.C.?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Twelve days, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Despite the judgment from my can man here. Sponsor is, sponsors are, um, I need a vaporette. I lit my beard on fire last night, so that’s a thing. Oh yeah, I have a beard now. Looks good, right? Rugged. Manly. Like a mountain man. A man of… mountains. Tell me what you think in the comments. (YAWN) Still no comments? Don’t be shy, my beings. I’m starting to think I’m talking to myself here. Am I talking to me? Is me who I am? I feel dizzy. I am just going to rest my eye cover things. Eye toppers. Eyelids. But do not leave. I can deliver good content with my eyes closed. I can talk about- take about- take a boat- take a nap. Good nap.


BERTHATRUDE: Cesar! Wake up, you lump. Brunch with the Lazerbees starts in an hour and I shall not allow you to miss it. Frangina (fran-JAI-nah) Lazerbee is a good friend and her niece Grincie is looking for a suitor. With any luck, she might settle for you.

SALAMANDER: What? Where am I?

BERTHATRUDE: Half asleep in your own filth. I would reprimand your valet for allowing you to grow that vile chin shrubbery, but his batteries have obviously been run down by misuse. Holding a holo-camera of all things.

SALAMANDER: The podcast! My followers are thirsty for my raw unfiltered content.

BERTHTRUDE: How revolting. I am not an expert in pod-casting, but I did not see any followers when I logged on this morning.

SALAMANDER: You watch the Shake Down?

BERTHATRUDE: Hardly. When you would not answer my calls, I checked your holo-media and discovered a live stream of you in a puddle of drool, snoring like a rhino-bear. Disgraceful. You are lucky no one was watching. Now wake up and get ready to go. I will not have Grincie Lazerbee think you a laggard.

SALAMANDER: Should I dazzle her with my rapping skills?

BERTHATRUDE: I have no idea why you would knock on the table, but please refrain. Try to remember your manners. I certainly paid that school enough to teach you. Now get going, tout suite.

SALAMANDER: Yes, Aunt Berthatrude. Q.C.? Q.C.Edgetest? Where are you, I need a shave and a Bloody Merglon, hold the celery. Extra bacon and picante sauce. Oh dammit I forgot to plug him it. No problem, I can shave myself. It can not be more difficult than delivering a fortnite’s worth of raw, unfiltered content.


SALAMANDER: Ow! Frakking Bollocks!